Coming Soon

Please check back soon for an update, I apologize for not updating since the first of January. January, as you can imagine, was extremely hard and we were so ready to flip the calendar to FEBRUARY. February was a month filled with so many sweet family moments and for that we are grateful especially after the 2 months we had just come out of. I can't believe we are already 9 days into March and am just not sure where the month of February went. I promise, coming soon......an update (and pictures of course!!!) of our family during the months of January and February.

Thank you to everyone who has continued to follow our blog, even though the posts have certainly been less than they were when Tristan was here.

We love you all!

Our December

Ever since I was a little girl, December has always been my FAVORITE time of year. I love the weather, the music, the shopping, the decorations, the Christmas trees, the Christmas parties, the church events and just that feeling of excitement in the air.

But this December, well it was a little different and filled with lots of bittersweet moments! We still celebrated, as we have in years past, but our hearts ached in all that we did! We started the month with what would have been Tristan's 1st Birthday and then quickly moved right into the holiday season. We were really not sure what to expect, but realized every event would bring about feelings and emotions because Tristan was here with us last year and it was, by far, the most incredible Christmas we have ever had. The Lord not only blessed our family with 56 days but He allowed our family to celebrate Tristan's 1st Christmas with him. Those are moments that will forever be remembered and cherished.

We are so thankful for our 2 sweet boys that forced us to live "in the moment" and kept us laughing on the most difficult of days. And then, there is this precious little girl that we are fostering, what a miracle she is to our family. Obviously I cannot give case details but I do want to share a few things about her: She is now 3 months old, she weighs 10 lbs (she was 4 lbs at birth - 7 wks early), she has a little bit of brown hair, bright blue eyes, long eyelashes, she is smiling, cooing, rolling over, grabbing her feet and giggles when Trayc tickles her. The boys are crazy about her! Tanner has taught Tayden how to say "sister" which is so cute to hear and when she cries Tayden says, "It's okay" and runs to find her pacifier and put it in her mouth. Tanner loves holding her, putting her in the swing, putting her on the playmat and playing the piano for her. She is NOT lacking any love or attention around here! These moments are priceless. For us to relive these kind of "baby moments" again is almost too much to even explain without tears of gratefulness rolling down my checks. We never dreamed we would be able to experience this again. We had decided not to get pregnant again due to my age, which is why after Tristan passed away we began the adoption process and looking for 2 girls over the age of 3......little did we know that 9 months later we would have the awesome privilege to bring home another newborn from the hospital!!!!!! Our God is so good and even in the midst of our sadness it is so evident that He is working in our family.

Here are some pictures and a glimpse of how our family celebrated the month of December. And, even though Tristan is not in the pictures this year, he was talked about every day and was remembered at every event:

Mickey's Very Merry Christmas Party (12/12-12/13)

This is a family tradition. We love going to Disney World for this event...the tickets are cheaper, there are only a limited number of tickets sold, the ticket is for 4:00 pm - 12:00 midnight, the weather is cooler and there are no lines so you can walk straight onto the rides. We had a wonderful weekend.



Visit with Santa Claus (12/22)

We went to see Santa Claus at the St. Johns Town Center, which is the same place we went last year with Tristan. We parked in the same lot, we walked the same path, we stood in the same line and we even had the same Santa. How do I know he was the same Santa? Well, we also had the baby girl with us and Santa said, "You finally have a girl after 2 boys". Okay, let me stop and say that I love for people to make that comment or ask how many children I have because it gives me an open opportunity to talk about Tristan and to witness! So back to Santa's statement. I said, "Well, actually we have 3 boys, our little boy Tristan lived 56 days and passed away in January. We brought him here last year to have a picture made with Santa". Santa said, "You know what, I was the Santa last year and I remember your little boy and your story." I began witnessing and then went on to explain that we began the adoption process after he passed away and have been praying for 2 little girls but then received a call in October about a newborn baby girl and felt as though this was what the Lord wanted us to do, to take in this new baby even though our hearts were not originally prepared for a baby again. He was really sweet and said, "Oh bless you for all you've been through, losing a baby has to be the hardest thing to go through and yet you are here and living life with a smile on your face and you are willingly putting your heart out there to possibly be hurt again with all the uncertainty that this baby girl brings. I pray that this is your Christmas miracle." Little did I know my encouragement that day would come in the form of Santa Claus. But you know what? I needed that, I needed that so bad. I needed that right there, right in that moment so that I could stop and savor the moment we were sharing this year with our 2 boys and the baby girl even though we were missing Tristan.

For privacy reason we have blocked the baby girl out. And as you can see, Tayden is attempting to escape Santa's lap.....10 pictures later this one, which was the 1st picture we took, was the best. Gotta love the 2 year old stage!!!



Sunday before Christmas (12/21)

Last year we dedicated Tristan in the Sunday morning service before Christmas, so this Sunday was hard too, but we knew we needed to be at church. We got up really early so that we could take pictures before we left for church - needless to say that was very interesting with 3 kids (mainly the 2 yr old), thank goodness for a camera timer and tripod.

As you can see, we all matched. But really, is that a surprise? If you followed our blog last year then you know I always dressed the boys in matching Hartstring clothes, but that changed the moment Tanner began Middle School in August and now he refuses to wear what he calls "baby clothes". So I decided that since Tayden is too young to have a say in his clothes that I could match him and the baby girl. Then I realized I had a matching outfit and Trayc had a matching outfit and then, all of a sudden, Tanner decided that he wanted to match, just not in a Hartstring outfit. So, here's the family picture, and again for privacy reasons we have blocked the baby girl out (she is in my lap).



Christmas Eve (12/24)

Our church had a candlelight service at 5:00 pm. Another difficult night because we were reminded of the candlelight service we had at home last year with Tristan. But once again we got ready and went to church. It was a sweet time of worship, communion and lighting of candles. Imagine thousands of church members quietly standing and holding their candle - a deacon coming to the end of each row and lighting the first person's candle and then that person turning and lighting the next candle and so on, around the entire church. I stood in awe, in that moment, thanking the Lord for my family, for my wonderful husband, for my 2 sweet boys, for my little boy that I miss so much and for the gift of this beautiful little girl.

And, since I can't post a picture of the little girl, I just have to tell you what she had on since I am having so much fun dressing a little girl. Okay, she always, always, always has on PINK but obviously it's December and I know she needs to wear red so we've bought her some beautiful little red fancy dresses. I just love the one she wore to the service, it was red velvet on the top and red satin from the waist down with red lace over the satin, a white fur collar and a red headband - that my talented husband made. She looked absolutely beautiful.

After church we went out to dinner and then headed home so the kids could get in early since Santa was coming the next morning.



Christmas (12/25)

Christmas was one of those days I just wasn't sure if I had the emotional strength to make it a sweet, fun, memorable day but knew I had to, not only for myself but for the sake of my children. They are here and their little lives still go on and I do not, in any way, ever want to hinder them or take away from the moment because my heart is aching for Tristan.

We had a very busy day. Our morning started off with Tanner running up the stairs into our room saying "It's Christmas, everyone needs to get up!" Of course Tayden was still fast asleep and Tanner didn't understand why Tayden wasn't awake and running downstairs to see what Santa had brought. Tanner said, "Why isn't Tayden excited it's Christmas?" I said, "Honey, he doesn't understand exactly what today is, but he will be excited once he's opening presents!" Tanner woke Tayden up and held his hand as they walked down the stairs all the while Tanner saying, "Tayden it's Christmas, let's see what Santa brought you!!!!"

We made a big breakfast and opened presents most of the morning. Tayden was excited once he started opening toys that were Pooh, Mickey, Handy Mandy and Thomas the Train. Tanner got FL Gator stuff, Nascar cars, a sports watch, DVD's, CD's, play station games and his big present was a trip to Universal Studios. And finally, after 18 years of marriage, 3 boys and a house full of hot wheel cars, race tracks, legos, trains and balls.......we have a baby doll in the house!!!!

My parents came over around 12:00 noon and we opened presents from them and then the boys spent the rest of the day playing together with all of the new toys. Then we went to the cemetery and placed a red stocking with a silver initial "T" on Tristan's grave site and ended the day at my parent's house for dinner with them and my grandparents. It was a busy day!



Universal Studios & Islands of Adventure (12/27-12/28)

As I mentioned above, Tanner's big present was a mother/son trip to Universal Studios in Orlando, FL. Tanner was so excited because he's never been to Universal plus this was only the 2nd time we've ever done a mother/son getaway. We went with my best friend, Jami, and her kids, Tyler and Anna. We left early on Saturday morning so we could be one of the first in the park at 8:00 am. The crowds weren't bad and the weather was, well Florida weather, 80 degrees in December. We had so much fun riding roller coasters and movie rides and watching the Macy's Parade. We left the park at 10:00 pm and stayed at a Marriott hotel that was really nice and the best part was that it had a Starbucks on the main level - which was great because Starbucks is my and Tanner's special little place during the week! The next day we slept in because we had NO babies (ha ha!) and and then we went to Downtown Disney all day. Tanner and I had the most incredible weekend getting to spend one-on-one time together.

Tristan's 1st Birthday 12/3/08 **UPDATED**

As promised, here is an update and pictures of how we celebrated Tristan's 1st Birthday on Wednesday, December 3rd.

We began our day by going back to the hospital where Tristan was born. Trayc had already talked to the head of the Labor & Delivery and asked that she contact all of the nurses that were there last year because we had a special presentation to make. We were blessed to have had 3 of our 6 nurses there along with the rest of the nurses that were working that day, most of which knew us because of Tristan's story/blog.

We had asked that the nurses be there around 12:00 noon because Tristan was born at 12:42 and we wanted to do our special presentation at the same time. Our gift to the hospital was 56 knitted baby caps personally made by Trayc's mom and grandma because the little handmade caps the nurses put on Tristan were too big and they started unraveling. Anyone who knows my mom, knows that she is the perfectionist (that's where I get it from) and she didn't like the fact that her grandson was wearing a hat that was falling apart. The nights my mom and Trayc's mom stayed at the hospital together they would have long nightly conversations about how the caps could be made better. Trayc's mom knows how to crochet but didn't know how to knit. She felt as though the Lord was leading her to learn how to knit so that she could make the caps better. When she and grandma returned to Tennessee they signed up for knitting classes and learned how to knit so they could make little caps in memory of Tristan by his 1st birthday.

As you can see, she and grandma have been working very hard. They also sewed in a label that says Tristan Asher Foundation and tristanasher.org so that every person who receives a cap and from the nurses will be told about Tristan and they can go to our website to read about him.

Aren't the handmade, knitted caps beautiful????


As we got off the elevator at the L&D floor we started talking about how we felt a year ago as we were only hours from holding our new little boy and the days ahead were so uncertain. As the double doors opened to the L&D area, the nurses all started running towards us, hugging us, grabbing Tayden and Tanner to hug them - they couldn't believe how big they were. It was such a sweet moment to be able to go back to where our little boy was born, where he took his first breath, to see the place we left a year ago with our arms full of new life and then to see our precious nurses again - the ones that rejoiced with us, prayed with us and cried with us daily!!!!


After the hospital we went out to lunch and then drove 45 minutes to the cemetery. This is the first time I have been back since Tristan's service. Trayc is in that area of town often so he stops by frequently to think, pray and remember. I have really put it off this past year knowing how very difficult and extremely emotional I was as we drove away after the service. Never in my life have I felt the deep pain and grief I felt in those last few moments and had no desire to relieve that again, especially in front of my boys. Trayc has been sweetly mentioning for a year now that we needed to look at headstones but it's just that final step I have not wanted to make!

As we pulled into the cemetery on Wednesday, Trayc reached over and took my hand without saying a word. I took a deep breath as we made our way through the entrance and then took a turn to the left and approached the "Garden of Innocence" area. I thought back to January and how it looked when we pulled up: a tiny little white casket with a beautiful arrangement of miniature white roses and 5 miniature blue roses on the top, and all of our family members standing quietly as we exited the car. Stepping out of the car and walking up that little hill, that day, to Tristan's casket was by far the hardest walk I have ever made - it was a visual and reality that no mother ever wants to experience. So I have been afraid of going back but knew we would go back on his birthday.

Wednesday was a little different than I expected. We pulled up and let the kids sit in the car for a moment. I got out of the car and slowly walked towards Tristan's little marker. It looked so bare, like no one had ever visited, like no one loved him, like he had been forgotten - compared to all the other headstones and markers. I felt so sad and it broke my heart because I knew how much our little boy was loved and what a miracle he was, it's just that his mommy couldn't do this any sooner. I was so thankful I had made a "It's A Boy" bow (it matches the Christmas tree we made for Tristan last year, remember?) with the number 56 and I made a bouquet of 4 white roses and 1 blue rose tied together by a "Baby's 1st Birthday" ribbon to lay in front of the marker. I looked at Trayc and said, "That looks so much better now. Okay, I'm ready to order his headstone, we need to do it, he's our little boy and we love him. No more putting it off." I smiled as I laid the flowers on his grave site knowing it meant we loved our little boy and that he wasn't forgotten. I believe the hardest part of the day was kneeling down to place the flowers on his site and realizing he was within reaching distance from me, that his little body that I held for 56 days laid only inches away. I know he is in Heaven but that little body, the one that I held tightly, kissed on, changed clothes/diapers, changed the leads for the apnea/heart monitor, held the oxygen tube for, that little body is there and my heart longs and my arms ache for my precious little boy. I am so thankful he is being held by our Heavenly Father until I can hold him again. This mommy longs for Heaven more than ever before.

After we had our moments, Tanner got out of the car with the balloons. He was so excited about bringing them to Tristan's grave and letting them go. Tayden was asleep when we pulled up, we could have let him stay in the car sleeping but I told Trayc that I wanted him to be in the pictures, not just for today but 10, 15, 20 years from now I want him to know all about Tristan and see that he was a part of it. So, being the photo parents we are, we took him out of the car and then fortunately he woke up, saw the balloons and said, "Balloon!!!!". The boys released the solid balloons only because Tanner wanted to take the Mylar birthday balloon back to the house for the party.


We came home, had Tristan's birthday party and ate cake. We put the cake on his blue blanket and had his little doggy beside the cake. Tayden was excited about eating "caaakkkeee" and Tanner wanted to blow out the candle.


We had a really sweet day as a family remembering Tristan and celebrating his 1st birthday.

Thank you so much to every person that left a comment on our blog, Facebook, emailed, texted, called or sent us a card. We greatly appreciate you remembering our family and our little boy on his birthday. We have never taken for granted the love we have received from our family, friends and our blog family.

VERY SPECIAL THANK YOU to Trayc's mom and my mom for coming up with the idea and to Trayc's mom and grandma for knitted each cap with lots of love and in memory of their grandson.

Happy 1st Birthday, Tristan

Tristan Asher Hostetter
December 3, 2007 at 12:42 pm
4 lbs. 4 oz. 16 1/2 inches

Today is our little boy's 1st Birthday. Oh how we wish he was here to celebrate this very special day with us. These are the kind of days that make us thankful we are Christians and know without a doubt that we will see our little boy again, that he has been completely healed of Trisomy 18 and is now in Heaven with our Lord waiting on us. I pray that he knows how much we love and miss him every day. I'm sure he is celebrating with all of his little friends today - Poppy Joy, Maddox, Mary Grace, Asher, Issac, Miller Grace, Eva and Jacob.

We have a very special day planned today. Please check back later for an update and pictures.

In case you didn't see the slideshow from Tristan's "Celebration of Life" service, this is a sweet little glimpse of the 56 days we shared as a family of 5.






Tristan's verse: John 11:4 - This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God may be glorified thereby."

Happy 1st Birthday Tristan!!!!!!
We love you,
Mommy, Daddy, Tanner & Tayden

Catching Up

I am so sorry I haven't posted since September 23rd. It has been very busy in our home the past 3 months. We started back to home school and piano, we finished up the Fall soccer season, we are attending lots of exciting Middle School church events, we have our normal family activities, we have church 3x's a week, we are going out with family and friends, oh and then add in the fact that we are also fostering a newborn baby girl. Now that makes for a busy life!

But you know what? I wouldn't trade it for anything. The busyness is exactly what we have needed. The beginning of 2008 seemed to go by soooo slow. It felt as though we would never get through those first few months of deep, dark sadness and grief. But now that we are in the last month of the year, we realize that even during the days/nights that seemed to linger and we felt like we were just stuck in that moment, we really weren't.....we were constantly moving forward each day. We do enjoy the quiet, peaceful, event-free days, however anyone who has lost a baby knows that sometimes those kind of days also bring about thoughts, feelings and emotions that cause your heart to ache, especially here at the holidays!!!

Because I am very behind in posts, I decided to make this one BIG post of pictures and brief descriptions to catch everyone:


September 27th - My 41st Birthday....leaving 40 behind

Wow, it's hard to believe I'm now considered over 40. I've never had a problem with turning another year older or even hiding my age, I think age is a state-of-the-mind so I just try to stay "young at heart". Of course having a 12 yr old, a 2 1/2 yr old and an 8 week old certainly helps keep you young and on your toes!!!!

The 27th of each month is the hardest and guess what? My birthday falls on the 27th and I turned 41. Like I said, birthdays don't bother me but this birthday was different. A part of me wanted to remain 40 FOREVER. A year older now means I am moving away from one of the most precious years of my life. During the year of 40 there were moments filled with excitement finding out we were pregnant for the 3rd time, surprised we were actually having a 3rd boy, thrilled at week 16 when we were told our baby boy was healthy, dreaming of blue nursery in our new home, devastated at week 20 when we were told our baby boy wasn't healthy and that he would be born with Trisomy 18 and would not live, thankful our baby boy made it to full-term birth alive on December 3, 2007 at 12:42 pm, in awe as we left the hospital with our baby boy in my arms, blessed beyond measure that we had 56 days and brokenhearted as our little boy quickly passed away in my arms on January 27th, 2008 at 4:40 pm.

I will never forget being 40 years old. Not only were memories made during that year but I can also say that I felt the Lord's presence in our life and in our family more than ever before. He never left our side and we are closer to Him today because of this past year. As much as I want to remain 40, I do look forward to the year of being 41 and seeing how the Lord continues to work in our lives and bless our family.


October 3rd - "My mom's birthday"

Trayc and I still live in our hometown so getting together for family events is easy because all of my family is still here and live nearby - we used to all live around the corner from each other until we moved (only 30 minutes away) last year. October 3rd is my mom's birthday. My parents, grandparents, sister/brother-in-law, Trayc and I went to dinner at 5-star restaurant called 95 Cordova in the Casa Monica Hotel and had an absolutely wonderful dinner. It was also fun to get dressed up, have adult conversations, not have to hold a bottle, fill up sippy cups and need to cut up food!!!! It's nice to have those kind of evenings. All the time? No, I love being a mommy and all that comes with it.

After dinner we went back to my sister's house so the grand kids could have cake and celebrate with Grammy too - this is where the "adult conversations" ended!!! We had a delicious chocolate cake that was topped with chocolate icing and vanilla ice cream and then the kids sat around Grammy as she opened her presents and cards they had made for her. Look closely at the card Tanner made. He put his name, Tayden's and Tristan's name hanging down on the little rectangles. It means so much to me that he never, ever, forgets his little brother.

I love you, Mom!


October 7th - "Unexpected call"

As most of you know, we received an unexpected call from the Placement Office and are currently fostering a newborn baby girl. Due to privacy issues I cannot say much, but please know that we are doing GREAT!!!! Countless people have said they just can't imagine taking in a new baby knowing the goal is to return them back to their parents especially since we've already lost our own baby. I know it must be hard to understand, but honestly Trayc and I feel as though who better to do it than us? We know first-hand what it's like to take care of a new baby knowing there are no guarantees, knowing we are not promised tomorrow, falling completely in love with them and then have to let go. For us, we are doing what we know best, we are living "in the moment", enjoying every day and taking lots of pictures - just like we did with Tristan.

I say all of that to also say that this road of fostering does get emotional sometimes and it's even harder when you are a family that is full of love. We love completely and with 100% of our hearts, not half-hearted and with that there is the risk of getting hurt. However, we truly feel as though this call was the Lord's will for us.

The reason this was completely unexpected is because we have been praying since March that the Lord would send 2 little girls, between the ages of 3-8 years old, to our family. And we were specifically praying that the Lord would bring them to our home BEFORE the holidays knowing this year would be difficult without Tristan. We are excited about having new life in our home and at the holidays. We feel like this is His answer to our prayers. Maybe it's not what we had originally prayed for, but is His answer always what we pray for? Is His will always what our desires are? No, we have learned that this past year. We are trusting in the Lord again through this process and just like before, know without a doubt that He will carry us every step of the way and He will be there regardless of the outcome.

Thank you to everyone that has been praying for us and checking in on us.


October 26th - "18 yr Wedding Anniversary" & "Cardboard testimony"

FRONT OF BOARD:
BACK OF BOARD:
Trayc and I celebrated our 18 yr wedding anniversary. Every year we have gone out-of-town but last year, because I was 7 months pregnant with Tristan, the doctors would not allow me to travel so we just left the kids with family and went to a hotel here locally. Last year Trayc promised that we would celebrate HUGE next year. Guess what? Plans changed because we received the unexpected call about the baby girl, which was certainly well-worth staying home for. Our anniversary fell on a Sunday so we decided that since we were home we would do what we always do on Sunday - go to church.

The week before our anniversary we received a call from our church asking us to do a cardboard testimony. I have seen this on YouTube several times, and I cry every time because it is very moving. Our pastor has been in a sermon series called "In the Midst of Suffering", which have been perfect messages for us! He asked several people that have suffered greatly this past year to be part of the service. We had to think of something for the front and the back of our board for the Media Dept. to make.

On the morning of the service we had sound check at 8:45 in the church. Trayc and I took the kids over to the pew and left them with my parents and then we walked down in front of the church and one of the guys in the Media Dept. handed us our board. Okay, this is when the "I'm so strong and doing great" moment quickly faded.......I broke down the moment I saw Tristan Asher on the board. I was so embarrassed!!! Not that it was a problem for anyone standing around, they had all suffered and gone through great trials this past year like job losses/cancer/death of spouses, etc. but the emotions caught me off guard and without any warning. Trayc went back to my parents row and got me a Kleenex and I attempted to wipe my eyes without smearing black mascara all over my face! The tears just wouldn't stop. Finally, I was able to pull myself together and walked through sound check. I was fine until the actual service began and then I started crying again. I stopped and pulled myself together once more. I walked on stage (in front of 10,000 people), smiled with that same "I have it together" attitude and as I held my board up and glanced down at the TV screen on the floor in front of us and saw my little boy's name again "Tristan Asher". You are right, started crying again. They weren't tears of sadness, they were tears of remembering this past year and a half. Remembering all we've been through, the good times and the hard times and then realizing we were standing on that stage testifying to over10,000 people that our Lord has been faithful, He never left us and that we are remaining faithful to Him and not turning away just because we do not understand the reason for our loss.

This road of loss and grief is a hard one, something I never believed I could walk through. I remember begging Trayc, after we got Tristan's diagnosis, to not let this destroy us and who we were. I did not want to be the kind of person that would grieve the rest of my life, that never gets past it, that never moves on with my life, that wallows in my loss forever. Honestly I had a reason to be concerned, we had faced alot of things up to that point, but never anything of that magnitude and I was scared. Oh sure, there have been times that I wanted to crawl into bed and hide for days but I look at my 2 precious boys that are living and realize I didn't want them to have that kind of mother. I want them to see a sweet mommy, who loves Jesus, who walks the walk and talks the talk. I mean, how can I say, especially to Tanner at 12 yr old, that our prayers were answered, that the Lord had a reason for Tristan's life, that 56 days was his time, that the Lord has been faithful to our family and never left our side and yet not truly believe it or even act like it?


October 31st - "Happy Halloween"

You know, there are so many times I wished Tanner and Tayden were closer in age so I try to find things that will allow them to bond and make memories together. They are so close, especially for the age difference. We have also found some great advantages to the 10-year age gap, being able to do things all over again - a second time around. This is the first year Tanner has not dressed up for Halloween. His words were, "Mom, I'm in Middle School now so I'll just be myself." It's kinda sad that he had grown up so fast, it seems like just yesterday we were dressing him up in his Winnie the Pooh costume. Fortunately Tayden is 2 1/2, and is just beginning the fun kid things. His favorite character is still Thomas the Train which he calls "Cluck Cluck" but he has started to like Pooh, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Handy Mandy. We let Tanner decide and of course, he picked Pooh because he remembered being Pooh. Tayden looked so cute.

Halloween was fun!!! We started out trick or treating in the neighborhood across from us because most of the houses were lit up with lights of all colors, the home owners were all standing at the door ready to give out candy and the streets were full of families walking together going door-to-door. Tayden didn't really understand at first but finally he got the hang of it and he would run up to the door and knock. It was sweet watching Tanner hold Tayden's hand as they walked the neighborhood.

After that, we attended a Fall Festival at a nearby church. My parents and sister/brother-in-law and kids met us there and the kids played games, rock-climbed, slid down huge slides, ate hot dogs and my and Tanner's favorite part - ate cotton candy!!!!


November 1st - "My dad's birthday"

My dad's birthday is November 4th. As I mentioned earlier, all of our families live here in town and that also includes my dad, step-mom, step-sister/husband and their kids. My step-sister thought it was be sweet to throw my dad a surprise birthday party (FL/GA football style) - something we've never done before. Needless to say he was VERY surprised!!!!! It's not easy buying gifts for your parents, they seem to have everything but I truly believe what they really care the most about is TIME. My dad said his party was the perfect gift.....his 3 girls, their husbands and all his grandchildren together. We had so much fun celebrating with my dad, step-mom, step-sister/husband, their 4 children and my sister/husband and their 2 children.

I love you, Dad!!!!


November 27th - "Happy Thanksgiving"

We had a great Thanksgiving. We cooked most of the morning, making dishes that have been passed down generation after generation. Tanner loves to help in the kitchen, he snapped green beans, cleaned the potatoes and helped with the stuffing. Tayden, well he helped by sitting quietly with a bag of Sweet Sixteen chocolate donuts!


We finally sat down to eat about 4:00 pm. We missed having Tristan at the table this year, it would have been his 1st Thanksgiving. We were also reminded that it was, once again, the 27th which means he has been gone 10 months already. We reminisced about last Thanksgiving and how I was days from having Tristan, how we were busy painting our bedroom at 12:00 midnight and preparing our home believing that I would be in the hospital for 3-4 days and then come home and prepare for his memorial service. Oh how blessed we were, we came home on day 5 and had 51 more days.



Even though we have suffered a great loss this year, there is so much to be thankful for: my wonderful husband of 18 years who has walked this journey with me, for my 2 precious boys (Tayden and Tanner), for my miracle little boy(Tristan) that shared 56 DAYS with us, for the sweet newborn baby girl that we are fostering, for both of our families, for our wonderful friends and Internet friends, and for the readers that have followed our blog daily.


November 28th - "Black Friday" shopping

My sister and I have always been the crazy shoppers that hit the stores the day after Thanksgiving, but this year Tanner wanted to go with me. We got up at 4:00 am and left the house at 5:00 am. We were driving down the road and Tanner said, "It's still dark outside. I can't believe we're really going shopping at 5:20 in the morning!" I thought it was a cute moment to take a picture.


We went to Walmart and Target and made our way through the 100's of shoppers looking for the great sales!!! As we walked into Walmart they had big bins of PJ's for ages 12 months-5T and people were grabbing them and then tossing them over to other shoppers as they called out what size they were looking for. Tanner said, "I'm little, let me do it." He got down on the floor and ducked under all the other shoppers and started digging through the PJ's and as he found them he'd say "Here mom" and throw it to me. He laughed so hard and then walked away still laughing. It was a great mother/son moment.


We were hungry by 9:30 so we headed to Cracker Barrel for bacon, eggs, hash browns, biscuits and some much needed coffee (for me!).


After our bellies were full we were ready to go again. We went to the outlets and shopped until 12:00 noon and then headed home for a nice LONG nap until 4:00 pm.

This day started out mighty early but we talked, sang and laughed so hard, something I've really needed to do. Tanner has my personality so we always have a great time together. His sweet, sincere and yet funny attitude is what has really kept me going on the difficult days. Again, we made some very special memories, ones that I'm sure we will talk about for years to come.



So, that's a little glimpse of our home the past 3 months. We miss our little boy so much. On Thursday (Thanksgiving Day), we already began experiencing the moments which are sure to be bittersweet as we approach this coming week. Tristan's 1st Birthday is Wednesday, December 3rd and the will go right into the 56 DAYS we shared with him which also include Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year's Eve, New Years Day and the day he passed away, January 27th. So, these 56 DAYS and the holidays will be hitting us just days apart.

Please join our family in prayer as we begin the upcoming days/months. We are asking the Lord to hold our family tightly in His hand and to give us sweet reminders of our little boy's precious life. Thank you for your love, support and most especially the prayers for our family while on this journey.

We love you all!!!!

Our road to a full quiver

It's been almost 8 months since our little boy passed away. As a mommy, there is a part of my heart that wants to crawl in bed and dwell in those precious 56 DAYS that we shared and yet I know I can't do that. I am wife to Trayc, a mom to Tanner and Tayden, a daughter, a granddaughter, a sister, a Aunt, a friend, a 6th grade girls' Sunday School Outreach leader, a Middle School church choir helper and a mentor to a precious 6th grade girl that came into my life a year ago.

As a family we have slowly made our way through this grieving process. Never rushing, never expecting too much from each other, never doing more than we thought we could emotionally handle and basically taking it one day at a time. Don't get me wrong, we are still grieving but in such a different way. We miss our little boy so much, his presence in our home is felt every day but the pain is not what it was 8 months ago. We have had to consciously make a decision, every day, that although we miss our little boy, we have to move forward and that is exactly what we have attempted to do the past few months.

I would like to share with you, where we have been and then share the exciting news of where we are:

Trayc and I grew up together at church. We attend a large church and there were over 300 in our youth group, we knew of each other but didn't hang around together. It wasn't until we had both graduated from high school and attended Middle School camp as counselors in August 1987 that we actually met. It was love at first sight for both of us. I was taken by his sweet charm and personality but mostly by his love for the Lord as it was so obvious. We hung around together, in a group of friends, at church until our first date on October 19, 1987. We dated for 3 years and 1 week. During those years of dating we both lived at home. On the weekends we would stay on the phone for hours (like 4, 5 and 6 hrs!) talking about being married, having our own home and having a big family. Trayc wanted 4 kids, I wanted 6 kids - 3 boys, 3 girls (can you guess what my favorite TV show was? Yes, the Brady Bunch).

I had some female problems in my early 20's. I went to the doctor and ended up having numerous tests which then required a few surgeries. The doctor revealed the results of the surgeries and then said "Unfortunately, you will never be able to have children". I will never forget that day! I left devastated. I was so upset, not only by the results but with the doctor's attitude, he was very matter of fact and gave me no kind of hope. I decided to change doctors hoping for a better response. I knew the results wouldn't change but I was just looking for some kind of direction, some kind of hope, just anything that could possibly allow me to get pregnant and be a mommy.

Trayc and I were looking at rings and talking about getting married so I had to be honest with him, I had to tell him that we would never be able to have children, our own flesh and blood. Being the wonderful guy he was, he calmly and confidently said, "Honey, it's okay we'll just adopt". He was so sweet. I appreciated his attitude, he loved me for me not the children I could or could not give him. Inside though, my heart was broken. Every hope, every dream of having a family of our own and being a mommy was gone, gone before I even said "I do".

Trayc and I were married on October 26, 1990. We knew the chances were highly unlikely that we'd get pregnant but we still tried month after month, year after year for 4 long years. I changed doctors 8 times. A friend suggested that I go to her doctor because he was a sweet Christian man. I scheduled the appt. but honestly went with no expectations. What a difference that appt. made. The doctor said there was hope as there were several kinds of infertility medications available - none of which were ever offered by the other 8 doctors. I began taking fertility medications immediately. The doctor tried every kind and with every combination possible for 6 months but I still wasn't pregnant. The doctor did not want to waste any more time on medications so he referred us to an infertility specialist.

We were excited about an appointment with the top infertility specialist in town. Again Trayc and I went to that appt. with no expectations! We sat there stunned as the doctor began telling us successful stories(most of which were multiple births) and he read statistics with the majority of women getting pregnant within 2-3 months through invitro. For the first time ever, we had a doctor say "Your case is very common, you shouldn't have any problem getting pregnant with invitro." WOW!!!!! Finally we had hope. We heard that there was a chance we could get pregnant, we could actually have a baby and hold our own flesh and blood. After 4 years of trying, 9 doctors, 1 infertility specialist, $25,000 (thanks to Trayc's mom and grandma), 2 invitro procedures, many tears and lots of prayers - we were pregnant. Tanner Alexander was born July 19, 1996. Our first miracle baby!

We attempted 9 more years to get pregnant on our own without any success. Trayc and I decided to make an appt. with the same infertility specialist again. We didn't have any more money but we knew the invitro procedure worked for Tanner and we were really hoping it would not cost as much if we went straight to the same process. That would have been great, however, we were now 9 years older (37) and our bodies had changed. They could do the same process but there would be a few more processes, which meant more money! We left the doctor's office that day resolving in our own minds that we were so thankful for the life of our son, Tanner, and we would pursue adoption down the road. Every day Tanner would ask why we didn't have a house full of kids, that he didn't want to be an only child and that he wanted lots of brothers and sisters. A few days later, Trayc woke up in the middle of the night and said, "I just thought of a way we could get the money, we could see how much equity we have in our home". The next day he rushed to the bank and we had enough. We refinanced, we got the money, went to the doctor with a check in hand and began the blood work and paperwork. On July 28th, 4 days before we were supposed to begin invitro process our doctor said that I needed to take a pregnancy test just to make sure we were not pregnant. I laughed and said, "Seriously, I really don't need to take one, I've never been pregnant on my own in 15 years. " Guess what? I was pregnant. Tayden Abbott was born March 27, 2006. Our second miracle baby!

Trayc and I decided that since we got pregnant with Tayden on our own, no medication, no invitro procedures and we were 40, we'd try again because we really wanted Tayden to have a brother/sister close in age. So we tried, 1 time on Tayden's 1st birthday and guess what? Again, we were pregnant. Tristan Asher was born December 3, 2007. Our third miracle baby!

The Lord has blessed Trayc and I with the greatest desires of our hearts, our own flesh and blood. But, as you know the hopes and dreams for our third 3rd miracle baby were not all we had hoped they would be. Our lives were shattered on August 15th as we sat in the high-risk doctor's office and heard the news that our precious little boy would be born with a very rare (1:6000) genetic disorder called Trisomy 18 which is considered "incompatible with life".

After the shock and devastation of the news wore off, Trayc and I started talking about our future, not just with Tristan, but about our desire for more children. Here we were, married for 18 years, both 40 years old, 2 boys which are 10 years apart and a baby that, barred a miracle, would not be with us very long. In September 2007 we began talking about adoption again, just as we had back when we were dating and over the course of our 18 yrs of marriage. Trayc and I talked about adoption quite often until Tristan was born on December 3, 2007. We stopped talking about it because we were still hoping and praying for a miracle. The Lord was still able to place His hand on our little boy and remove this disorder if He chose to. We also did not want to give up the hope that if our little boy was born with Trisomy 18 that he could be the long-time survivor, after all there are still miracle babies out there living with full Trisomy 18. I so desired to spend the rest of my life, 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week taking care of my little boy and would have done it, if given the chance! We now know the Lord's plan was for Tristan to live for 56 DAYS and I have to trust that He knows better than me. Was Tristan still our third miracle baby? Absolutely and in so many ways. He was conceived without medication, we only tried once, he made it to full-term, he was born alive, he made it to our home, we shared Tristan's 1st Christmas and best of all --- we prayed for 1 day and the Lord blessed us with 56 DAYS.

Our desire for more children is greater than it's ever been. Our minds are open, our hearts and open and our home is open. We believe the Lord has brought adoption back to both of our hearts. In March, I mentioned to Trayc that I would like to start considering adoption again but that I didn't want to say anything to anyone or make a decision either way until we both felt like the Lord was clearly leading us in that direction and not that we were just trying to fill the void we were feeling from Tristan's loss. So, I made my very first call to a friend in our church that had just adopted 2 little girls, sisters. My friend was so sweet. We talked for 2 hours, she explained their process, how precious their girls were, how they had adjusted, that they were a perfect fit in their family and that their other 3 girls instantly accepted them. It was so good for me to talk to her because honestly, I did not know anyone that has ever been adopted or adopted a baby/child. This was as new to me as Tristan's T-18 diagnosis and again I found myself researching the Internet for answers. However, it was wonderful to actually know someone who had just been through this process. My sweet friend gave me the names/numbers of people within the foster care system that helped them through the process so after we hung up I began making numerous phone calls. We were told it could take 6-9 months to get through the process. We began the process on April 9th, received our Adoption license on June 26th and our Foster-to-Adopt license on July 9th - both processes completed in 3 months.

We would like to adopt 2 sisters (between the ages of 3-8 yrs old). As everyone knows, I want little girls soooo bad. I long to go to ballet lessons, have pretend tea parties, play with Barbies, play dress up, have Disney princess' stuff everywhere, buy fancy dresses for church, brush long hair and learn how to put in hair bows. Just typing these words literally brings tears of excitement rolling down my face.

Our family is filled with excitement and anticipation as we wait for our little girls! And Tanner, well let's just say that he is ecstatic!!!! Oh how this brings joy to our hearts. The moment Tristan passed away he was crying so hard and begging "Mommy, please please have another baby or let's adopt please! I want a whole house full of brothers and sisters!" As I held Tristan in one arm, I held Tanner's face in the other and said, "Look at me Tanner, mommy promises we will not end on Tristan okay? We will have more children." My heart was not only breaking for the loss of Tristan but for Tanner. Tanner's little heart went through so much this past year and he was in, by far, the most difficult moment he will probably ever face in his life - his baby brother had just taken his last breath. Trayc and I have made him a huge part of this process. It has been sweet hearing him pray every day for our girls and ask every time the phone rings "Mommy, was that a call about some girls?".

Would you please join us today in praying for our future children, the ones the Lord will bring home to us? We do not know who they are or when they will come but He does and His timing is always perfect. We are specifically praying that the Lord would protect them, guard their little minds and hearts until they walk through the door of our home. We are praying for them daily just as we did for all 3 of our boys.

A very special THANK YOU to the following people that helped us through this process: Tamara B., Sandra S., Linda A., Eileen C., Dennis M., FSS employees, JG, Melissa B., Gidgett G., Michelle Mc., the 10 couples we met at CFC, Jami T., my and Trayc's family members' that have prayed/supported/encouraged us, and my sweet Internet friends that walked the Trisomy 18 road with me and are now walking this road with me.


Psalm 127:3-5

3 Behold, children are a
heritage from the Lord,
The fruit of the womb is
His reward.

4 Like arrows in the hand of
a warrior,
So are the children of one's
youth.

5 Happy is the man who has
his quiver full of them;
They shall not be ashamed,
But shall speak with their
enemies in the gate.

9 months ago.....

9 months ago today my sweet little boy was born. Knowing all of the "statistics" for Trisomy 18 babies, we assumed we would only have a few minutes or a few hours. We had already begged the doctors to get me from the operating room to my regular room as quick as possible. When we entered the room it was filled with 25 family members, photographer and her assistant from the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep organization, ready to take pictures, and one of our pastors was there ready to perform the baby dedication service. This service was very important to us because we had dedicated Tanner and Tayden at birth AND because Tristan truly was our miracle gift from the Lord, we felt it appropriate that we dedicate his life to the One who created him.

I have been so blessed to have such a sweet and very thoughtful step-mom, she thinks of those little things that mean so much. She surprised us with buying Tristan a beautiful, hand sewn, dedication outfit from a little quaint baby store in Nashville, TN. It was absolutely beautiful! We were going to dress Tristan in it, however because he had to be resuscitated 4 times in the delivery room we thought it would be best to let him save his energy and rest so we laid the outfit over him. Doesn't my little boy look precious here?


This picture has become very special to me because every morning when I turn on the computer Tayden climbs up in the chair, leans over the desktop, points to THIS picture (which is part of a collage of Tristan's pictures on our screen saver) and says "Baby" and "Baby hat". He smiles, laughs, climbs down and runs down the stairs to go eat breakfast.

It is so sweet to watch him do this and yet it brings bittersweet tears EVERY morning. I have seen Tayden grow up so much in the last 9 months. He is communicating and talking more and seems to be identifying with who Tristan is, alot more than when he was here in December and January. Oh how I wish Tayden was able to have his little brother here to love him, kiss him, talk to him and eventually play. Whenever I look in Tayden's room and see him sitting in the floor playing with Tanner, my mind envisions what it would have been like having all 3 of them playing. Although I will forever miss having my 3 boys grow-up together, I did have 56 DAYS with all 3 of my boys together. We were able to make so many memories during that time. One of my favorite pictures of my 3 boys together is this one from Christmas morning, our 1st Christmas with Tristan.


Days like today are hard. I have come to realize that there will always be days like the 3rd (the day he was born) and the 27th (the day that he passed away) that will forever be etched in my mind. I'm really missing my little boy today!!!!

Special prayer request: Kenzie & baby Faith

On the way home from church tonight I received a text from Kenzie. After a doctor's appt. today, she was admitted into the hospital because she was dilated and in preterm labor at 26 weeks. Kenzie and Dusty are expecting their precious little girl, Faith Clare Stanfield, in December. Right now they are attempting to stop the contractions with magnesium sulfate for at least the next 48 hours and then Kenzie will be on bedrest.

I am sure Kenzie is scared, as any mother would be, and yet I also know that Kenzie's faith and trust in our Lord has never wavered. What a testimony she has been through Maddox's sweet life and through this pregnancy with Faith Clare. Kenzie has become one of my dearest friends this past year. We've laughed together, cried together and prayed together while on this Trisomy 18 journey so it's really hard to be here in Florida when I want to be there in Texas beside her, holding her hand and praying with her. But what I can do is pray for her from a distance. I come here tonight with a heavy heart for my precious friend.

Please pray for Kenzie, baby Faith, her husband Dusty and their son Deacon tonight and in the days ahead. Kenzie's blog is located on the side of my lists under Trisomy 18 journeys, Maddox Donald Stanfield. Please visit their blog and let them know you are praying for them.

Kenzie used this verse for Faith Clare on June 7th: "I have prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him." 1 Samuel 1:27

August 15th...our journey began 1 yr ago

I am so sorry it's been a while since I've posted, it has been a busy month. Thank you to everyone that has either called or emailed to make sure we were okay. How comforting it is to know that we have sweet friends that remember we are still on this journey.

After Tanner's birthday weekend, we spent the following week shopping for clothes and getting him ready for the upcoming year of home school, piano, soccer and middle school (at church).

On July 28th, we took Tanner to church for his first year of Middle School camp. He was both excited and nervous because he had never been away from home for more than one night, so 5 days/4 nights seemed like a very long time.


As soon as we pulled up to church there were buses, luggage trucks and hundreds of kids running around talking and laughing - you could feel the excitement in the air! He found his cousin, Avery, and quickly forgot about being scared. Avery is in 7th grade so this was his 2nd year at camp, he is really excited Tanner's in Middle School now. They have talked all Summer about the Middle School dept. and how much fun they are going to have together going to camp, church, retreats, mission trips, etc. How blessed Tanner is to have christian cousins.


There were 8 buses - 4 boys and 4 girls, that lined the streets beside the church. That morning brought back so many memories for Trayc and I, we grew up at FBC and attended the same camp every year. But this time it was different, we weren't the ones going to camp, we were the ones standing on the street waving goodbye and that is hard! I did everything possible to fight back the tears, although there were many 6th grade parents crying. My first born is growing up way too fast.


After the buses were completely out of sight we left. I sat quietly in the front wondering how I would go all week without hugging or talking to Tanner. Tayden and Tanner play together most days so Tayden definitely missed his brother. It was an emotionally hard and quiet week. For 10 years all we knew was Tanner and then along came Tayden and we experienced the joy of having 2 children and then on December 3, 2007 we had 3 boys. Not only was it a blessing but a miracle, as we were told we'd never have children. I cannot explain the fulfillment I felt holding Tristan, having Tanner on one side and Tayden on the other. Once you know the feeling of 3 children in your home, if only for Tristan's 56 days, how do you ever go back to 2 children and NOT feel like something is missing?????? I am so thankful for Tanner and Tayden but our family is not complete without Tristan here. He was a part of us, he was a part of our family and I miss the noise and the busyness his sweet little life brought to our home. It seemed as though the loss of Tristan was magnified even more with Tanner not being home because I was back to one child.

Needless to say, we literally counted down the days until Tanner came home on Friday. We were the first car in the parking lot, an hour early! As the buses starting pulling up I was running down the sidewalk. The buses couldn't unload fast enough. I was standing at the door, of the 6th grade bus, as Tanner walked off. With tear-filled eyes, I grabbed him and said, "Hey baby, I missed you!" I probably embarrassed him (because you know, he's a big middle schooler now) but it's okay, he will always be my baby. This is the face of a very, very happy mommy!!!!!


We went out to dinner and Tanner shared about his exciting week at camp. It was packed full of activities: morning devotions, meeting at the flag pole for the pledge, 3 meals, swimming, softball, Bible classes, choir and chapel. Up at 6:00 am and in bed at 10:00 pm. There were 300 middle schoolers and lots of decisions for Christ were made. Tanner made a commitment to live 100% for the Lord and we are so proud of him. We know that Middle School is going to be an exciting time for him and cannot wait to see all that the Lord does in his life this year. We are grateful for a church that loves it's young people and knows the importance of teaching them about Jesus and how to live a godly and pure life.


On August 3rd, Tanner began his first week in the Middle School dept. He couldn't wait to get to Sunday School to receive his "Take The Light" journal - it's a big deal in Middle School, just as it was when Trayc and I were in there, infact I still have my journals from Middle School and High School. There is a section for their morning devotions, a section for prayer requests and a section for taking sermons notes. What a blessing it has been to see Tanner sit on his bed every morning having his quiet time, praying and writing prayer requests. Trayc and I are also really excited about this new school year because we are both working in the Middle School dept. as outreach leaders in the 6th grade Sunday School and helpers in Choir.


On August 7th and 8th, we took a mini-vacation to Orlando. After Tristan passed away a sweet friend had given us free tickets to Wet N' Wild so we decided to use them before we got too busy with the new school year. Trayc and I haven't been since high school and Tanner and Tayden have never been to a water park so we thought it would be fun. Trayc and I took turns going on the big slides with Tanner, I can't remember laughing that hard and that much. And Tayden, well his favorite thing to do was lay back on his tube and go around the lazy river over and over and over! We had a great weekend.




On August 15th, it was a day I would have preferred to stay in bed all day remembering that 1 yr ago our Trisomy 18 journey began. Thankfully, my sweet husband dragged me out of bed at 7:30 am and said that we were going to remember our little boy today and be thankful for all that we had with him. I got ready and we went to breakfast and talked about our precious little boy and all that the Lord had brought us through and what He is doing in our lives now.

Our life forever changed on August 15, 2007. Until that day life was great. We had been married 17 years, we had remained out of debt and cash only for 5 years, we were 8 days from moving into our new home with new furniture, we were prepared to paint blue walls and decorate a sports theme, we had sweet 11 yr old, a silly 1 yr old and we were pregnant with our 3rd little boy!!!!

Little did we realize in a matter of minutes our lives were about to change and that day would quickly became the worst day of our lives. We heard the most devastating and life shattering news that no parent should ever had to hear - our precious little boy, Tristan Asher, would be born with a very rare genetic disorder known as Trisomy 18 which, by medical science, is considered "incompatible with life". We were then told the statistics, 50% of babies do not survive to full-term birth alive and the 50% that do usually only live a few hours or days.

Our doctor's appointment that day was ONLY supposed to be a follow-up sonogram to see Tristan's heart. You see, just 4 weeks prior we were there to find out the most important question of any pregnancy, "Is it a boy or girl????" because we needed to buy paint before we moved into our new house the following week. We found out that it was another boy and just stood at the check out laughing saying, "Great, another boy which means more blue and we have to think of a name". I really thought this was going to be our girl so it was just such a joke that again we were having another boy and figured that we'd have to adopt if we were ever going to have a girl.

When we approached the check-out desk the nurse said the doctor wanted to see us back in 4 weeks for a routine sonogram to see Tristan's heart. The nurse tossed around several dates and then said "How is 8/15 at 8:15, hey that will be easy to remember?" and then laughed. I said, "That's fine" and as she was writing the little reminder card that said "8/15 at 8:15" I looked at Trayc and said, "That will be an easy day to remember!" Not only because of the similar numbers but because August 15th had 2 very special memories attached to that day, 1) Tanner's due date was August 15th and, 2) Tanner started his very first day of kindergarten on August 15th. Oh little did I know, standing at that desk that day, what other memory would now became attached to August 15th. That was the day every hope and every dream we had for our precious little boy was shattered in an instant!

When I read my own words written in my entry that day I feel the hurt, the pain, the sadness and the disappointment. We were so devastated!!!! But now, one year later as I look back, although the sadness of the news is still felt, I so vividly see how the Lord has carried us every step of the way. He was so faithful to our family. We did not know that we would have 56 days with our little boy. We were so scared we wouldn't make it to December. After we got over the initial shock and devastation, we committed to each other and to our Lord that we would not allow Satan to win. We would not allow him to steal the joy of the new life inside of me and that our little boy was our 3rd miracle regardless of his diagnosis. We prayed that the Lord would bless our family with the time He wanted us to have and that we would forever be thankful for that amount, whether it was a day, a month or a year. Tristan's time was 56 days.........that is his little life, his story and what the Lord allowed and we are eternally grateful for that time. You know, sometimes in this life we feel as though we do not make it very far but as I read my words written exactly one year ago I know that we have come through this.

On August 19th (of this year), and the following 4 days we were trapped inside. Yes, we're in Florida and you know what that means......hurricanes! Fay slowly made her way here. It began as a storm and then became a hurricane. The TV News was reporting it to "come right in at St. Augustine", well that's us, and this had not happened since 1964!!!! We began preparing for what we thought would be a very serious hurricane. Fortunately the hurricane became a storm, again, overnight. We had the winds of up to 75 mph and definitely rain and flooding but no serious damage was done. Here are some pictures:

Trayc was in the backyard attempting to take pictures without being blown over:


We had trees down in our subdivision:


We had so much flooding that the yard was full of water and the trees around the lake were IN the lake:


In 4 days of bad weather, we only lost electricity for about an hour on the last day. The boys got out the glow sticks left over from July 4th and we played:


And then tonight, August 27th, as I sit here and type this entry, I am reminded that it has been 7 months since I held my little boy. Oh my heart still aches for Tristan. I am reminded of him in everything we do, whether big or small, the daily routine or the fun planned trips and events. We are changed because of Tristan and we will honor our little boy's life by continuing to move forward, by using his story...56 days...to encourage other moms that receive the same diagnosis, to support others through their loss, to continue living for Jesus, taking one day at a time and above all ---- seeking to do the Lord's will in all that we do.


THANK YOU:

To everyone we personally know, or only know through the blog: for following our story this past year, for your love, support, encouragement, cards, emails, comments on our blog and Facebook. It means more than you can imagine. This has been a journey filled with many ups and downs but your friendships have carried us through the most difficult days of our lives.

To both of our families: for being there every day to love us, encourage us, support us and for understanding our emotions as we walk this road of grief this first year. We love you!!!

To my sweet internet friends: for your love, prayers and encouraging me on the hard days and for "carrying my mat" every day on this journey. I miss you all so much and cannot wait to be together again. I love you!!!!

Happy Birthday, Tanner!

12 years ago today Trayc and I were holding our first little boy, Tanner Alexander. He was definitely our miracle baby! We were told by 8 different doctors that we would never be able to have children. After 4 years of attempting to get pregnant, infertility medications and 2 invitro procedures we were pregnant! I am so thankful the Lord allowed us to get pregnant with Tanner, he was the answer to many prayers. Tanner was born 4 weeks early, weighed 5 lbs. 11 oz. and had no hair. We look so young don't we? We were so happy.......we NEVER thought that day was even possible!


If asked how I would describe Tanner this is what I would say: innocent, loving, happy, funny, sweet, polite, thoughtful, helpful, loves celebrating events and is a true perfectionist. Tanner says when he grows up he wants to play soccer in college, work for his dad's company (tile/stone), play the piano like Michael W. Smith and he wants to go on mission trips with his dad so they can tell the world about Jesus. What more could a mother ask for?

We have home schooled since 1st grade. It has been a decision we will never regret. In the beginning we only pulled Tanner from private school because we were having financial difficulties and the plan was to keep him out for 1 year. Well, 2 months into home schooling my heart quickly changed because I loved spending that time with him and because he was the only child at the time, we had a lot of one-on-one time together. And then it was fun while I was pregnant with Tayden because Tanner got to feel him kick, watch him grow for 9 months and be a part of our pregnancy. When Tayden was born Tanner stayed all 4 nights at the hospital and slept in his sleeping bag - the hospital doctors/nurses thought he was so cute sleeping on the floor beside me and they would just laugh when he'd walk up and down the hospital halls in his PJ's and big doggie slippers to go to the kitchen to get snacks! After Tanner finishes with school he will sit and play with Tayden whether it's trucks, trains, cars or sitting to watch Tayden's "baby" movies. And then being pregnant with Tristan, I could not have imagined Tanner not being there every day. With a Trisomy 18 baby you are only promised THAT day and not knowing whether we'd even make it to December it was so important to us that Tanner have as much time as possible being a big brother to Tristan even before he was born. And then to be able to bring Tristan home for 56 DAYS? What sweet memories Tanner will always have of being at his baby brother's bassinet all day, every day. So homeschooling has allowed so much more for us than if Tanner was at school all day. Home schooling has so many advantages and along with educating him I also get to teach him how to act like a godly christian young man.

Tanner has only played one sport, SOCCER!!!! He has played the Spring and Fall season since he was 4 years old. He had the same coach and team until we moved last August, it was neat watching all of the kids grow up together. Trayc was Asst. Coach and I was Soccer Mom for his team up until last year. We love going to games on Saturdays to watch Tanner play and it's so cute hearing Tayden clap and yell "YEAH, BRO BRO".

Tanner has taken piano lessons since he was 8 years old, and he has received trophies the past 3 years. Trayc and I both played the piano growing up but Tanner is so much more dedicated than we ever were. He will sit and play an hour or two a day. It is relaxing to hear him play throughout the day. We hope he will continue to use his talent in the years to come.

Tanner has 4 very close friends (left to right) Ben, Tanner, Drew, Harrison and Avery (cousin). All 4 of these are boys from sweet christian families, we are grateful for their friendships and the christian influence Tanner is surrounded by.

Tanner loves going to church and has been very involved. His favorite part is being in the musicals twice a year. All 4 years he had received a part, whether it's speaking or dancing. His last Elementary musical was in May, he was Lazarus in the boys' dance routine, which he dedicated to Tristan because his part centered around Tristan's life verse - John 11:4.


Tanner and Trayc have their own sport they enjoy doing together, kayaking. They began about 2 years ago and we surprised Tanner last year with his own kayak on his 11th birthday. Now that we live so close to the water it's very easy to drive down the street and put the kayaks in. This also give them father-son time together.

Children grow up so fast don't they? I can't believe Tanner actually leaves for Middle School Church Camp on the 28th. He is really excited about moving up to Middle School, at church, because they go on Mission trips, Retreats, Camp and have Friday night Bible studies. He is so excited that we are going to be working in the department too. Camp is going to be the beginning of a very exciting time for him and the beginning of some great opportunities for him to learn more about Jesus and how to have a deeper and more personal relationship with Him in the upcoming year.

Tanner was an only child for 10 years, all he ever wanted was a house full of brothers/sisters, so you can imagine how excited he was when we told him on his 10th birthday that he would be a BIG brother! Although there is an age difference you'd never know it, they play like they are best friends.

And Tanner was really excited when we told him, last Easter, that we were pregnant again. Tanner handled Tristan's diagnosis, his birth and his death far better than we ever expected. He has experienced more than most by the age of 12 in losing his brother. It's been a long road but he has no anger or bitterness and never questions why the Lord only allowed Tristan 56 DAYS with our family. I have heard him on many occasions explain how much of a miracle Tristan was, it's so sweet to hear him share his testimony about him. Tanner has been a big encourager for me, during the day, when I'm sad or missing Tristan.


We are so proud of Tanner, he is such a blessing to our family. Our prayer is that Tanner will continue to be a young man who loves Jesus with all of his heart, that will never turn away from the Lord, that he will never comprise his standards and personal convictions for this sinful world.

Happy 12th Birthday, Tanner!!!!

We love you,
Mommy, Daddy and Tayden

1 Samuel 1:27 says: "I have prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him."

my LARGE shirt

This has been a very busy and exciting week, our church had Vacation Bible School for the 3 yr old through 5th graders. We had a lot of kids, the average was about 1,200 per day and the 1st-5th graders collected a daily offering, for a local children's mission field within our church, which exceeded $2,000. I worked in the 5th grade department so I could be with Tanner all week - we had so much fun! We started off every morning with a main assembly for 1st-5th graders, where the kids would say all 3 pledges, sing songs, listen to a missions story, pray and then we divided into grade levels and had Bible class, Craft class and Recreation. I just love working with kids this age and teaching them about the Lord, this world has not really gotten a hold of them yet so they listen with open hearts and open minds.

This year the VBS theme was "Outriggers Island". The kids learned how to know, speak and live God's truth-aloha style. Based on Psalm 86:11, Outrigger Island is more than a tropical paradise. It's the place where kids develop the stability they need to face a world of shifting sands and wavering opinions.

The teachers were given lime green shirts to wear all week. On Monday, as I was getting dressed for VBS and pulled my medium shirt over my head, I instantly recalled getting ready last year ........


........... my shirt was a LARGE!!!! I was 4 months pregnant with Tristan and we did not know he had Trisomy 18. I was so excited, so happy, full of laughter and proudly wore my large shirt that covered my big belly. I took my niece and nephew every morning to VBS, as soon as my sister would drop them off my niece would say, "Aunt Yvette is Tristan kicking?". They loved rubbing my belly, feeling him kick and couldn't wait to have another cousin to play with. I miss those days.


This week has brought a lot of memories of being pregnant with Tristan. I miss the days I wore LARGE shirts, my big belly and feeling him kick, but even more so I miss the 56 DAYS we had, just loving and holding my precious little boy!

Oh Tristan, mommy misses you so much!


(VBS verse) Psalm 86:11 says: "Teach me Your way, O Lord; I will walk in Your truth; Unite my heart to fear Your name."

Deeper Still: A Divine Appointment Indeed

Thank you so much to everyone who left a comment on my entry titled "Face-to-Face". I still cannot find the words to express how much the Atlanta trip meant to me. It was just so comforting and healing being with 7 other girls who completely understand everything I am feeling. We share a bond that cannot be broken by time nor distance. The only thing that's different now is that we all really miss each other and can't wait to be together again!

Since posting about our trip I have received numerous emails from people simply saying thank you for sharing our story and our journey. Oh, my hope has always been that other girls who are facing a diagnosis like Trisomy 18 or any other prenatal diagnosis will reach out to others that are going through the same thing or that have already walked this road. This journey has been lightened since I reached out to these sweet girls last Fall and I cannot imagine this journey without them.

After returning from our trip, one of the girls, Emily (Miller Grace's mom), was given an amazing opportunity by LifeWay to share her story of our Atlanta/Deeper Still trip which was posted today on the Deeper Still Blog (Beth Moore).

A very special THANK YOU to Michelle Hicks, LifeWay Rep., for praying for us over these past few months, for praying with us at DS, for giving us the incredible opportunity to meet Beth Moore backstage and for allowing the story of our babies to be shared through the DS blog!

Please click on the link below to read Emily's story:
http://blogs.lifeway.com/blog/deeperstill/2008/07/deeper_still_a_divine_

Face-to-Face

On Sunday night I returned from the most incredible trip of my life. I was finally able to meet FACE-TO-FACE with 8 my closest "Internet" friends that have walked this Trisomy 18 road with me.

It's really hard to put into words what this weekend meant but I will try because I want you to understand through my words and pictures, how the Lord blessed me by placing each one of these girls in my life, through the loss of my precious little boy, Tristan. It is such a beautiful picture of how the Lord went before us and prepared every step we would take, while on this journey, so that we could carry each other on the most difficult days of our lives.

In March, Emily emailed several of the girls she has met along her journey and asked if we would like to meet at the Deeper Still Conference. We all love Beth Moore and knowing she would be in Atlanta, which is centrally located for all of us, just seemed to make sense that it would be the backdrop for our first meeting. Eight of us confirmed, we bought our conference tickets, we booked our hotel room and we booked our flights. The excitement has been building for months as we've had so much fun emailing, calling and planning for this long awaited moment.

On Thursday, I arrived at the Marriott Airport hotel at 12:00 noon and checked everyone in, we had 3 rooms together! The first girl I met was Kenzie (Maddox's mom). As Kenzie, her mother-in-law and Deacon pulled up I ran out the door and gave Kenzie a big hug with tear-filled eyes because this day was finally here! It felt like we were old friends at a reunion, not meeting for the first time - I wasn't scared or nervous, I just knew her so it was real and it was comfortable. We went to our room and relaxed while we talked, laughed and shed a few tears. Around 2:30 pm we boarded the hotel shuttle and headed to the airport to meet the other girls that were flying in.

Kenzie and I anxiously awaited for Kristy, Chrissy, Kim and Angie to fly in. Every time another girl would fly in it got even more exciting, needless to say it was extremely hard for the security guard to keep us "behind" the yellow security tape - we crossed the line every time and ran up with open arms as each girl stepped off the escalator.

First we met Chrissy(Eva's mom) and Kristy(Asher and Issac's mom).


Then Angie(Poppy Joy's mom).


And then Kim(Mary Grace's mom).


The 6 of us left the airport and went to dinner at Ruby Tuesdays. We had a sweet time of sharing as we went around the table explaining how we each met our husbands.

After dinner we went back to our hotel, got in our PJ's and sat in 1 room on 2 beds and talked while we waited for Emily to drive in. Once Emily(Miller Grace's mom) got there we stayed up talking until 3:00 am.

On Friday morning we slept in until 10:00 am. We went downstairs for breakfast at Starbucks and then headed back to the airport because Karen was flying in(Jacob's mom). We ate lunch at the airport, Houlihans, and we were able to meet up with another mommy, Kirsten (Chloe's mom), who just happen to be in the Atlanta area on a business trip so we were able to spend some time talking to her at lunch.

After lunch we hugged Kirsten bye and we were off to the conference. Now, I had Mapquested all of our directions for the trip and the one from our hotel to the arena said 21 minutes, however we assumed Chrissy's GPS system would be better - wrong! But, we made it in record time, even though we literally crossed over 3 lanes of traffic to get off at our exit - there were definitely some serious traffic violations occurring! Once we arrived Downtown we had to park and walk several blocks, we were in a pack of 8 and very visible as we all matched from our t-shirts that Emily made, our necklaces that had our baby's name on it, our matching tote bags that Chrissy made, our matching bracelets that Kenzie gave us, our matching bracelets that Kristy gave us, our capris, our flip-flops and all the way down to our cute little pedicured toes. I cannot even count the number of people that literally stopped us along the way asking what our t-shirts meant. It gave us the opportunity to share about our babies, how we all met, and all that the Lord has done in our lives. We proudly wore them as it represented who we are and how we were brought together!

We only had to wait 15 minutes on the steps outside the arena before the doors opened. Look at the date this photo was taken, it says 06-27-2008, if you've followed my story long enough you realize that the 27th, by far, is the most difficult day for me - Tristan passed away on January 27th at 4:40 pm. Do I look like I am sad in this picture? NO. It was so comforting being surrounded by all of my friends on this 5-month anniversary instead of being at home. This was the first 27th that has been happy, fun, exciting and filled with lots of laughter......... thank you girls.

There were 19,000 women in attendance so imagine that many people attempting to get in the doors, all at once, running in to get the best seats. Thanks to Emily, she ran straight down front to the floor and we all sat on 1 row together, on the 10th row.


On Friday night the conference began at 7:00 pm. The music by Travis and the Praise Team and the Special Guest, Mandisa was wonderful and the message by Prisicilla Shirer was unbelievable. I felt like she was talking directly to the 8 of us as she spoke of being "in the wilderness". In Exodus 19, it talks about how God invited the Israelites into the Wilderness of Sinai, and how He takes us through the wilderness to hear Him. Verse 2 says, "and camped in the wilderness". This was a temporary place, as in we are to pitch our tent NOT dwell there permanently. God took them there so that they could be brought face to face with Him and even though they didn't want to be in the wilderness, they were there to hear Him in a way they never would have heard Him before. Oh this message spoke to my heart, I have never heard God speak like He did while we were in our wilderness with Tristan. His voice was so vividly clear and I honestly don't believe we would have heard it had we not been in the wilderness. Our lives are so different now and we are different now. Trayc and I do not believe we would be who we are right now had we not been in the wilderness because our hearts and minds were open to our God, for what He had to say not what man had to say.

The conference was over about 10:00 pm. We were so hungry, we drove around attempting to find a restaurant open that late but of course all we ended up doing was getting lost so we gave up, found our way back to the hotel and ordered 2 pizzas at midnight! And for a second night in a row, we all sat in 1 room on 2 beds talking, eating pizza and snacks until 2:30 am. Sleep was obviously not a priority to any of us on this trip because we'd waited so long to be together.

Saturday morning came way too fast, in that we had no sleep! We had to get up at 6:00 am because we needed to leave our hotel by 7:15 am. We wore our matching t-shirts again, thanks to a little Febreeze. We were some of the first to get in the doors again and had good intentions of sitting on the floor just like Friday night however as we entered the arena we were stopped by several LifeWay representatives who knew our story, as it was posted on the Deeper Still blog several weeks ago. We were able to meet some precious ladies who hugged us, talked to us, said they had been praying for us and then they cried with us - yes, we were crying before the conference even began. We finally met our main source of contact, LifeWay representative Michelle Hicks. She, too, hugged us and talked to us and said she wanted to pray with us but she said, "I'll let you go get your seats first". Guess what, we didn't have seats because we had been stopped by so many people that wanted to talk to us about our babies we never got them. It may not seem like a big deal that we didn't have our seats, but you have to remember there were 19,000 women rushing in, we needed 8 seats together, and when we looked up it was already filling up to the top. Michelle Hicks said, "We'll get you some seats!". Well, we weren't sure how it would happen but she worked it out and we had 4 and 4, exactly how we wanted them, on the 6th and 7th row. Perfect seats!!!!

Kay Arthur and Beth Moore spoke and it was just as applicable to our lives as Priscilla's message was on Friday night. And the music, well once again the Lord was present in that place. Have you ever had moments that you wished you had a camera taking pictures, although it would not be the "appropriate" time? Oh I wish I could have taken pictures of the 8 of us on Saturday. We were singing praises to our Lord, we were reaching our hands up to Him, we were crying out in worship, we were sitting in our sits with our heads bowed crying sweet tears and we were standing with our arms interlocked singing "My Chains Are Gone" (which we all call Poppy Joy's song), what moments those were! And then my favorite moment was at the end of the conference, we were all standing, singing with our hands raised up in the air and connected. These were the hands of 8 mommies, whose hands are aching to touch their precious babies again and yet we know our Lord has a plan, we know His ways are perfect, we know He will take care of us so we are lifting up our hands to our Lord in praise and worship thanking Him for everything He has done for us. Those are some priceless moments, those are the ones that were captured in my mind and I will never forget them.

After the conference we had the most unique opportunity, we were able to meet Beth Moore. As soon as the conference was over LifeWay representative, Michelle Hicks, took the first person by the hand, and in a single file line, we mingled in and out of thousands of women as we were escorted to the back of the arena. As we approached the security guards, Michelle gave each one of us a backstage pass to put around our neck. As we were walking down the hallway Beth Moore and her daughter, Amanda, were right behind us. Beth walked in the room, shut the door and then went around the room hugging each one of us and then she talked to us as a group. At the end she asked us all to kneel down on the floor (with all of our knees touching) and she, her daughter Amanda and Michelle Hicks walked around us, touching our shoulders and praying and then as Beth got to each one of us she placed her hands on our heads and specifically prayed for us. The emotions were so overwhelming in that room, we were crying out loud. Beth's prayer was so real and said with such power and boldness as she thanked the Lord for us and for our babies, as she asked the Lord to comfort us during this time of grieving, and to guide us in our steps, to heal our broken hearts and to strengthen us as we move forward. There was NOT a dry eye in that room.

After meeting Beth, we went next door to a quaint little Mexican restaurant for dinner and then we were back on the roads of Atlanta heading to Target. We each bought a piece of pottery and lots of snacks! We went back to the hotel and got our bathing suits on went to the pool for an hour. Then we were ready to smash some pottery! There are books on grieving that reference breaking a piece of pottery because of your anger, saddness or brokeness but I am assuming this would not take place when you are hiliariously laughing, however what do you expect with a room full of 8 mommies? We had each bought a different color of pottery so we stepped outside the hotel room door and smashed it on the concrete floor (YES, it was extremely loud and it was 12:00 midnight). We were all laughing so hard because not only was it loud but some of us had to smash our pottery 2 and 3 times to get enough pieces to share! After everyone smashed their pottery, we placed the broken pieces on the bed, took a picture, and then we each kept our main piece of our pottery and took a piece of each others. A few of the girls are going to glue the pieces together, others are framing the pieces and others are placing them on a cross. Whatever we do with them, it will be our symbol that we were broken together and the Lord placed each one of us together along this journey.


And, our second project (which was much quieter) was making a mat. Kristy did a post a few weeks ago and it so touched my heart. I had emailed the girls after reading the post and told them that this is how I felt, that THEY had carried my mat for me during this journey. So I had bought some placemats and markers and we each wrote our baby's name, days they lived and their birthdate in the middle and then at the top we wrote "Carrying your mat Luke 5:17-20". We passed them around and each girl signed the mats. We've all talked about framing the mats. Every time I look at my mat I will remember that these are the names of the girls that carried me to Jesus in prayer, that loved me, supported me and encouraged me.

Sunday morning came far too soon. We went downstairs to Allie's for the breakfast buffet and then the hardest part of the trip came, we had to begin saying goodbye. Angie left right after breakfast and then Kim left an hour later.

We had a few hours left before the last 6 of us had to begin saying goodbye, unfortunately I was the next one to leave. I hugged each girl as I fought back the tears and then the tears started flowing quickly as I said goodbye to the last girl, Kenzie, she was the first girl I hugged on Thursday and the last one on Sunday! Pulling away from the hotel was hard, it's not like we can get together again next weekend. We are already planning on a trip next year but that seems like a long time away. It's so hard to find friends that just completely understand you and yet I found them but they are in different states.

This weekend was more than I ever imagined it would be. We have laughed, cried, shared, hoped, dreamed, worshiped, praised the Lord, prayed and made altar call committments. This was also a weekend of refreshing and renewing of our minds and our hearts as we move forward in our journeys no matter where that might take us.

These are the faces of
8 mommies,
from 8 different cities,
from 8 different backgrounds,
with 9 babies in Heaven,
who met on the Internet,
who love their Lord.....

Kim, Emily, Karen, Yvette,
Kristy, Angie, Kenzie & Chrissy

Happy Father's Day

I was very fortunate to grow-up in a sweet christian home, one that loved Jesus and and placed a great deal of value on family. Having never left my hometown, I am still surrounded by all of my family. We have so many family traditions, ones that were established many years ago and have been passed down generation after generation, so there's never a question as to where we'll be on the BIG holidays, we'll always be together with family. We don't have to plan where we'll be, what food we're taking and even whose going to be there - it's just tradition! We love our families dearly and always enjoy celebrating with them.

Since losing Tristan in January, we've had to change the way we are celebrating events right now. It's really been hard not having him here with us to celebrate so it causes me to be emotional on those particular days. I seem to be sheltering myself and my heart from all of these 1st events because of the fear I will breakdown and ruin it for everyone. I know my family loves me and it would be okay if I cried or was sad but really, who wants to be around that? I do want to be that same fun "event girl" that I've always been but I know it's just going to take some time and space. Events are hard because although I'm with all of my family that loves me, inside it's still sad because ALL of my family really isn't here - my little boy is missing. We are simply trying the best we can to get through all of these 1st events, without Tristan, in a way that is best for us or should I say best for me! We chose to celebrate Easter and Mother's Day by ourselves, just the 4 of us, which was a very wise choice - they were extremely hard. And, Father's Day, any other year, would have consisted of us going to church, sitting on the row with my family, going to lunch with my family and then ending up at my Dad/Step-mom's house. Because Mother's Day was so hard, and it literally took me 2 weeks to get back emotionally to were I had been prior to that weekend, we decided to go against everything we normally do. We slept in, got up and made a big breakfast, the boys gave their gifts/cards to Trayc and we headed to the beach.


We had so much fun! Tanner loves the beach but this was only Tayden's 2nd time (I know crazy isn't it? We live in Florida and we're only 10 min from the beach, go figure!). Tanner tried to teach Tayden how to build a sandcastle but all he wanted to do was smash the castles with his shovel. Tanner dug a big hole in the sand for Tayden to slide down into and play with his toys. Tayden loved running down to the edge of the water, letting his little toes get wet and then quickly turn around and run back laughing. Trayc and the boys spent a lot of time in the water together, jumping over the waves and swimming. It was a beautiful day. The sun was out, their was an ocean breeze, Trayc and I laughed, the boys played and we made some very special memories, ones filled with laughter and excitement. It was the perfect day, except that our precious little boy was greatly missed.

Happy Father's Day, Trayc

Trayc,

Thank you for being a wonderful husband of 18 years, for always believing in us, for never giving up, for leading our family spiritually, for teaching our boys about Jesus and for all of your love and support this past year through our journey with Tristan. Thank you for promising me, back in August, that we would not allow Satan to destroy us or our family because of this diagnosis and that we would use Tristan's story to honor and glorify the Lord no matter what. I also appreciate your patience during these past 6 months of grieving, your diligence in working on our foundation, working hard to consistently provide for our family and for keeping us faithful to our Lord. I look forward to all that the Lord has in store for our family in the upcoming year. I love you so much.

Your wife, Yvette


Daddy,

Happy Father's Day. You are the greatest dad.

Thank you for playing soccer with me, going up to the field to shoot my rockets, throwing the football in the yard and all the other things we do together. I really like spending alone time with you too like when we go kayaking for the day. I hope you have a great day. I love you so much!

I know Tayden can't talk yet, but I am sure he would tell you he loves you too and he would really thank you for keeping his "Thomas the Train" movies playing at all times of the day and night.

And, even though Tristan is not here I know he loved you so much and that he could see the love in your eyes and feel it when you talked to him and held him.

We love you,
Your 3 sons - Tanner, Tayden & Tristan



Psalm 128:1-6:

1 Blessed are all who fear the Lord,
who walk in his ways.

2 You will eat the fruit of your labor;
blessings and prosperity will be yours.

3 Your wife will be like a fruitful vine
within your house;
your sons will be like olive shoots
around your table.

4 Thus is the man blessed
who fears the Lord.

5 May the Lord bless you from Zion
all the days of your life;
may you see the prosperity of Jerusalem,

6 and may you live to see your children's children.

Peace be upon Israel!

6 months ago at 12:42

As I sit here writing this post it is 12:42 pm on June 3rd, exactly 6 months ago today my precious little boy, Tristan Asher Hostetter, was born. Trayc immediately placed his sweet little face against mine so that I could feel him, kiss him and tell him how much I loved him. This was the most incredible moment of my life, my little boy was here and he was ALIVE!!!! He even started crying, which is a sound I will never forget. Knowing the diagnosis of Trisomy 18, we were very unsure as to how long we would have with him, we literally lived in the moment. I am so thankful the Lord gave us time, 56 DAYS is more than we ever dreamed was possible.

It is hard to believe it's already been 6 months since that day. My mind has wandered alittle, thinking of all that Tristan would have been doing at 6 months old. It is in those moments that I have to make myself stop or I will be caught up in the "what if's" and that can become a very sad place to dwell. I try to turn those "what if's" into what we had - WE HAD 56 DAYS and we made so many memories in those 56 DAYS. We gave all we had to our precious little boy and held nothing back!

I have not really posted much recently, except for Tristan's award, Tanner's musical and a special prayer request for another T-18 family, but nothing real personal because ......... honestly, because I have struggled. I have really struggled since Mother's Day and I just didn't know what to write. Mother's Day really hit me harder than I expected because I was really good up until then. I felt like I was in the valley, I could see the mountain top but I just didn't seem to have enough strength to get out. Don't get me wrong, I have not been in the bed depressed nor have I withdrawn from life. It's a different kind of struggle, it's a quiet struggle within my heart as I am really missing my little boy and longing to hold him again. We are a very active family, constantly on the go and the only time we've ever truly slowed down was the 2 months Tristan was here. We're either doing home school, at soccer, at piano, at church, at church activities or family events and even if I wanted to stay in bed I can't - I have a 2 year old, which should explain itself. But now as the activities have finished until August, it has allowed for some down time which is not always good for the mind of a grieving mommy. So again, Tristan has become forefront in my mind. I want to be that same carefree, fun, loving, happy, on-the-go kind of girl but it seems so distant. Right now I am guarded. My heart is guarded. I am afraid of getting hurt, from anything or anyone, so I have withdrawn and quietly struggled. It's not just Tristan though, I've also recently found out about an extended family member that has received a diagnosis which is almost too hard for me to even bear therefore my emotions are a wreck, this is alot to comprehend just 4 1/2 months after losing Tristan. I've been better this past week though, I am on my way out of the valley and I can see the sun shining again!

I have been hesitant to share that I have been struggling because there is the pride part of me that wants everyone to think I'm still doing great and that I am strong. But, the more I have thought about it the more I realize I wouldn't be honest if I came across like that. I want my entries to be real, to portray the real me, the real pain, the real struggles of this journey. Why? Because whether tomorrow or 5 years from now, if a new mommy finds my blog I do not want her to feel like she is alone in grieving, I want her to know it's okay to struggle on the journey and that there are other mommies out there feeling the same way and those mommies are just an email away.

There are times I have felt so alone with these thoughts and feelings but then I go to the computer and check on my "Internet" friends and realize I am not, they are feeling the same way. I am so thankful for these friendships, little did I realize back in October when I met my first friend, Angie, how much I would need her and all the other girls who have come along. Although I did not post, I did email my sweet "Internet" friends weeks ago telling them of my struggle and asked that they pray for me. I greatly appreciate their emails, their love and their prayers for me the past few weeks. This is what true friendship is, this is what makes this journey easier.

The Internet has also become such a reality to all that is going on with other families around the world. My heart breaks every time I read of another family experiencing the loss of a baby/child. A part of me thinks that I should just stop reading about all these families but then I realize that had my friends felt the same way many months ago they would not have reached out to me, and I cannot imagine how I would feel without them in my life. I feel as though the Lord has given us Tristan's story to help others and I want to use that, not walk away because it would be the easy thing to do. I, along with many of my "Internet" friends, have been affected along this journey by friends who have walked away because they did not want to get involved or they did not know how to deal with the death of a baby, unfortunately life and death, no matter how long or how short, are a reality and what we need are our friends to be there! I never want to be the friend who walks away, I want to be the one who is there all the way to the end! The reward of being there every step of the way is seeing how the Lord turns your tragedy/loss into something beautiful. I have already seen this happen with my sweet "Internet" friend, Angie, 6 months from the day she lost Poppy Joy she was holding another precious little girl, Adrienne Christine, oh what a miracle! And there are so many other things that are happening among me and my "Internet" friends that have yet to be shared.

Even though I have struggled the past few weeks, I have such a peace about the life of our precious little boy. Although I do not understand why the Lord chose this for our family I am so thankful He entrusted us with Tristan knowing we would love him with all that we have and that we would never question why or turn from our Lord. We love our Lord more than ever before and we know He is in control. This has been a hard journey, but we would do it all over again even if it was for a brief moment like the picture above.

I would ask that you please pray for our family as we continue to move through the grieving process, as we are still working on the foundation and as we are making some very exciting plans for the future......check back soon to find out what they are.

This is the slideshow we showed at Tristan's "Celebration of Life" service on January 30, 2008. I am sure many of you have already seen it, but I know there are some who have come along our journey since then, so I thought I'd repost it. Today was the first time I have actually watched it since the service. These are 112 pictures of the 1600 we took that shows God's faithfulness to our family.






Isaiah 65:20 says: "Never again will there be in it an infant who lives but a few days, or an old man who does not live out his years; he who dies at a hundred will be thought a mere youth; he who fails to reach a hundred will be considered accursed."

Special prayer request: The Webb family

As I have mentioned before, when Trayc and I first started out on this Trisomy 18 road in August we felt so alone because we did not know anything about T-18 nor did we know anyone going through this. Since that time the Lord has brought so many sweet Christian girls into my life, via the Internet. A few months ago I met a girl named Ashley, who is pregnant with a precious little girl named Faith Ann, who was also diagnosed with Trisomy 18. I would ask that you please join me in prayer for Ashley, her husband Adam, and their two daughters Brooke and Hannah as they go to the hospital today. Please specifically pray that Faith Ann will be born alive, that her heart rate will remain strong, that she will not be in distress and that Ashley and her family will be able to share some very precious moments with Faith Ann.

******UPDATE*******

Faith Ann was born at 12:12 pm. She weighed 4 lb. 10 oz and is 18 inches long. She is alive and bright-eyed. Please pray for this family as they enjoy precious time with their new little girl.

******UPDATE*******

Faith Ann passed away at 5:32 pm, she is now in the arms of Jesus!!!!! Oh my heart just breaks for this family this evening as I know what they are feeling. Please continue to pray for the Webb family in the days and weeks again. For further information please check their blog "Faith Ann Webb" (their link is located under our family picture: Trisomy 18: Journeys of Love)


James 5:16 says: "Confess your faults to one another and pray for one another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man (friend) availeth much."

Lazarus, come out!

We have an awesome church and an incredible children's program. Every year, approximately 400, 2nd-5th graders, perform in the Christmas and Summer musical. Tanner tried out and received a main part in 2nd, 3rd and 4th grade. However, he was not able to try out in September for the Christmas musical because the performance was on December 2nd (Tristan's birthday was the next day). Tanner knew he would have to wait until the Summer musical to try out, this is one of the many things he willingly, and with a sweet spirit, gave up for Tristan.

Tryouts for the Summer musical were in March. Tanner has constantly said he REALLY hoped he got a main part, especially because this was his last year - yes, Middle School in August!!!!! I tried to sweetly remind him day-after-day that he may not get a main part and that it would be okay if he didn't. He anxiously awaited for the parts to be passed out and even counted down the days on his calendar.

After church, on March 26th, Tanner ran up and said, "Guess what, I got a part, I'm Lazarus" I said, "That's great Tanner. Is that a main part?" He said, "No, it's the boy's dance routine but it's okay, the song is Lazarus, Come out!, look what the part is, isn't that neat? I'm going to dedicate my part to Tristan!" The scene surrounding his dance routine is from John 11 (Tristan's verse is John 11:4).

The name of the musical was Simon Says - The Rockin' Trial of Simon Peter. The musical began with Simon Peter in the courtroom charged with fraud for preaching that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God and Messiah. He must prove what he says is true or stop preaching. Then, we heard eyewitness testimonies from people who knew Jesus because they were there(Mary, Martha, Samaratian Woman, James and John), and they gave evidence that Jesus is exactly who "Simon Says".


Every musical the kids are given a Devo book, which contains a devotion for each week leading up to the musical. Each devotion title is the name of a song from the musical, once the devotion page is completed the parent's sign their name at the bottom. I was reading over Tanner's answers and wanted to share a portion of what he wrote under Week 1, Day 4: "We're Gonna Prove It!" (his answers are in bold):

Did the men in the Sanhedrin know what Peter and John said was true? Yes. In Acts 4:16-20, what did they order them not to do? Speak or teach at all in His name. How did Peter and John reply? "For we cannot help speaking about what we have seen and heard." They were eyewitness - they saw and heard what Jesus did. It made such a big impact on them, they had to share it! Can you give a testimony about Jesus because you have actually experienced His life changing love? Yes. The testimony in a trial that has the most impact is from someone who experienced it. The same is true for spiritual matters. When God has done something real in your life and you share it, it makes a difference to the people you share it with. Write one thing God has done for you. God gave "56" days to my baby brother Tristan, who the doctors said would not live, they were wrong.

I was wiping tears away as I read the precious words of our 12 yr old - he gets it! He is not angry, he is not bitter, he does not question why, he just loves Jesus enough to trust and believe in His perfect plan! We are so excited Tanner got a part, but more importantly that he loves Jesus, he loves his church and that he loves his little brother, Tristan, so much that he dedicated his part to him.

Tanner (aka Lazarus),
You were great tonight! We are so proud of you - for doing your best, for loving Jesus with all your heart and for loving your brother so much that you dedicated your part to him.
We love you, Mom, Dad & Tayden


John 11:4 says: This sickness is not unto death but for the glory of God, that the Son of God might be glorified thereby."

Tristan's award

This is Natalie Emmons, a 17 year old Christian girl from Oregon. On January 29th, just 2 days after Tristan passed away, we received an email from her stating that she found our blog through another Trisomy 18 blog. She had been following Tristan's story and said that our family's testimony had touched her life and that Tristan's life was a miracle as he was in God's perfect plan. Natalie went on to explain that she was writing a speech for the National Right to Life Oratory Contest and was focusing on why abortion was wrong. She wanted to use Tristan's life as an example as to why abortion isn't an option, even if the doctors believe it would save heartache in the end.

Trayc and I talked about it, we prayed about it and then we responded a few days later. We told Natalie that, even in the midst of our present loss and grief, we would feel honored that she use our little boy's life and name to explain why abortion is wrong. Natalie wrote her speech and forwarded it to us for approval - it was incredible!

We received an email in February stating that her essay received 1st place in her local county contest and that she would be promoted to the state contest. We received an email in April stating that her essay received 1st place in the Oregon State contest which promoted her to the National Right to Life contest to be held on July 5th in Arlington, VA.

We are thankful for young people, like Natalie, who believe in life regardless of the diagnosis and we feel so honored that she chose our little boy's 56 DAYS to be used as an example.

Congratulations Natalie, we are so proud of you!

***Natalie and her 3 sisters have a Bluegrass Gospel band, check out their website at www.TheEmmonsSisters.com

Mother's Day

Today is my 12th "Mother's Day" as Tanner's mommy, my 3rd "Mother's Day" as Tayden's mommy,


and today would have been my 1st "Mother's day" as Tristan's mommy. Even though he is not here, I will ALWAYS be his mommy.


I'll be honest, I really did not expect this weekend to be as hard as it has been. Trayc was off work on Friday so we were able to spend 3 days together as a family. We were all really excited and had lots of things planned. Friday was great and Saturday started out that way. We went to Tanner's soccer game and then spent the afternoon shopping - this is where it all changed. As we pulled into the same parking lot and walked through the same store, where we had our Santa pictures taken with Tristan, I was doing my best to fight back the tears as we went to several stores. I was ready to get back in the car and get to the next mall just because of all the memories I was recalling, having just been there 4 1/2 months ago. We went to another mall and it only got worse. I think everyone who could have possibly had a "new" baby was out! They were everywhere - in strollers, in carriers, in body slings, happy mommies with new babies! I can handle anything BUT the newborn cry, that's just too much! We were in one store and a baby started crying. Tanner looked at me and said, "Do you hear that baby?" How could I not, it was one of those new baby cries, so I just squeezed his hand and said, "It's okay honey" and smiled. Then he said, "That makes me think of Tristan" and he looked so sad. I said, "You know what, let's get out of here", he looked up at me and smiled. I was secretly holding it together ALL DAY (for Tanner's sake), and did so until we sat down at Ruby Tuesday's to eat dinner. We were talking about what we were going to eat and then all of a sudden - a newborn baby cries out. I literally swallowed, looked away and then held the menu up in front of my face. The baby kept crying and Trayc said "Are you okay?" As I slowly pulled the menu down I said, "I'm fine" Obviously I wasn't, tears were flowing so fast. He said, "Let's go!" I said, "No, I'm fine", He said, "You're not and I'm not, I can't do this either!" So we got up and Trayc quietly told the hostess at the front that we needed to leave. I was so embarrassed but at the same time I had to get out of there, I did not feel like I could even breathe as we sat there hearing that baby cry. We left the restaurant, got in the car and went to the drive-thru at Chick-Fil-A. All the way home from the mall I kept debating back and forth, with myself, as to whether I should even attempt to make it to church this morning but I knew I needed to.

This morning was emotional again! I laid in bed, while Trayc took a shower, and just cried! I so much wanted to walk into a nursery painted with soft blue walls, reach down and pick up my precious little boy out of the same Cherry crib that once held Tanner and Tayden. Tristan would have be 5 months old as we celebrated our 1st Mother's Day together, today. It was even harder only dressing 2 boys in matching outfits instead of 3 and opening 2 cards and gifts instead of 3. We didn't make it to Sunday School but we did make it to church. This weekend was hard but it was soooo comforting to stand beside Tanner, at church, with my arm around him singing and worshiping the Lord. Having children has not come easy for us, so I have never take my boys for granted but today I was especially thankful for Tanner and Tayden. After church we went to lunch and then back home so the boys could give me their cards and presents. We love to celebrate holidays and events and although the past few days have been hard, today was no exception in their little minds, they had been waiting all week just for today!

Grieving is strange sometimes. I had just mentioned to Trayc, the other night, that I was concerned that maybe I am in denial because I'm really doing better than I thought I would only 3 1/2 months after losing Tristan - we're moving forward in our family life, we are starting the foundation, we are helping other couples and the tears don't seem to come anymore. Well, if I ever questioned it before, I don't now - I AM NOT in denial about losing our little boy! I am still grieving, but I just have such a peace about our time with Tristan that I been fortunate enough to have experienced a lot of really good days, even though this was not one of them. I don't ever spend my days looking back because we were so blessed, we were given 56 DAYS, but on days like today it brings a lot of "what if's" or "what would've been" to mind which makes me really miss my little boy!

This past month I have read several articles on the Internet and in magazines that say Mother's Day is a very hard day for moms who have lost babies, I can certainly relate this year. Here is a quote from the Trisomy 18 Foundation:

A web-based survey asking grieving mothers, "What can others say, do or give that would bring you comfort on Mother's Day?". Over 80 percent of the nearly 100 respondents answered, "Recognize that I am a mother" to the question. In addition, nearly every mother surveyed wanted their loss to be remembered with a card, a phone call, a gift or a hug. Over half of the mothers surveyed considered Mother's Day to be their most difficult holiday.

I think, too often, family and friends believe that if you have other children it fills the void of your precious baby not being here - it does not!!!! Yes, it does help to have other children to love and celebrate with, but it in no way takes away the pain/loss you feel. If you know someone that has lost a baby, please let them know you are thinking about them and their precious baby today. How sweet it would be to be remembered on this day!

Thank you so much to everyone who has already emailed, commented or texted me today - it means so much on this very difficult day!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to
Angie, Kenzie, Kim, Emily, Kristy and Chrissy

Proverbs 31:28-31

28 Her children rise up and call her blessed;
Her husband also, and he praises her;

29 Many daughters have done well,
But you excel them all.

30 Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain,
But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.

31 Give her of the fruit of her hands,
And let her own works praise here in the gates.

Gift for me?

Going to the mailbox is not the same as it used to be. For months we have been abundantly blessed by the amount of "Congratulations", "Thinking of You" or "Sympathy" cards received on behalf of our little boy. However, now that Tristan has been gone for almost 4 months, the cards have slowly stopped and now our box is filled with the normal stuff like bills, junk mail, letters with Tristan's name on the front from doctor's offices, lab companies and insurance companies and the worst of all, the letter from the funeral home that contained Tristan's death certificate (this was the hard one!). Obviously this is going to happen over time, people go on with their lives as they are supposed to, but as grieving mommies we tend to feel forgotten after having been showered with so much love and encouragement - as I have read from so many girls on their own blogs.

But last week, oh last week was different. Trayc walked in the door with several cards and an envelope, one of those that had bubbles inside, which meant it was more than just a card. It was something special - a gift for me? Maybe, just maybe someone hasn't forgotten that I am here, that I am a mommy who is still grieving the loss of her little boy and that although I smile and laugh, there are days that can be harder than others and that is when I need to be lifted up, and this was certainly one of those days! I was right, it was for me and I was so excited. As I quickly opened the envelope and reached inside I pulled out a soft little green bag. Inside the bag was a handwritten note from Kenzie along with this beautiful silver bracelet that has Jeremiah 29:11 etched around it: "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I literally had tears streaming down my face. This is so special to me. Not only is it from one of my best friends but this verse has also become our family verse as we continue to move forward after the loss of our precious little boy.

Thank you so much Kenzie, you made my day! Every time I wear it I will think of you, of our sweet friendship and this journey we have traveled together. I love you sweet friend!

200,000

Last night at 9:30 pm our blog received the 200,000th hit.

Last Fall, after much prayer, we took my personal journal and created this blog. What started out as a way to simply keep our family and church friends updated on our pregnancy, after receiving a Trisomy 18 diagnosis, turned into much more than we ever imagined. We are absolutely amazed and humbled at how the Lord has used the precious life of our little boy to touch the lives of thousands of people around the world.

This blog is about the life and miracles that our Heavenly Father bestowed upon our family from the moment our little boy was conceived in March 2007 through all 56 DAYS of his life. The blog has been a way for Trayc and I to share our thoughts, our fears, our hopes and our dreams. In return, it became one of our greatest sources of strength and encouragement as you, the blogging world, have reached out to us through comments and emails. This blog also allowed me to form many friendships, 4 of which have become my very best friends, that have carried me through some of the hardest days of my life. How does all of this happen over the Internet? Simply, the Lord. He knew we would need this kind of support while on this Trisomy 18 road, therefore He went before us and prepared our way so that every step would be filled with love, support, encouragement and newfound friendships. Now, we want to use our blog (and foundation, when finished) as a way to reach other couples that are or will be traveling the same Trisomy 18 road and give them the same kind of support we have received.

Thank you to each person that has been a part of our story, whether you were the 1st or the 200,000th hit - we are truly humbled. We hope that our blog has reflected the love we have for each other, the love and trust we have in the Lord and that our little boy's 56 DAYS of life gives hope and encouragement to those who have received a Trisomy 18 diagnosis. Our little boy, Tristan Asher Hostetter, has forever changed us.


Psalms 40:1-5

1 I waited patiently for the Lord;
And He inclined to me,
And heard my cry.

2 He also brought me up out
of a horrible pit,
Out of the miry clay,
And set my feet upon a rock,
And established my steps.

3 He has put a new song in
my mouth -
Praise to our God;
Many will see it and fear,
And will trust in the Lord.

4 Blessed is that man who
makes the Lord his trust,
And does not respect the
proud, nor such as turn
aside to lies.

5 Many, O Lord my God, are
Your wonderful works
Which You have done;
And Your thoughts which
are toward us
Cannot be recounted to
You in order;
If I would declare and
speak of them,
They are more than can be
numbered.

God is there: In the storms of life

This is the fifth Sunday our pastor preached in his series entitled "Shipwrecked: What do you do when life's toughest storms threaten to destroy you?" This morning his sermon was in Acts 28:11-15 and this evening he continued with verses 16-23. The messages over the last 5 weeks have been so incredible, they have truly motivated Trayc and I each week as we attempt to move through this storm in our lives and minister to others.

Paul's storms were not your ordinary problems, he suffered through real problems. He had been arrested and thrown in prison, he had been snake bitten and shipwrecked. The Apostle Paul had been in the storm and was casted away for 3 months. If someone would have asked Paul "Where is your God now?" do you know what he would have said? Paul would've said "He's right here next to me". Paul knew through the storms of life that God would show his presence, that He had a plan and that He had a purpose. In Acts 27:23 Paul said "For there stood by me this night an angel of the God to whom I belong and who I serve". Why did he say that? Because he knew God was present, he was right beside him. Paul also knew God had a plan because his heart and life belonged to Him. Why did God allow these unusual storms to come Paul's way? Because He had a plan, he wanted to use Paul to reach others through the storms of his own life and to use it for ministry. And although Paul did not know, nor do we, what the purpose is, we can trust that because the Lord has allowed the storm, He will be right there beside us carrying us through.

Dr. Brunson was saying that like Paul, we need to reach out and minister to others. He was saying that with a church our size, there are so many opportunities to reach out so we should find a place and minister. So many times we as Christians have the tendency to just sit back and let everyone else do the ministering and yet we are the first to get jealous when we are not asked to be used. Our pastor responded by saying that specific people are being used because they want to be used, they want to minister, they are not just sitting on the couch whining about not being used! He said we have to make a step toward ministry instead of waiting for someone to ask us and that we need to do this even in the midst of our own storms.

Each week these messages give us a desire to be more like the Apostle Paul. It's like the pastor was saying, these were no ordinary storms, these were serious! I am sure Paul must have been frightened, scared, discouraged and stressed out at times but regardless of the storm he thanked God and took courage. We felt the presence of God in our pregnancy - it was very real and we know God had a plan and purpose for our little boy's life. Although we do not know the plan or the purpose right now, we cannot just sit back, we cannot just be quiet. We must thank the Lord, we must take courage, we must step out and we must minister because we KNOW THAT WE ARE BEING CALLED to minister to other hurting families even in the midst of our storm. So, how could we walk away from the calling of the Lord? We cannot. We have had several people ask if we felt like we could reach out to others this soon after our loss, afraid that we have not grieved long enough. I often think to myself, is there really a timeline for grief? I really don't think so. Some days are great and some days are simply filled with sadness but we cannot wait until the pain and grief of our storm is gone. Honestly it's never going to be gone, not this side of Heaven. But oh the moment we step over into glory and see not only the face of our Savior, but the precious face of our little boy that I held for 56 DAYS, then and only then will the true pain and grief we are feeling be gone! (I am sure there are lots of sweet mommies agreeing with me here!) So until then, we can either choose to quietly live day-by-day remembering our little boy or we can step up, reach out and minister to other hurting families through our little boy's story. WE CHOOSE TO MINISTER!

I would ask that you please pray for our family as we continue to heal from our loss and I would ask that you please pray for Trayc and I as we are being led to several local families that have either just delivered a Trisomy 18 baby or who are pregnant. Pray that the Lord will give us an incredible amount of strength to help these families with the right words of encouragement. We cannot take their pain away but we can be an emotional support for them, we can listen, we can tell our story and we can give them ways to make the most of their time by "living in the moment".

Acts 28:15 says: "And from there, when the brethren heard about us, they came to meet us as far as Appii Forum and Three Inns. When Paul saw them, he thanked God and took courage."

Philippians 1:12-13 says: "But I want you to know, brethren, that the things which happened to me have actually turned out for the furtherance of the gospel, so that it has become evident to all the rest, that my chains are in Christ;"

Peace: In the storms of life

Today is not only a Sunday but it is also the 27th. Sundays are always hard as it is a reminder each week that this is the day Tristan passed away and the 27th, well Sunday, January 27th is a day that will forever be etched in my mind. It's hard to believe that our precious little boy passed away 3 months ago. After Tristan passed away, we sat on the couch and I held him up against my chest for 6 hours. I tried to memorize every one of his little features, his touch, his smell and the feel of his little face against mine. Every part of my heart cries out for my little boy and I am longing for all of those moments again!!!! I just simply long to be "Tristan's mommy". I know there will always be a part of me that grieves for my little boy, one that is empty and one that no one can fill, however I am so grateful for Tanner and Tayden. They have truly been a healing for me. Although they will never replace Tristan, they are what gets me up every day to LIVE LIFE and they definitely keep me laughing, having fun and making memories which is great because there are days like today that I could have easily stayed home from church, pulled the covers up over my head and drowned in my sorrow as I thought about this day, exactly 3 months ago.

The days are so busy with finishing up the last few weeks of home school (even with Tanner not doing school Dec/Jan we're going to finish in record time!), soccer, piano, church activities and family functions - it's all back to normal. And the nights, which I have struggled with since the night Tristan passed away, they are 100% better. As we sat at the dinner table the other night with only one light on and just a quiet family conversation, I thought of how drastically I tried to fill the silence and void of Tristan's presence over the last 3 months and yet now have made our way back to the normal. I no longer sleep with the light on, I no longer cry myself to sleep, I no longer make Trayc wait until the sun comes up to go to work, I no longer insist on the TV being on during dinner - just so there's a lot of noise, I no longer keep every light on in the house so that when we return home it is bright and I no longer cry as we pass the hospital on Sundays. The darkness and quietness of our house was by far the hardest to overcome and at times I honestly did not know if I would ever feel the same way about our house. In fact, numerous times I told Trayc that we might have to move because I just didn't think I could live in the house with all of the memories of Tristan just constantly hitting me all day, every day. Obviously we cannot move, we moved into this new house a mere 7 months ago, but emotionally that is how I was feeling. I have come to see how this thing called "grieving" can be so different for everyone and it can be on so many different levels. But now, as time has slowly passed by, the pain of his absence has lessened a little which has allowed be to now be SO thankful for the memories we made with Tristan here in our home, every room was touched by his physical presence so now I want pictures everywhere I look. The refrigerator, the picture frames, the car dashboard, the dresser mirror, my Daytimer and we have just about finished the Tristan Asher wall, pictures of that will be coming soon! I am so grateful for the days we shared with Tristan. I have never taken for granted that the Lord blessed us with so much more than we ever prayed for. I still spend so much of my prayer time just thanking the Lord over and over for the 56 DAYS He blessed us with. Those days we were given will be used to encourage other girls along this Trisomy 18 road.

Even though Sundays are hard, it does help that we go to church in the morning and at night. It's great to worship in the house of the Lord being surrounded by our family and friends. This is the fourth Sunday our pastor preached in his series entitled "Shipwrecked: What do you do when life's toughest storms threaten to destroy you?" Today he continued in Acts 28 with verses 1-9. I just love these messages, they are exactly what we need right now because they are such an encouragement during this storm in our life. Dr. Brunson reminded us that everyone goes through storms regardless of who they are, no one is exempt because we live in a fallen world. The Apostle Paul was in a storm for 2 weeks. Paul faced the storm with peace, a peace that only comes from the Lord. Our pastor was saying as Christians we can act in faith in three ways: 1) Our lives should reflect an inner peace rather than one of turmoil, 2) Our lives should exhibit a consistent witness rather than that of constant confusion and 3) Our lives should express a heart for ministry rather than an apathetic resignation.

We can reflect that inner peace because of WHO our Father is. He is the one who gives a peace that is not of this world. If we do not have this peace then we have the tendency to focus on the storm which causes us to display the chaos around us therefore others will keep their distance because they do not need any additional stress which in turn causes us to become ineffective in ministry and certainly unable the encourage others. We need to use the storm we are in as a platform to rescue the lives of others instead of sitting back expecting others to rescue and comfort us.

Trayc and I have attended the same church our entire lives. Our church is considered one of those "mega-Baptist churches", therefore we not only have a large congregation but we also have many incredible ministries and forms of outreach. As most long time church members do, we got used to going to church 3x's a week and just sitting, sitting and expecting to be ministered to instead of stepping up and being the ones who actually minister. We were a part of the choir for 18 years but other than that we have never mentally and physically reached out to help someone in need. Our precious little boy changed us! The 56 DAYS we shared with him had a huge impact on us individually and it gave us a desire to reach out and minister to others. Without us even being aware we have been recalibrated, compelled to reach out to other families that have and will suffer the same heartache of losing a child. We want others to know we are here - we are here to walk this road with them every day. The Lord is using Tristan's story in some of the most incredible ways and we are so grateful! We did not chose this storm but we feel so honored that the Lord trusted us to be Tristan's parents knowing we would honor and glorify His name and that we would reach out to others in the midst of the most difficult storm of our lives.

We ask that you please continue to pray for us as we heal as a family, some moments like today are harder than others. Pray for us to patiently wait for the Lord to open the right doors regarding "The Tristan Asher Foundation" and the development of the website. Pray that we will have the right words to comfort and encourage the hurting families that the Lord will place in front of us through Tristan's life.


John 14:27 says: "Peace I give you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

Philipians 4:7 says: "And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

Encouraging others: In the storms of life

This is the third Sunday our pastor preached in his series entitled "Shipwrecked: What do you do when life's toughest storms threaten to destroy you?" And, as I have mentioned the last few weeks, all of these messages apply to where we are in our lives. Today he continued in Acts 27 with verses 27-44. The Apostle Paul was caught up in this particular storm for 2 weeks. His boat kept being pulled around and around and around, he could not get out of the cycle of the storm. Paul did not create the storm he was caught up in nor did he fear the storm because he was a man of faith NOT fear. Our pastor was saying that everyone has storms in life - you're either in one now, you're heading out of one or you're headed into one! So, he asked "What happens to your faith when you're in a storm and your life is on the rocks?". That certainly is a powerful question to ask because you truly find out what your faith is when you're in a storm don't you? So many people try to run away from their problems therefore we are creating a generation of children who run away instead of facing them with faith believing that God holds everything in His hand. Our pastor was also saying that the storms of life can also cause us fear which in turn causes us to become focused on the negative instead of the positive, what we need to do when we're in a storm of our own is encourage others. We should encourage others with a positive word and lead by our example. Wow, can you imagine how great it would be if we encouraged others while we were in the midst of a storm? Paul decided that he was going to encourage others even in the midst of his own storm and by doing so the people on the boat were encouraged!

We have been encouraged by so many people, locally and Internet, since August. This journey started out full of emotions and scared about the uncertainty that lied ahead. But oh, that didn't last long. As I've said before, what was simply a blog to inform our family and friends of our journey quickly became the greatest (daily) source of encouragement. Little did we know all of the love, the support and the encouragement we would receive during the most difficult months of our lives. And, as I received encouragement from other moms facing the same storm I became stronger and was able to return the same encouragement to them and then I just kept reaching out to more and more girls to encourage them. These same moms, who walked this journey together, are still encouraging each other day-after-day as we face the very difficult days of grieving. Trayc and I desire to be like Paul and encourage others while we are in this storm of life. I am trying to do this by emailing all of my Internet friends who are grieving, Trayc and I are creating "The Tristan Asher Foundation" which will be an online support center to reach out to other families who have received a Trisomy 18 diagnosis and give them hope and encouragement and we have told our pastor and other staff members that we would like to help encourage and support other families, that come into our church, who receive a Trisomy 18 diagnosis or any other kind of genetic disorder. Our pastor already gave our name to one girl in our church and I was able to talk to her about our baby and hopefully was an encouragement to her.

I was thinking about the first Trisomy 18 family I found on the Internet, The Mooneys (I did a post on Sept 4th). They created a very touching video called "99 Balloons" (which can be seen by clicking on their link under our family picture). As most of you know, it is the story of Eliot Mooney. Until I found Eliot's video I just thought of our little boy as dying and never thought about the possibility of him living, as doctors give you NO hope of them even being born alive per statistics. And yet, here was this precious little boy, Eliot, who amazed everyone and lived 99 DAYS. To us that seemed like a long time. We watched as his parents celebrated every day of his life to the fullest and with great excitement. I was so encouraged and wanted to be like that! It gave me hope that our precious little boy could live that long too - Tristan didn't make it to 99 but he certainly made it to 56 DAYS. I know Eliot's story has touch thousands of lives around the world and brought hope and encouragement to many girls who were given a Trisomy 18 diagnosis. Can you imagine had Eliot's parents not lived his life to the fullest? If they had not videoed his life every day for 99 DAYS? If they had not shared his story, via the Internet, with the world? I am so glad they ministered/encouraged others, through their blog/video, in the midst of their storm.

Who can you encourage this week? Is there a mommy who is pregnant with a baby that has a genetic disorder that needs a word of encouragement left on her blog? Is there a mommy who is fortunately still counting the days their precious little baby is alive that needs a word of encouragement left on her blog? Is there a mommy who is approaching "the date" their baby was born or passed away that could use a word of encouragement left on their blog? Is there an email you could send to a friend that is going through a storm in their life? Is there a meal you could take to a family in need? Is there someone that could use a hug today? Or is there someone you could pray for today followed up by a card letting them know you were thinking of them? Try to think of something you could do to help encourage someone this week because one day you, too, will be in the midst of a storm and the encouragement will be returned tenfold.

We greatly appreciate every person who took the time to encourage us these past few months. Our encouragement was felt through comments on our blog, cards, emails, phone calls, meals and just the simple hug.

We ask that you continue to pray for our family this week as we approach the 3 month mark of Tristan passing away. We would specifically ask that you pray for us next Sunday as it is not only a Sunday, which is extremely hard, but it is also the 27th therefore it is a reminder that our little boy is no longer here. Although we are doing good, we still miss our little boy so much.


Acts 27:33-36 says: "And as day was about to dawn, Paul imploded(urged) them all to take food saying, Today is the fourteenth day you have waited and continued without food, and eaten nothing. Therefore I urge you to take nourishment, for this is for your survival, since not a hair will fall from the head of any of you. And when he had said these things, he took bread and gave thanks to God in the presence of them all; and when he had broken it he began to eat. Then they were all encouraged, and also took food themselves."

Ministering to others: In the storms of life

This is the second Sunday our pastor preached in his series entitled "Shipwrecked: What do you do when life's toughest storms threaten to destroy you?" As I mentioned last Sunday, all of the messages seem to apply to where we are in our lives. Today he continued in Acts 27 with verses 9-15 this morning and verses 16-25 this evening. The Apostle Paul did not create the storm he was caught in but what he did do was use the storm in his life to minister to others. Our pastor was saying that so many people run from God, run from the church and run from God's people when they are in the midst of a storm. When what we should be doing is running to God, to the church and to God's people where we can be ministered to. He was also saying that God does not waste any experience He allows us to go through. We are to take our storms and use them to minister to others. Have you been through a storm in life and used it to help others? If not, I urge you to think about how you could reach out and help someone today. There are so many hurting people all around us but we have to be willing to reach out.

The day we found out about the Trisomy 18 diagnosis we turned to the Internet to find resources and support because of the rareness of this disorder. What we found on the other end was a sweet Christian girl, in Memphis Tennessee, going through the same storm. She could have turned away, she could have ignored my email, she could have simply responded by saying she'd pray for me and that be it. Thankfully she did not. What she did was return my email immediately, pray for me daily and email me daily. She encouraged me, she loved me, she supported me all at the same time she was in the midst of her own Trisomy 18 storm. Because she reached out a sweet friendship was formed and we were able to travel the storm together, all the way to the end. And although the storm might be over, the journey is not. Now, we are traveling a journey together by encouraging each other, praying for each other and watching the Lord use our precious babies to reach others. That is truly what ministering is all about. (Thank you sweet Angie!)

Because the Internet has been such a great source of support and encouragement through this storm, as I continued to develop many new friendships (Kenzie, Kim, Emily, Kristy & Chrissy), our desire since August has been to use our storm to minister to others through the Internet. As mentioned a few months ago, we have earnestly prayed for months and feel the Lord calling us to create a foundation on behalf of our precious little boy, Tristan. The foundation will be called "The Tristan Asher Foundation". It's main purpose will be an online support center for girls to come to when they are awaiting possible Trisomy 18 results or if they have received a Trisomy 18 diagnosis and we walk this road with them. We want to reach out to couples locally and around the world. We want to use the 56 days the Lord blessed our family with to bring hope, encouragement and support to girls who receive NO HOPE when given a diagnosis of Trisomy 18 as it is labeled by doctors as "incompatible with life".

We have just about finished the foundation paperwork and are currently working with a designer regarding the website and logo. The foundation is slowly coming together and we have set a goal for July 1st and are hoping to meet that deadline. In the meantime, if you are reading this blog and know of a family who has received a Trisomy 18 diagnosis or is currently caring for a new Trisomy 18 baby and needs emotional support, please give them our blog address and let them know they can contact us directly through our blog until our foundation website is set-up.

We would also ask that you please pray for us daily as we are establishing this foundation. It is our ministry that was developed through the greatest storm of our life and yet it was the sweetest of all - 56 days with our little boy, Tristan Asher Hostetter!

Sisters in Christ: In the storms of life

This morning our pastor began a new series, for the month of April, entitled "Shipwrecked: What do you do when life's toughest storms threaten to destroy you?" Did I not just mention a few weeks back that all of our pastors messages seem to apply to where we are in our lives? His message came from Acts 27:1-8. If anyone in the Bible knows the storms of life it was the Apostle Paul. He did not just have a storm for the day, he endured storm after storm for 2 years. Anybody feel like this????

There have been times in our 17 1/2 years of marriage that we, too, have felt as though the storms of life never seemed to end, they just came one after another! Whether the storm came in the way of Trayc's numerous job losses due to company layoffs, lack of finances, debt, years of infertility, marital troubles, shattered long-term friendships, vehicle problems, etc. they just seem to have come our way. But the Lord never says there won't be storms does He? What He does promise is that He will carry us every step of the way. The last 6 years have been different though. I guess you could say we feel like we have been on a new course with few storms - Trayc has had a secure job working side-by-side with his brother for 12 years, no more debt, no marital troubles, a new home, new friendships, pregnant with Tayden and Tristan without invitro and hopefully a new truck in the next few months.

But doesn't it seem like just when life is good that the storms of life hit again? It did for us. This time the storm came in the form of a Trisomy 18 diagnosis of our precious little boy, Tristan. We were certainly not expecting that kind of storm, especially one that we did not self-inflict like many of our other storms. This was, by far, the hardest storm we've ever endured. How do you go through a pregnancy knowing you won't have much time with your baby? How to you go on feeling like all of your hopes and dreams for your precious little boy have been shattered? How can you be excited about your big belly? How do you get excited about buying maternity clothes? How do you not buy baby clothes and diapers? How do you not prepare a nursery? How do you plan for the birth and funeral all in the same week? Only by the grace of God, let me assure you. I would NEVER have believed we could face the storm that was before us in August. And yet we did, we made it through. We faced each day from August 15th until December 3rd not knowing what lied ahead. The Lord richly blessed our family with so much more than we ever prayed for - not 1 day but 56 days, what more could we have asked for? Our God is so good. Are we completely through this storm? No, we are not, it's only been 2 months since our little boy left our arms but the Lord has given us an incredible amount of strength and a peace that only He can provide. We are taking it one day at a time.

Our pastor also spoke about the Lord sending friends to Paul during the storms of his life to surround him, to encourage him, to love him and support him. He said as a church that is what we are to be, brothers and sisters in Christ that surround our fellow believers in the time of a storm. Okay, at this point in the message I could have stood up and given a testimony!!!!! Let me tell you, the Lord has certainly done this for us while on this T-18 journey. There have been so many "Sisters in Christ" that have come along side us, who have encouraged us, who have loved us and supported us. It has made for such a sweet journey during the hardest storm of our lives. You know who you are:

You are my 1st three "Internet" friends (Angie, Kenzie and Kim).............who traveled our pregnancy's together, that laughed with me, cried with me, personally email me day after day, leave comments on our blog, stood by us for 56 days, posted entries on your blog on our behalf, lifted me up during our loss in the midst of your own loss, grieved with me, who are learning to live this new kind of normal, who are looking forward to seeing what the Lord has for all of our lives and are who are continuing to be my sweet, precious Christian friends - I love you all!!!!

You are my newest "Internet" friends (Emily, Chrissy, Kristy, Connie and Cathy)......................who traveled the 56 days with us, who gave us lots of medical advice while Tristan was with us, that laughed with me, cried with me, personally email me, leave comments on our blog, posted entries on your blog on our behalf, who lifted me up during our loss and are who are continuing to be my sweet friends - I love each one of you too!!!!

You are the high-risk nurse......................who saw me devastated and crying on August 15th (right after we found out about the T-18 diagnosis) standing at the check-out desk that came up and wrapped your arms around me and told me it was going to be okay and that you'd walk this road with us

You are the doctor's office nurses.......................who cried with me, calmed my hurting heart every visit from August to December, who were excited every week we'd call and say that Tristan had made it another week and now the ones who make sure I don't have to wait in a waiting room filled with new mommies/babies

You are the sonogram technician...............who performed our sonogram every 2 weeks and encouraged us regardless of Tristan's diagnosis and growth

You are the hospital nurses................................who rejoiced at Tristan's birth, that prayed with him every day, that cried with me every day, that prayed with me every day and that attended Tristan's 1 month birthday party in Room 336

You are Internet bloggers........................... who have linked Tristan's blog to your own

You are Internet friends...........who have prayed for us, emailed us, celebrated with us, been sad with us, linked us to your blog and who donated to our church on Tristan's behalf

You are the faithful blog commenter's.....................who daily leave words of support and encouragement

You are our new neighbors.......................who followed our story, who loved us, who rejoiced when we pulled up in the driveway on December 7th with our little boy

You are in our Sunday School class.......................who prepared meals for 4 weeks, who donated to the collection of meal gift cards, who hug us each week and say that you're glad we're back and that you're praying for us

You are the friends from my past...........who have reached out and contacted us again through emails and cards

You are the new church friends.......................who have reached out to us after hearing our testimony at church on November 4th, who brought meals, who emailed, who visited and who sent cards

You are church members (we do not personally know)........ who stop us and say "we're praying for you" or "we're glad your back"

You are my parent's friends'............................who put us on your class prayer list, who have sent emails, who have sent cards, who have sent flowers, who have provided meals and who made donations to our church on Tristan's behalf

You are every person we have come in contact with personally or via the Internet .............................who has loved, encouraged or supported us

Thank you to every person who has taken the time to love us while on this journey! We ask that you continue to remember our family in prayer as this journey is not over. Like I mentioned above, it was only 2 months ago that we lost our little boy so although we are doing better than we were on January 27th, we still need your prayers, your love, your support and your encouragement as we continue to move forward. We shared back in February, that the Lord had laid it on our hearts to start a foundation in honor of our little boy therefore we have been diligently working on that over the last 2 months. It is a lengthy process between the legal paperwork, the building of our website, making contacts for supporters in the community but we know it will be worth it if we can encourage just one girl that will eventually be walking this same road. I know what it meant for me to have Angie reach out and walk this road with me and then to meet Kenzie and Kim shortly thereafter so in return I want to be that same kind of friend to other girls. We are hoping to have it ready by July 1st so please be praying for this process. The Lord has also laid some other desires on our hearts and we look forward to sharing those with you in the near future.

Acts 27:1-8 says: "And when it was determined that we should sail unto Italy, they delivered Paul and certain other prisoners unto one named Julius, a centurion of Augustus' band. And entering into a ship of Aramyttium, we launched, meaning to sail by the coasts of Asia; one Aristarchus, a Macedonian of Thessalonica, being with us. And the next day we touched at Sidon. And Julius courteously entreated Paul, and gave him liberty to go unto his friends to refresh himself. And when we had launched from thence, we sailed under Cyprus, because the winds were contrary. And when we had sailed over the sea of Cilicia and Pamphylia, we came to Myra, a city of Lycia. And there the centurion found a ship of Alexandria sailing into Italy; and he put us therein. And when we had sailed slowly many days, and scarce were come over against Cnidus, the wind not suffering us, we sailed under Crete, over against Salmone; And, hardly passing it, came unto a place which is called The fair havens; nigh whereunto was the city of Lasea."

A "Beth Moore" Weekend

I have had the most incredible weekend! Girls, if you've never attended a Beth Moore conference I encourage you to find one in a city near you and GO, I promise you will leave feeling renewed, on fire for the Lord and seeking to do the Lord's work with a great passion!!!! These are pictures from our weekend. 15,000 woman assembled in one place, all to worship the Lord and learn how to be a godly Christian women.






Back in December, Trayc had mentioned Beth was coming in March but I did not even consider it because our days were so uncertain with Tristan. After Tristan passed away, Trayc again mentioned that the BM conference was in March and that he'd really like for me to go. I told him that I didn't really want to be away from him. Trayc has been my security since receiving Tristan's diagnosis in August so I am okay as long as I'm with him but I begin to feel so emotionally weak and feel like the weight of my loss is upon me when I'm not with him. Trayc went online to make sure there were still tickets available and said that I still had some time to think about it and that he really wanted me to go. Trayc has been to several Promise Keepers events over the years so he knew I'd have the same experience he did. I thought about it for several weeks and as I have slowly felt more emotionally stable, my days are good and my nights are so much better (huge answer to prayer!), I told him I thought I could do it. He assured me that if I didn't feel strong enough that he'd go with me - what a great husband, willing to go to a women's conference! I prayed about who I'd like to ask to go with me and there was only one friend whose name immediately came to mind, as she has walked this road with me every day since August. I called and asked if she'd like to go and she said she'd love to. She had never been to a BM conference either and she was going through some things in her own life that she needed some direction in also. So we bought our tickets 3 weeks ago and have been anxiously awaiting the conference!

I headed out Friday night, by myself, for the one hour drive. I passed by the hospital and decided to just start thanking the Lord for every part of Tristan's life instead of crying, then I passed by a cemetery (not Tristan's, but every cemetery is now a reminder) and kept trying to be thankful and just as I was pulling into the restaurant, to meet my friend for dinner, I looked across the street only to see Tristan's cardiologist office. Although a part of me was really beginning to feel overwhelmed after the hospital, the cemetery and now the cardiologist office and my heart was saying go back home, it's too soon to do this, I stopped and thought to myself "No, I'm not going to cry, I'm not going back home, I'm going to be okay and I am not going to let Satan use things to distract me from what the Lord has for me this weekend". I sat down at the table and immediately told my friend all that I was feeling and she sweetly assured me that I'd be okay. We had a wonderful dinner and time of sharing and then headed to the conference. We walked in the door 15 minutes after they had opened (45 minutes before it started) and we ended up at the very, very top! Even though we were just about as high as you could get, we could feel the Holy Spirit moving throughout the coliseum in a very real way! We stood there in awe as we looked around at the approximately 15,000 woman assembled in one place, in Downtown Jacksonville, that were there for one purpose, to learn more about having a closer relationship with the Lord - what an amazing site to see! The conference was incredible. The music by Travis Cottrel and the praise team was very worshipful and the message by Beth was phenomenal. She was so inspiring. There were so many things to write down that I could not take notes fast enough! My friend and I left with an excitement and were longing to return the next day.

Saturday started off quite early as I headed out the door at 6:00 am, fortunately there is a brand new Starbucks right off I-95, as I was in much need of some coffee. Being a stay-at-home-mom for 5 years now, 5:00 am is WAY TO EARLY to get out of bed, but it was so worth it. I drove down the road just a singing - this is a big step as I have not really listened to much music since Tristan passed away as my heart is always feeling so weak and music just makes me cry, sweet tears, but I still cry. As I got out of the car and my friend and I were literally racing in, we were adamant we would find a seat closer this time, I looked at her and said, "This is so good for me, this is exactly what I needed this weekend". I don't know how else to explain it other than I felt so free! Free from grief, free from sadness and free from the darkness I faced each night as I laid down in bed the first 6 weeks without my little boy in the bassinet next to me. I just felt free, free from all the pressures of life. I was excited, I was happy, I was laughing, I was dressed up and quite honestly, I felt like a real woman again. Not a mommy, not a homeschool teacher, not a taxi driver, not a soccer mom, not a cook, not a maid, not a wife. Trust me, I love being all of those things, but this weekend I needed it to be all about me, I needed to be still and know, I needed to hear what the Lord had for me without any distractions of the every day life. I believe all of my friends, who have lost babies, will completely agree that as moms we try so hard to be strong for our husbands, be strong for our children and we try to shelter our children from the hurt of death so we end up hiding all that we feel inside. But this weekend I didn't have to. I was free to worship alone, free to let the tears of thankfulness, the tears of joy and tears of sadness flow without holding back!

I wish that I could fully explain what Beth's message was about but honestly it's one of those "you just had to be there". If you have a moment, visit Beth Moore's blog by clicking on the link to the right of my entry and watch the entry labeled "Jacksonville Recap". It is a video of the weekend. This is a great video recap, watch and see if you can you feel the presence of the Lord in that place? I have watched the video 3 times and cried each time. You could certainly feel the presence of the Lord this weekend!

Both days Beth taught from Philippians 3:3-21. She broke down every part of these verses in a way I've never heard before. She said that we have to face forward, stop looking in the past, look in front of you because that is where your future is - she is SO right!

These are the verses that are in the forefront of my mind as I come to the end of this incredible weekend:

Philippians 3:12-14

12 Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me.

13 Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead.

14 I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.


Oh Jesus, thank you for using Beth Moore this weekend to not only reach thousands of women but to touch my heart in a very real way. I ask that you remind every women that was there of the vows of commitment we made as we stood in 2's holding hands with our friends. I also ask that you remind each one of us of this weekend 10 years from now just as Beth challenged us to do. And as the words of Travis' song say, I fall down and worship, leave all that I treasure behind, for a chance to be closer to the one who might, be the one who saved my life.

Happy 2nd Birthday, Tayden!

Tayden turned 2 yrs old today! I look at my precious little boy in these pictures above and realize how fast time has gone by, he is no longer my baby. He is my sweet, crazy, funny, totally unpredictable 2 year old who is a mommy's boy for sure! He is so different than Tanner was. Tanner was our perfect little boy that we could take anywhere at anytime and was always so proper, people would always stop and say that he acted like a little man and he really did. But Tayden, let's just say we don't get those comments but you know what? It's okay. I will never forget a conversation we had sitting at the kitchen table only 4 days after we found out about Tristan having Trisomy 18 (this is part of the entry dated August 18, 2007):

We had all been sitting on the couch talking and crying and then we went to the kitchen to eat dinner. After we prayed, Tayden, our 1 1/2 yr. old, pulls his shirt over his head so that it is resting behind his head and on his shoulders, then he puts his rubber spoon in his mouth and starts flipping it so that it's hitting his forehead and then he puts both feet on the table and starts laughing. Okay, this is not the typical dinner at our house, he has honestly never done this. Infact, we would have never, ever accepted this kind of behavior when our 11 yr. old was that age because we were so strict about everything and that included table manners. I said, "oh, if Grammy(my mom) could see you now!" we all kind of smiled, and then Tanner, our 11 yr. old, said, "You know what mommy, maybe the reason the Lord waited 10 years to send us Tayden is because He knew we'd all need him right now because he's just so wild and silly!" I said, "Maybe you're right Tanner, maybe Tayden will (without even knowing it) be the one who helps us heal during this difficult time and maybe he will keep us laughing when we really don't want to."

We will never know why we tried 9 years to get pregnant and then 4 days before invitro found out we were pregnant with Tayden, but I do know I am so thankful the Lord sent us Tayden right when he did because HE IS exactly what we have needed this past year. He has helped mend my hurting heart on many a days with his sweet voice of saying, "Mommy" or when he puts both his hands on my face and gives me a sweet kiss or when he stands in the chair behind me and points to Tristan's picture on the blog and says "baby" or when he acts silly by taking off only one sock and one shoe and tossing them over the front seat of the car or when he takes Tanner's stuffed animals and runs down the hallway laughing or when he holds on to my neck so tight that he won't let go. All of these things make me feel special, loved, they make me laugh and that keep me going on the hard days. Tayden will never truly understand all that his little life has gotten our family through this past year!

Trayc worked a half day today, so when I woke up I got Tayden out of bed and went into Tanner's room. Tayden laid down beside Tanner, like he does every morning, and we sang "Happy Birthday". Tayden started laughing and clapping so we sang it again and then one more time, for a total of 3 times. We ate breakfast and had a sweet morning together. Oh this is what I needed today as there were lots of emotions that flooded my heart when I woke up. There was excitement because it was Tayden's birthday, there was the reality of the day being the 27th which meant Tristan had been gone exactly 2 months and there was a sadness felt because Tristan was not here to celebrate his big brother's birthday. We got pregnant the weekend of Tayden's 1st birthday so we were thrilled to FINALLY know that we would have 2 children close in age. Tanner and Tayden are 10 years apart and although you do not see the difference when they play, there IS still the age difference, so Tristan being only 21 months younger than Tayden made us happy! I will forever miss seeing Tristan and Tayden sitting in the floor playing together, sharing each others toys and having a bond like only brothers can. But I am thankful that Tristan lived long enough to bring him home so that I could have pictures of all 3 of my boys together and one day, when Tayden is older, we will be able to show him pictures of Tristan and be able to tell him all about his little brother.

We had Tayden's party tonight. The party theme was Thomas the Train, of course, what else is there right? Tayden's room decor is wall-to-wall with Thomas, he wears Thomas shoes, he wears Thomas clothes, he only watches Thomas movies and he only likes to sit and play at his Thomas train table full of Thomas trains. So, it's Thomas, Thomas, Thomas around here!!!!! We have always celebrated birthdays in a big way because we want that person to feel like it's THEIR day! We usually have between 25-30 people with lots of food and decorations but this year, with having just lost Tristan 8 weeks ago and still trying to get through these first few weeks, I really wanted it to be small and simple. We invited only family and had pizza and cake. It was a sweet night of celebrating Tayden.

Happy Birthday Tayden!

We love you - Daddy, Mommy and Tanner

Happy Easter

As believers we celebrate today, Easter, in remembrance of the Resurrection of Jesus. Our church performed the Passion Play for 3 days last weekend. I believe it was, by far, the best performance our church has ever done. It was performed in such a way that it drew you in, to the point that you felt as though you were there! I've been a part of our church performances in the past and I have also attended other performances but I have never been so touched and received the blessing I did this year. We've all seen the picture of Jesus with the little children on His knee, like in all children's Bibles, and I've seen this scene acted out before but it really meant something this year because my little boy is there - my little boy is in Heaven, my little boy is at the feet of Jesus with all of his little friends. There was a part in the performance where Jesus was holding the dead girl, he lifted her up and he spoke His word and she came alive. He hugged her and then kissed her forehead - somebody pass the Kleenex, our entire family has tears! I was crying and thought to myself, although the Lord did not chose to heal Tristan on this earth, he WAS healed. He was healed on January 27th at 4:40 pm, the moment he left my arms and was in the arms of Jesus. Tanner leaned over and whispered, "Mommy, that's what Tristan and Poppy Joy and Maddox and Mary Grace are doing right now". He had this big smile on his face, oh to have the excitement and faith of a little child.

I also love Easter because it marks the beginning of a new season, the beginning of Spring. There is just something about the crisp smell in the air and the cool morning breeze that is so refreshing! Yesterday morning Trayc asked if I knew how many days it had been since Tristan passed away. I said, "No, why?" He said, "I don't know, the number 56 is Tristan's number so I was just wondering if it had been 56 days since he passed away?" I said, "Why?" He said, "Because that would mean he would have been gone as long as he lived!". I got curious so I went to the calendar and counted it up. Guess how many days it had been? Yes, 56 days exactly! You know, it is so hard to believe that Tristan has already been gone as many days as he lived. Those were the most incredible 56 days of our lives. I have experienced a love like never before, I felt so much love being returned back to me from his little dark brown eyes. How do you feel that when he never uttered a word? Oh there's only one answer - the Lord! He allowed Tristan enough days on this earth to start visually communicating back, through his little eyes and attempting to move his little lips when I would talk to him, so that I, HIS MOMMY, would never forget that feeling!!!! And although I sit here and attempt to type these words through eyes filled with tears and tears quickly rushing down my face, they are sweet tears, they are tears of love because I miss my little boy so much and they are tears of thankfulness that the Lord allowed us so much time. Never experiencing death and grief like this I certainly did not know what to expect and although the emptiness is still felt in my heart and the longing to hold my little boy is still there, our family is doing great! We are living this "new kind of normal" that everyone talks about and we are looking forward to the future with excitement and anticipation trusting in the Lord to carry us each and every day believing He has great plans for us.

We had a busy Saturday beginning with our neighborhood's Easter egg hunt. It was so much fun because Tayden was only a year old last year so he was not walking nor was he into the egg hunt but this year he was so cute. He would run pick up an egg, put it in his basket and get so excited he'd clap his hands together and yell "Yeah!" and then run to the next one - it was a sweet moment as I watched my little boy run around. Tanner found the golden egg so he won a big beach bucket filled with beach stuff so he was excited and then Tanner was helping Tayden open his eggs and eat the candy. Tanner and Tayden have truly made this journey a little easier emotionally because they keep us going and they definitely keep us laughing. We had so much fun spending the rest of the day together shopping, getting haircuts, buying shoes for the boys, getting ready for Easter and dying eggs. Of course, you all know that Tanner had to make one that said, "Tristan 56 days" because he loved his little brother so much!

We woke up early this morning, ate breakfast and looked forward to the boys opening up their baskets but bless his heart, Tayden was so tired he couldn't keep his eyes open so Tanner said "Why don't we just wait until after church" so we did. We went to Sunday School and church. As I sat in church this morning I was thinking about all the ways we have been blessed this year and how thankful I am for so much in my life. How many people are fortunate enough to go to church and sit on the row with their entire family? Probably not many, so many families move away from their childhood home but not us, we're still here and as long as the Lord allows, we always will be. We sit every week on the same row with all of my family. I can't even explain the joy I feel in my heart as I stand on that row knowing we're all there together praising the Lord through worship. On the way home from church I reminded Trayc that this time last year we woke up early to take our 2nd pregnancy test (the 1st one we took the day before had a 2nd line but it was a slight color so Trayc didn't believe it), so Easter morning I took another test and the same thing happened, the 2nd line turned a slight color, but Trayc still didn't believe it so after church we headed to Target to get another one - a name brand test as Trayc insisted that was the problem with the first two tests, we rushed home, took another test and the 2nd line did NOT turn pink so we decided not to tell our family at lunch. But I knew, I just knew we were pregnant and was so excited thinking about the fact that come next Easter we would have another baby. Although there was a sadness this morning as we only dressed 2 of my 3 boys (in matching outfits) and that our family picture only shows our family of 4 instead of our family of 5, I will always remember the excitement we felt this time last year knowing we were pregnant with our third baby, the excitement of making through all 9 months of my pregnancy and that our little boy lived 56 days!

We ate lunch and then Tanner gave me a flower he had made (see top picture) which he had written all 3 of the boys names on it and then he and Tayden opened their baskets. Tayden was so cute trying to open the eggs because he just learned at the egg hunt, yesterday, that there was candy inside and then Tanner helped him open his "Cars" car. He started watching the movie a few weeks ago, yes we are attempting to watch something besides Thomas, Tanner is so tired of ONLY watching Thomas, so now he steals all of Tanner's hot wheels, we knew it was time for him to have a car of his own. We had a real sweet family day!

I would ask that you remember each girl that has lost their precious baby since last Easter. Even though we all know the real meaning of Easter and we are beginning to move forward, I believe there will be an emptiness felt within the hearts of many girls this morning. After all, there is just something about buying one less Easter outfit, buying and filling one less Easter basket and one less person in your family picture that will be a reminder of our losses. I find comfort today knowing that my precious little boy is in the arms of Jesus and surrounded by all of his little friends: Maddox, Poppy Joy, Mary Grace, Miller Grace, Asher "Happy" and his brother Issac, Jonathan, Madeline, Eliot, Joshua, Copeland, Christian, Molly, Riley, Sully and Eva.

Please remember sweet Chrissy, her husband Vinnie and their 2 children Mya and Dominic as they are grieving the loss of precious Eva Janette. She was such a fighter. She lived 5 incredible days, I am so thankful they had time to love and bond with her. Eva went from her mommy's arms to the arms of Jesus at 2:57 am this morning. As her mommy said, "She made it HOME for Easter". Please visit their blog (www.evajanette.blogspot.com) for more information and please be praying for them as they prepare for Eva's celebration of life service on Tuesday.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day with your family!

Happy Easter from our family to yours........
Trayc, Yvette, Tanner and Tayden

Luke 18:15 says: "People were also bringing babies to Jesus to have him touch them. When the disciples saw this, they rebuked them. But Jesus called the children to him and said, Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it."

Matthew 28:1-6 says: "After the Sabbath, at dawn on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to look at the tomb. There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it. His appearance was like lightning, and his clothes were white as snow. The guards were so afraid of him that they shook and became like dead men. The angel said to the women, Do not be afraid for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay".

Eva Janette is here

Thank you so much to everyone who has been praying for the family of Eva Janette. I just received an email from a friend letting me know that Eva Janette was born at 8:47 am this morning. She weighs 4 lbs 11 oz and is 18 inches long. I was also sent a picture of her and she is beautiful with a lot of hair! Chrissy will be updating their blog (www.evajanette.blogspot.com) as soon as she is able, so keep checking on them. Please continue to pray for Eva as they are closely monitoring her heart in that apnea is one of the many issues Trisomy 18 babies are born with. Also, please pray for Chrissy's healing, for her strength, for her emotions, for her husband Vinnie and for their 2 children Mya and Dominic.

James 5:16 says: "Confess your faults to one another and pray for one another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man (friend) availeth much."

Heavy heart

I sit here tonight with such a heavy heart for the following 3 families. I would ask that you PLEASE lift them up in prayer in the days ahead:

1. Eva Janette (link is on right side of page): Chrissy is the last of us "T-18 mommies" to have her baby. She is scheduled for 8:30 am on Monday. Please pray for Eva Janette - that she will be born alive, that her heart rate will remain strong and that her family will have lots of time with her. As I am sure you can imagine, Chrissy has been overwhelmed with emotions as she has seen so many babies born and pass away over the last 9 months. Please pray that Chrissy will be able to put all of her fears aside as she heads to the hospital to bring her precious little girl, Eva, into the world. Please pray for her husband, Vinnie. He, too, has walked this very difficult road of emotions with her and realizes she needs so much love and support in the next few days. Please pray for their 2 children(Mya and Dominic), day-after-day they have sat by Chrissy's side checking in on all of the T-18 families so they, too, already feel the loss of so many babies which makes their little hearts so vulnerable to being hurt. Oh, I just want them to be so excited that their little sister has been so very strong and made it to the end and I want them to enjoy every moment they have with her. Please pray for the doctors and nurses that will be assisting them during their hospital stay. Please pray for all of their family members and friends that will be joining them at the hospital.

2. Joshua Mathew Sams (link is on right side of page): Joshua passed away on Saturday (They live in New Zealand which is 17 hours ahead of us. So our Friday is already their Saturday). The Lord blessed his family with so much more time than doctors ever believed was possible - as his mommy said, "he lived 67 days and 7 bonus hours". Please pray for Susie, her husband Matt and their daughter, Oceana, not only are they dealing with the loss of their precious little boy and preparing for his service but Matt has come down with the flu. They really need our prayers!!!

3. Molly Brown (www.caringbridge.org/visit/mollybrown): Molly passed away suddenly last night at 7:30 pm. Molly had been doing so well, therefore this was very unexpected. She had T-18 and lived 19 months, she was considered a long time survivor of this rare disorder. Her dad, Sean, is the Vice President of Development for the Trisomy 18 Foundation which has been such an inspiration to many girls given this kind of diagnosis. Please pray for Erin, Sean and their son, Gavin, as they deal with the loss of their precious little girl and prepare for her service.


Again, my heart is just so heavy tonight knowing all the emotions these families are facing. I had such mixed emotions on December 3rd when we were headed to the hospital. Excited because I knew Tristan was going to be born and that I could finally hold my precious little boy and scared because there was so much uncertain. I know so well the emotions Chrissy is feeling. And then, I also know the reality and sadness the Sams family and Brown family are feeling having just lost their precious babies.

Please visit these 3 sites and leave them a comment letting them know you are praying for them. I know it would mean so much to all of them to be remembered in these very difficult days.

James 5:16 says: "Confess your faults to one another and pray for one another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man (friend) availeth much."

Weepy Sunday

I have mixed feelings on Sundays now. A part of me looks forward all week to Sunday so we can go to church, sing songs and hear the message. The other part of me still gets so sad on Sundays as it is the day of the week that Tristan passed away. I would say that overall I am really doing good. The pain does not seem as real as it did a few weeks ago. I'm trying to take it one day at a time, or should I say one night at a time as that's when I usually struggle. But my nights are getting better and no more night time tears! Of course, just when I think I'm doing good and making it through the grieving stage faster than I thought I might, it hits me again!!!! Amazing how FAST the sadness can reappear and how QUICKLY the unstoppable tears flow in any given moment.

I was really looking forward to church this morning and hearing our pastor preach another wonderful message, as they all seem to apply to us lately. Just as soon as we drove past the hospital where Tristan was born the tears started flowing. I quickly wiped them away because I did not want Tanner to see them. They just kept coming and coming and coming. I don't know why I was so sad. No particular thought, other than thinking about Tristan so I had lots of tears all the way to church. We dropped Tanner off at the door of the Children's building and as we drove into the Preschool parking garage I told Trayc that I just didn't think I could go to Sunday School. Trayc said, "Why are you so sad today?", I said, "I don't know", he said, "Was there a thought you had?", I said, "No, but I don't need a particular thought, I just miss my little boy so much!". Okay, I said this last response with a little too much hurt in my voice and it came out like I was mad (note: this is not normally how I respond!). I said, "I'm sorry, I'm just so sad", he sweetly said, "It's okay honey, you're a mommy who misses her little boy". I think it came across a little harsh because I get so frustrated - frustrated with myself. One minute I'm so proud of myself for making it through this grieving process and making it through the days/nights without crying and then all of a sudden the tears start again which makes me feel so weak again and then I get scared that I'll have a set back and have to begin this process all over again! We sat in the car until the tears stopped. I attempted to put on a happy face as we took Tayden to his class but guess what? Yes, the tears came again as we walked past the nursery (first time I've had tears walking past there!). As we walked over to church I was trying my best to hide the tears because I did not want people to see me so sad. As the service began with singing, the tears came back again, but I lifted up my voice and prayerfully sing:

When peace like a river attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll,
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul!


Oh yes, there is no doubt this has been a weepy, weepy Sunday. This whole grieving process is still so new to me. I am reminded, now more than ever, how fortunate I have been in my 40 years of life to have only suffered the loss of one family member, my grandfather in 1993. My life has been so full of things to be thankful for: My godly, christian husband of 18 years, my 2 miracle boys (Tanner and Tayden), 56 days with our miracle little boy Tristan, our sweet home, all of my family members living here in the same town, being close to Trayc's family, our church, my friends and the list goes on and on. Therefore sickness, pain, suffering, death and grief have not been a part of my life. However, since I began this Trisomy 18 road in August it seems as though my life has certainly seen its share. Whether it's the cardiologist office where at least 15 children were waiting to see the doctor or 30 plus children waiting to see specialists at the children's hospital or all the children walking around the children's hospital in their PJ's holding their parents hand or being pushed in their wheelchair or children wearing cute little hats to cover up their baldness from chemo treatments or becoming friends with sweet girls on the Internet or whether its coming across other girls' blogs of similar situation, there are so many parents hurting and grieving.

Even though this journey has seen pain and suffering and the uncertainty of tomorrow, it has also allowed me to pray and see so many prayer requests answered. Each girl has prayed for specific requests throughout their pregnancy and how exciting it was to pray along side them and see the Lord granted their requests - what a great and awesome God we serve. This journey has also given me a renewed sense of thankfulness for all that I have and given me a heart for girls going through these kind of situations whether its due to T-18 or another kind of genetic disorder. My prayer list has never been as full as it is right now. There are so many sweet girls that have lost their precious babies. Although I only communicate with half of them on a daily basis, each one of them is in my thoughts and prayers every day. Today I just feel led to name these sweet mommies and would ask that you remember them during your prayer time as well, you can also read about their journey on their blogs:

Angie (mommy to Poppy Joy)

Kenzie (mommy to Maddox)

Kim (mommy to Mary Grace)

Emily (mommy to Miller Grace)

Kristy (mommy to Issac and Asher "Happy")

Boothe (mommy to Copeland)

Ginny (mommy to Eliot)

Kristin (mommy to Jonathan)

Kim (mommy to Christian)

Mandy (mommy to Madeline)

Heidi (mommy to Sully)


Some of these girls are further down the road of grief and yet others have just begun. No matter the stage of grief, we all experience the same emotions at one time or another. We have good days and not so good days. We are happy. We are sad. We laugh. We cry. We hope. We dream. We long for more days of emotional strength than days of emotional weakness. We are all learning to live a "new kind of normal". Whatever path we choose, we are all moving forward knowing the Lord will carry us through this stage just as He did throughout our pregnancy. It is so exciting to already see how the Lord is working in each of our lives. Some are writing books to remember their journey, some are waiting on a call from an adoption agency, some are waiting for 2 pink lines to appear on a pregnant test, or, like us, some are forming a foundation to help encourage girls that will eventually travel this same journey. And, whatever direction we each chose to take, I believe the Lord will bless each one of us for opening up our hearts and lives, for our trust and obedience to Him and our willingness to help all of the girls who come behind us.

I would ask that you also remember the following names of mommies who are either pregnant or their precious babies are still with them (they are amazing doctors each day as they beat the statistics!):

Connie (mommy to Mallorie, 1 year old)

Emily (mommy to Cohen, born March 5th)

Chrissy (mommy to Eva, due March 17th)

Cathy (mommy to Annabel, 3 years old)

Susie (mommy to Joshua, on Day 62 today)


2 Kings 20:5 says: "I have heard your prayer and seen your tears; I will heal you."

The 3rd

Yesterday morning, as we were driving to church and passed the hospital where Tristan was born, I realized that come Monday(today) it would be March 3rd - 3 months to the day that Tristan was born. I will never forget that day. Monday, December 3rd as we drove to the hospital with such excitement knowing we were finally going to be able to hold our precious little boy and yet there was fear as we were unaware of what that day would bring. We never imagined we would actually be able to bring our precious little boy home from the hospital and share 56 incredible days with him.

Those thoughts also led to me realizing that Tristan would have been 3 months old today! When I was pregnant and once we brought Tristan home, I NEVER, in 56 days allowed myself to think past the day we were celebrating, we lived "in the moment". However, since Tristan passed away there are days, like today, that my mind wanders and I think about where we would have been at this point. It's very hard to describe this emptiness in my heart and in my life, yet if you've lost a precious little baby then you completely understand. When you have a new healthy little baby you are so excited and you are bursting with an indescribable kind of love. You are very busy, every minute of the day/night, taking care of them. You have the every day excitement as you watch them grow and accomplish little things like lifting their head, smiling, taking more formula and before you know it you are buying the next size diapers and the next size clothes. Unfortunately, my hours are not filled with precious moments like those, they are only filled with precious memories of what once was.

I love being a mommy. It's something we longed for 5 long years before Tanner was born, 10 more years before Tayden was born and then only 1 short year before Tristan was born. We've spent a good part of our 17 1/2 yr. marriage trying to have children and build the family we so desperately wanted to have. So, now that I have suffered the loss of one of our precious children it's hard. I really miss Tristan so much. I miss those big brown eyes that were so alert, at night time of course. I miss watching him turn his head to the side as I would come up to the bassinet and talk to him. I miss rubbing his little face. I miss kissing his entire face when the feeding tube was out and he had no tape. I so miss that 24 hr care that made me feel like a new mommy! I long to feel those new mommy things like not getting a shower until 2:00 p.m., being exhausted to the point that I can't remember what day it is or if I've changed his diaper recently, what time the last feeding was, remembering if I gave him all his medications, just everything that comes with having a new baby!

I know that all of this is part of the grieving process and feel as though I am doing so much better than I ever believed I would be. Although I really wish the pain and emptiness I am feeling would go away sooner than later, what I don't want to do is rush it, ignore it or cover it up and it affect me years down the road. I know people who did not allow themselves time to grieve, people who rushed the grieving process and people who never actually got over the loss of someone and it has affected them to the point that it has changed their entire life. Right after we found out about Tristan having Trisomy 18, Trayc and I were laying in bed one night and I was crying and I said, "I am so scared of how this will affect me", "What if I never get over the loss?", "I don't want this to change who I am", "What if I never laugh again?", "I'm not a bitter or angry person but what if this destroys me?". He so sweetly, through many tears of his own, assured me that this would not change my personality, that we would still be the same close family, that our marriage would still be just as sweet, he promised me that he would not allow Satan to win in this situation and that as a family we would honor and glorify the Lord every step of the way. As much as I wanted to believe that back then, it almost seemed impossible as devastated as we were that night. But now, having just lost our precious little boy a mere 35 days ago, I can honestly say that it did not change my personality or who I am, I am laughing again, I am making memories again, I am not angry, I am not bitter, I am not angry or bitter towards God nor have I ever questioned why He allowed this for our family. What this HAS done is cause me to reach out to girls who are hurting, to have a more consistent quiet time, to have a more serious prayer life, to be more in love with Jesus than ever before, to trust in His plans more than my own, to be more committed to Him and long for Heaven to see the face of our Heavenly Father and to see my precious little boy again!

Please pray for us as we continue dealing with the loss of our precious little boy, as I work through the night hours and as we are diligently working on the foundation.


Bible notes (re: Genesis 50:1-11): When Jacob died at the age of 147, Joseph wept and mourned for months. When someone close to us dies, we need a long period of time to work through the grief. Crying and sharing our feelings with others helps us recover and go on with life. Allow yourself and others the freedom to grieve over the loss of a loved one and give yourself time enough to complete your grieving process.

1 month ago....

Today is February 27th! I cannot believe that 1 month ago our precious little boy quickly slipped from my arms into the arms of Jesus. We miss Tristan so much as our hearts, our lives and our home has been changed forever!

I look back on Sunday, January 27th and I am still in shock of how everything happened so fast and unexpectedly. I really believed, as told by several doctors, that we would see a change, a decline in Tristan's health, something that would prepare us for the end but we didn't! I am so thankful now that we "lived in the moment" and lived every day to the fullest because our time of saying goodbye was so quick. It's still hard to even remember exactly what happened from the moment I rushed in the door, ran up the stairs to our bedroom and Trayc handed Tristan to me at 4:35 pm and he passed away a mere 5 minutes later. I question Trayc about those last few minutes all the time asking "he was alive when I got home right?" "he was looking at me?" "do you believe he knew I was there?" "do you believe he heard me?". Just so many things as a mommy that I need to be reassured of! I only have one regret in 56 days - I regret going to the store that day as that was always my biggest fear of why I never wanted to leave the house!!!! My sweet husband tells me, all the time, that I don't need to look at that day with any regret because Tristan looked great before I left for the store. We changed his clothes, his diaper, he was alert, his apnea monitor had not gone off that day nor the night before, he was looking at me when I leaned in his bassinet to kiss him on his little checks and said, "Mommy loves you, I'm going to the store and I'll be right back okay!" I really didn't want to leave that day but then again I never wanted to leave his side. Because I was having such a hard time leaving him Trayc and I even talked about him going to the store instead of me but then I told him that we needed a lot of groceries and I'm better at that than he is (we've always gone to the store together so if he goes alone then he gets what he thinks is important like cookies, cereal and Dr. Pepper). Trayc reminds me that if I had seen any kind of change in Tristan I never would have left and he's right. He also said that I need to turn the regret I feel into thankfulness for the way everything happened for several reasons: (1) it was a Sunday so Trayc was home and not at work (2) Trayc was home NOT me, I can't imagine how I would have been if I had been at the house without Trayc (3) Tristan 's health looked as though he was progressing not digressing so we did not know we were near the end (4) We did not see Tristan decline and suffer (5) Tristan passed away quickly without any pain or suffering (6) Tanner and I made it home from the grocery store in time to have the last 5 minutes with him and most importantly, (7) Tristan had the strength to hold on until I got home - oh how thankful I am for this!!!!! So, I'm trying to remember all of that and although I regret going to the store that day, I know in my heart that just as the Lord planned for Tristan to be born on Monday, December 3, 2007 at 12:42 pm and planned for him to have 56 days with us, He also planned that on Sunday, January 27, 2008 at 4:40 pm He would take Tristan home. That was His plan and I trust in His plans far more than my own plans or desires.

There are days when the pain still feels so fresh and real and yet there are days it seems like a lifetime ago as our lives are adjusting to a new kind of normal. Overall though, I honestly believe that I am doing a lot better than I expected to be doing this soon afterwards and as a family we are back to laughing, having fun and making memories. I wake up every morning, turn on the computer just so I can get to this blog and enlarge (full screen) the last picture we took of Tristan on Day 53. He looked so sweet, so happy, so healthy and I certainly never imagined that would have been the last picture we took. During the day I'm good. I am busy home-schooling Tanner, taking him to soccer 2xs a week, piano lesson 1x a week and church 3xs a week along with keeping up with Tayden. However, at night time (when we're at home) it's a different story. As soon as the sun sets and the darkness appears my emotions change and my carefree, happy, fun spirit seems to quickly diminish and I become very quiet and sad. I try so hard to stay the same way I am during the day but along with the darkness also comes the memories which breaks my heart! My nights are really hard at home so whether it's church on Sunday night or Wednesday night, going to the mall, going to the grocery store, walking in our neighborhood, a family member's house, whatever it is....... as long as we're out of the house at night time I'm good. It's like I've mentioned before, Tristan's days and nights were mixed up, he was awake at night so that is when we made all of our memories. You know, when you're living day-to-day, in the moment and trying to cram a lifetime of memories into a short period of time you don't think about anything else except making memories so now, even the simplest of things we did like praying at the dinner table is hard. We would put Tristan's bassinet, or his bouncy seat, between Trayc and I so that I could hold his little hand as we prayed so I feel the emptiness from the very beginning of the evening with prayer at the table! And then there are the other things we did for 56 days that I miss like looking into his big brown eyes, rubbing his little face, kissing his little cheeks, holding him in my arms, watching him turn his little head and look at me when I'd talk to him, changing his little diaper, dressing him in new little outfits, using Dreft detergent to wash his preemie clothes, sitting in our brown chair and holding him when we watched TV, getting in bed and leaning halfway in his bassinet to pray with him and sing "Jesus Loves Me", sleeping without the noise of the oxygen concentrator, sleeping with the lights on so I could see him ALL NIGHT, feeding him every 3 hours, running every time his apnea monitor went off, coming up with creative family events to do every night, taking pictures, bathing him and the absence of his bassinet beside our bed. And the hardest of all - being able to hold my precious little boy in my arms with Trayc, Tanner and Tayden beside me and feeling as though time stood still for 56 days and my life felt more perfect, more whole and more complete than ever before! The days we shared together healed every tear I cried and every fear I felt when the doctors shattered our hopes and dreams, on August 15th, with the Trisomy 18 diagnosis for our precious little boy. The days we experienced were everything I had ever prayed for and more! I am so thankful the Lord chose us to be Tristan's parents and that He allowed us so much time.

Although the last month has been hard as we grieve the loss of our little boy, I would do it all over again! The fulfillment I experienced being Tristan's mommy is far more than words can describe. I always feared the thought of having a "special needs" child however I now know that there is nothing to fear, they are just the same as healthy babies they just require a little more attention and you know what, I would have spent the rest of my life giving that required attention to Tristan and never have any regrets!

The comfort we hold to on the hard days is that Tristan is now in Heaven and in the presence of Jesus, face-to-face! He has no feeding tube, no apnea wires, no oxygen tube and he takes no medications. His little body has been made whole and one day our family of 5 will be reunited. Oh, I long for the day to stand in the presence of our Heavenly Father and thank Him for the 56 days he blessed us with and at the same time be reunited with our precious little boy! The song that comes to mind is one we used to sing at church when Dr. Lindsay, Jr. was alive - "What a day that will be, when my Jesus I shall see, when I look upon His face, the one who saved me by His grace, when He takes me by the hand and leads me to the promised land, what a day, glorious day that will be". In elementary, jr. and sr. high I would sing this as just another church song, but oh how time and life experiences change the way we long for Heaven and causes us to sing songs in a whole new way. I can't even get through a song at church these days without crying (sweet tears) as I sing them with all my heart and as a praise to the Lord for all that He has blessed our family with. I long to be at church and 3xs a week just doesn't seem to be quite enough - I just want to sit on the front row and be ministered to and sing songs about the Lord and Heaven 7 days a week. How grateful I am for such an incredible pastor, music ministry, church body and Christian friends who greet us with smiles, hugs and words of encouragement and support every time we're there.

Thank you for understanding my inability to blog the last 2 weeks. I can honestly say I now know what it means to have writers block. I have been at such a loss for words and didn't really know how or what to say. I greatly appreciate my sweet husband being willing to blog on behalf of our family.

I would ask that you continue to pray for our family as we are healing, please pray for me as I continue working through the night hours and especially pray for Trayc and I as we are working on the foundation, in honor of our little boy, to help minister to other families that will eventually travel this same Trisomy 18 road.

Tanner's post: My picture for Tristan

Tanner asked tonight if he could write something on Tristan's blog, so this is, in his own words, his entry: It was one month ago today that my little brother went home to be with Jesus. It was the saddest day of my life. When mommy and I got home from the store we ran up the stairs and mommy held Tristan and talked to him and then I talked to him and said words I will never forget, "I love you buddy, you were the best little brother, I loved being your big brother, I will never forget you, I promise". I kissed him and then mommy told him that all his friends (Poppy Joy, Maddox and Mary Grace) were waiting on him and then he passed away. I drew this picture to put on our refrigerator so we can remember the 56 days that Jesus gave us with my little brother, Tristan. Thank you to everyone who leaves me comments, who ask about me and who prays for me. I really miss Tristan being here with us but I know he is in Heaven with Jesus and that I will see him again. Please keep praying for me and my family.

Our 56 Days

This is the slideshow that my brother put together for us to show at Tristan's "Celebration of Life" service. This is a little glimpse into the 56 wonderful days that we enjoyed as a family of 5. This is just a portion of the over 1600 pictures taken during our time together. As you watch this we hope you are reminded, as we are, of God's faithfulness to our family as He granted far more than we could have possibly imagined.

Trayc

Tristan's brick

Sundays, as you can imagine, are very hard for us because Tristan passed away on a Sunday afternoon. Fortunately, church gets us out of our house and into the Lords, where we are uplifted. This morning in Sunday School one of our care leaders called me up to the front and presented us with this memorial brick that reads "Tristan Asher Hostetter, 56 days". What a great surprise! Yvette and I were just talking the other day about having Tristan remembered in some way at our church. Right outside the main auditorium of our church is a granite memorial wall for the unborn where name plates call to mind all of the little ones that never made it to this world and in front of that is a brick paved walkway which displays names of little ones that did make it but left all too soon. This pathway is where Tristan's brick will lay in honor of our sweet little boy. We appreciate this brick more than words can even describe.

With brick in tow, we made our way to the morning service that God had especially prepared for us. Dr. Brunson taught from Exodus chapter 15 verse 25. The Lord had led the Israelites out of captivity and had brought them through the Red Sea. They had just experienced one of the greatest miracles of the Old Testament and yet three short days later they found themselves at the waters of Marah in need of fresh water to drink with only a bitter pool before them. Verse 25b ... and there the Lord tested them. The pastor went on to explain that this test wasn't because of disobedience, but rather in order to determine if God's people were going to trust Him with their every need. The interesting part was that the people in just three days had, for all intensive purposes, forgotten the miracle parting of the sea. They watched their Creator peel back millions of gallons of water, flash dry the muddy sea bed so it would support their weight and that of their supplies and livestock. They saw the entire Egyptian army, those that beat them and mistreated them for their entire lives drown before their very eyes as the walls of water fell back into place. You would think they would have been able to trust Him to provide the very basic of needs such as water to drink? How quickly we can jump to conclusions because here we are the other side of Tristan's miraculous 56 days and God is asking us to trust Him with the very same thing; to be all that we require, to be our sustenance, our sufficiency. It seems simple doesn't it? He just brought us through the part that should have been the hardest to trust Him in right? Well, not necessarily.

Tonight was another service I believe the Lord had especially prepared for us. Our pastor spoke of the life of Joseph in Genesis, and how sometimes it takes years for us to see how the hand of God moves to bring His plan into fruition. How the testing that we experience in the valleys of life prepare us for God's appointed time and place. Once there, we can look back and see how God was working through every situation, every detail, to bring about His best for our lives. Yvette and I spend a good bit of time looking back over the past 17 years, now, having a different perspective, we see how His hand has moved and this gives us the peace we so desperately long for to make it through this time.

Thank you for all of your comments and encouragement. They are often read more than once.

Please continue to pray for our family as we approach Wednesday the 27th.

Trayc

Our Vision

Back in August, when we found out that our little boy would be born with Trisomy 18 we did not understand at that time why the Lord had allowed this to come our way. Laying in bed one of those first nights Yvette and I decided that despite the pain, disappointment and uncertainty we would not allow the devil to steal the joy that became ours the moment we realized we were expecting our third little miracle. What was meant to tear our family apart has only served to strengthen us and bring us even closer together. What was intended to stifle our walk with the Lord has caused us to rely all the more on His everlasting arm to guide us. We rest in the knowledge that not only did He have this covered, He also has a plan. A plan that did not come into clarity until an early afternoon in December as our little boy adjusted to life here on earth. Although at the time we did not know what the next 56 days would hold, we determined that God would be honored and glorified in all that we did.

We began this blog as a place of information for our family and friends. A place where they and you, our internet family, could come to see how we were doing and to see how to specifically pray for us. Our blog allowed you to step into our lives and walk this journey with us without feeling as though you were intruding. This became an amazing opportunity for others, most of whom are complete strangers, to pray for our family and immediately see the results of that prayer as God miraculously provided for us each and every day. As the Lord guided us to other families on this same road, we too became emotionally invested in their lives as we began to pray for God's presence in their present need. This became a place where we could be vulnerable, putting forth our requests and displaying our weaknesses without fear of embarrassment or retribution. Not long after we began blogging we realized that this, in a very real way, was beginning to heal us, long before the time when we would need it most. Comments on this blog seemed to come when we needed encouragement the most. Like a soothing ointment are the prayers and support that we still receive to this day. From the very beginning your love and kind words have been "healing it forward" in a way, preparing our hearts for this time when we still feel such a loss.

Over the last few years, Yvette and I have felt as though we were being drawn into some sort of life ministry together. God's hand being so evident in our lives that we knew He was preparing us for something, so we kept praying that He would reveal Himself to us and that we would trust His perfect plan. Well, in case you missed it, go back and look carefully at all of the pictures in our blog. Our Heavenly Father is present there; the creator seen in the depths of Tristan's dark brown eyes, the joy on our faces that suppressed our tears and the very breath that sustained our little boy for eight wonderful weeks. As for His plan, that takes me to our vision. Just as Tristan was entrusted to us for a little while, so is the power and wonder of the 56 days that has left us forever changed. We cannot begin to comprehend why God, in His omnipotence, chose to allow us 56 incredible days while our sweet "internet" friends were given a fraction of that time. But let me assure you, we were humbled by the privilege we were given.

We've always been taught; that with great opportunity comes great responsibility, and this weights very heavily on Yvette and I. So we have begun the process of creating a foundation that will encourage new Trisomy 18 families to keep their pregnancies and not terminate as we have all been pressured to do. This foundation will support a new website that will be a safe haven for trisomy moms and dads to come and seek the answers that were not easily found when our family started this journey. We want to provide hope that trisomy babies can survive despite the opinions of expert doctors who call them "incompatible with life" and give God no acknowledgment or place. God is still in the life creating and sustaining business (see our previous posts). There are survivors of full Trisomy 18, some living up to 11 years. When Yvette and I started researching Trisomy 18, the first survivor we came across was Eliot Mooney (see link at right) who lived 99 days. WOW, 99 days is eternity when you are being told not to look forward to even meeting your son this side of Heaven. That gave us our first sense of hope, that if Eliot can make it 99 days maybe our little boy can at least make it to birth. This is the hope that every family facing this situation needs to hold on to. Our prayer is that as they see the time that we were blessed with that, they might be encouraged as well. It isn't how much time we have with our children, the point is that every moment is precious. As a parent of one of these special little babies, it only takes one moment to be completely and utterly changed. Just ask any of our sweet "internet" friends that had only hours with their little boy and girl. We also want the site to be a resource where facts about Trisomy 18 can be accessed to help prepare parents for the birth of a child with special Trisomy 18 needs.

So, please be praying for us as we hoping to have our site up as soon as possible. I know it seems simple enough, but as I type, satan is trying to discourage and derail any effort we make. Please be praying that the Lord will provide the resources needed to have the site built and that the finished product would continue to bring more honor and glory to God in the days to come. Please continue to pray for our family as we still long for the sun to rise as most of our memories were at night. Please pray for Yvette as she is having a hard time knowing what to blog. Hopefully she will be back soon. Please continue to check our blog as I will update as soon as we have the foundation up and a website started.

Trayc

Happy Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day! Well, today is supposed to be the big day for love, cards, roses, chocolates and a nice, quiet, romantic dinner for two at a quaint restaurant. That is how Trayc and I have shared every Valentines since we started dating in 1987. But this year was different, although Trayc was wanting to spend the evening alone, as we always do, I just couldn't bring myself to do it this year. I find myself needing to be with the boys more than ever before and I know it's because they make me feel like a mommy which I am really missing because of losing Tristan. I miss the 24 hr. care I gave Tristan, I felt like I was needed by him every second of the day for 56 days, whereas now my days (and definitely my nights!) seem so empty and I am trying to fill that void with Tanner and Tayden. Fortunately, Tayden has become this very sweet, loving, affectionate little boy who has been hugging on me since the first day of our trip, last week, so that has greatly helped me emotionally. However, I still miss my precious little boy so much.

Tanner is all about celebrations of any kind and today was no exception, so I got Tayden out of his bed and we got in Tanner's bed and all snuggled for about an hour, we made cinnamon rolls for breakfast and then Tanner made Valentine cards for my mom and step-dad. I should have taken a picture of the cards because they were so sweet - he decorated them with lots of colored hearts and then made 3 hearts in the middle of the paper and wrote Tanner, Tayden and Tristan on it! He misses Tristan so much - he said, "Tristan celebrated his 1st Valentines in Heaven with Jesus today". Oh, he was so sincere, I smiled and said, "Yes baby, he did" but on the inside my heart just crumbled and I fought back the tears. We had a great today together and then Tanner was so excited that he was actually go out to dinner WITH US for Valentines so we asked where he wanted to go and he said, "Koi", it's his favorite Japanese Steakhouse, so we all went to dinner and had a wonderful family night. I am so thankful for a sweet husband who understands that although I would love to spend a nice, quiet, evening alone with him, I just need to be with my boys right now.

Please continue praying for our family as we deal with the loss of our precious little boy and for me as I continue trying to work through these first few weeks of night hours that seem to be the most difficult for me.

Happy Valentine's Day from our family to yours........
Trayc, Yvette, Tanner and Tayden

Our great escape

When we found out about Tristan on August 15th we were so devastated those first 2 weeks and unfortunately due to the circumstances our focus from August to December 3rd shifted from Tanner and Tayden to Tristan. Knowing this was going to happen we promised Tanner, back in August, that when Jesus took Tristan to heaven we would go to Disney World. We always reminded him of the trip until Tristan was born and then we stopped because the excitement now needed to be that Tristan was alive, at home with us and we needed to "live in the moment". Two days before Tristan passed away Tanner came in my room and said, "Mommy, I don't want to go to Disney World now" I said, "Why Tanner?" He said, "Because when we go that means Tristan will have passed away!" I simply said, "It's okay honey, we don't have to go if you don't want to, but let's not worry about that right now, Tristan is alive and he's with us". On the inside though, my heart sank, he was right! Well, obviously we did not know two days later, on January 27th, that Tristan would pass away as he was doing so good and seemed to be progressing. As we were making plans for Tristan's Celebration of Life service we were also trying to make plans to go to Disney World, after all we've promised Tanner since August and we did not want to go back on our word. Although we knew this was NOT the right timing financially because of all the funeral expenses and the fact that Trayc had been off work for 1 1/2 months, we had to go, we had to do what we had promised Tanner, he and Tayden deserved our undivided attention. We started praying that the Lord would provide the funds for us to go because we did not have any extra money. I admit, I was scared first because we only had days to get the money and because I just didn't see how anyone would give us money for what they might consider a vacation instead of a "healing getaway". Well, without mentioning it to anyone, only praying, the money came - we were blessed by several family members and several friends that generously contributed to our trip. And then, the biggest blessing of all, we were given (through a friends' friend) a FREE, 5 day/4 night stay in an absolutely beautiful, brand new condo on New Symrna Beach. Our entire trip was paid for and we were so blessed! Thank you to everyone who gave money for our trip that allowed our family time to be alone, away from our own surroundings and to begin the healing process.

We left on Wednesday morning and spent part of the day on the beach walking and picking up shells and letting the kids get their feet wet, on Thursday we spend the entire day at Downtown Disney, on Friday we went to Disney World from 10:00 am-11:00 pm, on Saturday we spent 5 hours at the Daytona Speedway (it was set up for the races which begin this week) so we enjoying all the activities and walked around looking at all of the drivers merchandise trucks. We left this morning and went straight to my mom's house to celebrate my grandmother's 83rd birthday and got home at 4:00 pm this afternoon. We have had a very, very special week! It was so much fun being together, laughing and making lots of new memories. As you know, I've really struggled with the night time hours because that's when I'm so sad about Tristan and lay awake crying until I finally cry myself to sleep. I guess the change of scenery was exactly what I needed. As soon as I got in bed, every night, I fell asleep immediately. I took a picture of Tristan with us so I could look at it every day, it never made me sad to look at, they were all sweet and happy thoughts, I feel like for me that's a big step as I've really struggled looking at Tristan's stuff since he passed away. These are several pictures of our trip. Picture #5 is Tanner and I standing on Main Street holding a Mickey Mouse hat that we bought and had Tristan's name put on it, this was Tanner's idea since we celebrated "Disney at our house" with Tristan on Day 17.

Please continue praying for our family as we heal, please continue to pray for me as I try to work through hard, night hours and as our family is beginning this new journey.

What timing....

I'm sure you've said "what timing" before, meaning the timing was exactly what you needed at that moment, well that's how I have felt about the past few days. Every February, for the past 22 years, our church has a Pastor's Conference where 1000's of pastors/church staff from all over the world come to our church for 5 days of encouragement and rejuvenation. They attend classes and sit under some of the most powerful preachers of our time (Paige Patterson, David Jeremiah, Junior Hill, Jerry Vines, Johnny Hunt and many others). It started on Friday night with a service honoring the late Dr. Jerry Falwell and then preachers taught every day, and there were 2 services on Sunday night, Monday night and tonight.

Trayc and I were in the choir for 18 yrs and a part of the pastor's conference until we got out 5 years ago. Year after year the messages and music are always so powerful and it's one of those weeks you never wanted to miss. And this year was certainly no exception, we definitely did not want to miss it because we just lost our precious little boy 10 days ago, this is exactly what we needed these past few days, to hear the words of the Lord to help us heal our hearts and a week of spiritual encouragement and renewal, the Pastor's Conference came at the right time for our family......what timing! I listened intently to hear what the Lord was trying to teach me through the message and I sang with a heart of thanksgiving and praise to the Lord for what he has done for us through our little boy. I am so grateful for such a wonderful church that has an incredible pastor and minister of music.

The service ended tonight with a finale presented by our 2nd-5th grade, middle school, high school and adult choirs (approx. 1000 voices). The adult choir began singing and then slowly the high school, middle school and 2nd-5th graders walked in from the back of the church and filled the aisles. They were all wearing white robes and each held a gold, jeweled crown. As they were singing the last song they all bowed on one knee and lifted up their crowns --- WOW, this was so gripping!!!!

Tanner was a part of the finale and as you can imagine it was so touching. I smiled and had tears running down my face as I watched him singing to the Lord and holding up his crown. He has been through so much since we found out about Tristan in August and with him passing away just a few days ago. We were so proud of him tonight. His love for the Lord is so sweet. This was a concern back in August because we didn't want him to ever question why the Lord would do this to our family or why he would take Tristan away so soon and I have to say that he has no bitterness, no anger or does not question anything. He firmly says, as he has to remind me when I'm sad sometimes, "It's okay mommy, Tristan is with Jesus now and he has a new body and we'll see him again soon".

Please continue to pray for us as our hearts heal from the loss of our little boy, as I continue to struggle with the emotions in the night hours and as we are walking on this new journey in our life.

Got out!

If you've followed our story since Tristan was born then you know we were "homebound" because of Tristan's condition and all of the devices he wore (oxygen tube, feeding tube, apnea wires) so we have not been out of the house as a family (except to have our picture w/Santa and the baby dedication). Well, we did it - tonight we got out as a family for the first time since December 2nd! It felt so good to get dressed up and get out of the house. We went to dinner and walked around Target for an hour (hey, that's therapy for me!). Getting out is great for me because I am not surrounded by all of Tristan's things which cause me to be so sad and then I just start crying and am overwhelmed with the pain and loss of our little boy. Tonight I was not afraid to see other moms with babies, maybe because I had Tristan for 56 days and we experienced so much in that short period of time that I feel like we did everything we wanted to do so I wasn't lacking that feeling of being a "new mommy". Tristan wore baby clothes, he wore diapers, we put him in the car seat, we put him in the stroller so seeing those baby things didn't make me sad. We had a great time tonight. We talked and laughed and just really enjoyed being out together as a family trying to move forward even though our hearts are aching.

Please continue to pray for us as we are still grieving the loss of our precious little boy and as I struggle with the emotions I feel during the night hours.

A new month, a new journey

Today is the 1st day of February. It's a new day, a new month, a new beginning and a new journey. This new journey will certainly be different than one we've ever traveled before as I have never suffered the loss of a baby. I have also learned that you can never be prepared, just as we are each different individuals we each grieve differently. All 3 of my sweet "Internet" friends lost their precious babies before me. I would read their entries trying to understand what the grieving process would be like to prepare my heart for the inevitable. I now know that it is in no way the same as my friends. Although our pregnancy journeys were the same because our precious babies were diagnosed with T-18, our grieving is totally different. I did not realize I could love my precious little boy so much, become so attached and miss him as much as I do after sharing a mere 56 days. He impacted our lives in such an unbelievable way, one that is truly unexplainable. We were touched in a way that has forever changed us.

We've been so busy since Tristan passed away Sunday night so I really didn't feel the loss until yesterday morning! There was such a difference about the house, it was so quiet without the oxygen concentrator and there was such an emptiness without Tristan here. How is it that EVERYTHING in our home reminds me of Tristan? From our night stand light that we kept on all night long (I never did have enough faith to turn it off - now I'm so glad I didn't, I was able to see him all night), the area beside our baby where his bassinet once was, the counter top in the bathroom where we had all of his feeding tube supplies, the Dreft detergent (I never realized how much that little baby looked like Tristan - his fist are even clenched), drawers of preemie clothes, tiny diapers, cabinets of formula, cabinets filled with feeding tubes and oxygen tubes, the shelf in the refrigerator where his feeding IV bags were, the oxygen concentrator, the oxygen tanks, the car seat, the list goes on and on. I was fixing dinner tonight (facing the opposite direction from the TV) and I heard a beeping noise. I stopped and literally turned around to run up the stairs and then realized.......it was the TV....... not Tristan's apnea monitor, my heart just sank. I fought back the tears and didn't say anything to Trayc because Tanner was right there but later I mentioned it to him and he said, "Oh I know, I heard it - it's the same sound you hear when a construction truck backs up too!" I have to keep reminding myself that I'm ONLY on day 6 so this is all normal, I'm sure. The pain is so real right now, I'm ready for it to subside so that I can think of the 56 days we had with excitement instead of being so sad.

I know that for me the best thing is to stay busy and fortunately I have Tanner and Tayden with me all day to help with that. I sat down tonight and made a list of upcoming things for me to start focusing on. I'm better when I get up and get going and have a plan - I'm a planner. So, I got out the calendar and scheduled everything for the rest of the year. I usually do this the day I buy a new calendar however I did not do it when I bought the 2008 calendar because of all the uncertainties with Tristan and not knowing what the year would bring. When Tristan was here I would wake up every day and write what day we were on so I would never have to use white out if he didn't make it to the next day - we lived in the moment and lived for the day only! Now, in order to keep my mind consumed I need to get focused on the rest of the year. We have church, soccer, piano, vacation, Easter, Tayden's birthday, Tanner's birthday, etc. Oh, and of course add home-schooling Tanner to that.

Honestly, overall I really feel great and am surprised at how good I feel during the day, however, the night time is a different story. As the sun starts setting and the darkness appears that's when my emotional sadness and struggles begin. Tristan had his days and nights mixed up so he'd slept all day long so I really only feed him and changed him during the day but as soon as Trayc would come home around 5:00 pm Tristan would wake up, look around, move his sweet lips and try to talk to us and he would be alert the entire night so we'd hold him and love him and smoother him with kisses at night and then I spent my nights either holding him or leaning halfway into his bassinet. This is why the night time is extremely hard. I've laid in Trayc's arms for the past 4 nights crying myself to sleep because I feel so sad and so alone, I miss my little boy so much and I just want one more night to hold him, to rub his little face, to pray with him and to sing "Jesus Loves Me" to him - just one more night! Of course, Trayc feels the loss too but in so many different ways. His heart breaks when he turns on the water in the kitchen because he feels like he should be cleaning out/making more IV feeding bags and he struggles with not being able to feed Tristan every 3 hours. Our bodies are set to wake up and feed Tristan and that has not changed yet, so the loss is felt over and over and over.

Tanner is doing really well! We are so proud of him. Of course it was so emotional for him as Tristan was passing away and he was talking to him but we've all been so open with each other and sharing our feelings so we're all working through it together. He was so excited to go to church Tuesday night, there was a special rehearsal for the upcoming Pastor's Conference so my step-dad took him. He was able to see all of his friends, he loves going to church so it's been hard for him to miss the last 8 Sundays and Wednesdays but he understood why we weren't able to go.

The Lord is continuing to carry our family just as he did throughout our pregnancy. He is continuing to bless us with sweet family and friends to love and support us as we begin this new journey.

I would ask that you please continue to keep our family in your prayers in the days ahead as we deal with the loss of Tristan and begin our lives again and please pray specifically for me that I will work through the pain, the loss and the emotions I feel so much during the night hours.

Tristan's Celebration of Life service

I had so much fun day-after-day for 56 days giving updates of Tristan's life and now it's really hard because I really, really miss him sitting beside me(in his bouncy seat) as I type - it was so easy then! Now, I sit here tonight, in the same chair, at the same desk, staring at the same computer, typing on the same keyboard - everything is the same and yet it's not, it's so different now and I am so numb, I feel like a huge part of me is gone! When I was getting ready for the service yesterday morning I was thinking about how fast this journey has gone, like it was just yesterday that we found out we were pregnant and yet "just yesterday" we were attending a service to honor and remember the 56 days of miracles we shared with our precious little boy. Not only am I feeling the emotional pain but I am also beginning to feel the physical exhaustion, not just from the past 3 days but from the past 56 days. I remember so many nights I would hold Tristan and I could barely stay awake and Trayc would tell me that I really needed to get some sleep but I'd always say, "It's okay, I'll have time to sleep one day when Tristan is no longer with us, but today he's here so I'll stay awake" - oh I'd give anything for another sleepless night! However, as tired as I am I really wanted to share with everyone who was not able to attend the service what it was like so that you could feel a part of the service as you are also the ones who have traveled this journey with us from afar.

Tristan's "Celebration of Life" service was absolutely beautiful, it was everything we wanted it to be. Our desire was for the service to be soft and sweet and one that would reflect the love we shared as a FAMILY OF 5 and the memories we made with our precious little boy every day, for 56 days! And, ultimately we wanted the service to bring honor and glory to the Lord for choosing Trayc and I to be Tristan's parents, for this being His plan for our family and for carrying our family every step of the way while on this Trisomy 18 journey.

The visitation began at 11:00 am and one-by-one over 200 guests entered our church. We were overwhelmed with the number of people who came on behalf of our little boy. Some were sweet friends we are close to, some were friends from our past, some were church staff members, some were Sunday School teachers from our high school years, some were in our Sunday School class and a few were people who only knew of us from the blog, they came to say thank you for sharing our journey on the internet. We cannot even begin to express how much each person's presence meant to us, we felt so much love. Each guest walked down the aisle of the church to meet us and express their sympathies in the loss of Tristan and thanked us for being willing to share our journey with the world. Then they were able to walk by the little white casket that held our precious little boy and then look at an 8 ft. table, which my mom helped me set up, which displayed mementos that represented the past 56 days such as Tristan's Christmas tree the boys made, the Christmas card he gave me, the outfit/hat he wore home from the hospital, the Bible he received at the baby dedication, the birthday hat/candle from the party we had with the nurses, the New Years hat/whistle and the list goes on.

The service began at 12:00 noon with the pastor opening in prayer, we played a slideshow which showed 115 pictures (we took 1,600 in 56 days) and then Amy Henning (from the group Evidence) sang the song she wrote "Open the Sea" which as you all know from a previous entry has become my life song while on this journey (this was not previously planned - this was a huge surprise when we found out she was coming in just for us - thank you, Amy!). Then my sweet husband, through lots of tears and emotion, spoke the sweetest words I've ever heard on behalf of our family and in thanksgiving to the Lord for allowing us 56 days and for choosing us to be Tristan's parents. Then the pastor delivered an incredible message.

At 1:15 pm, all of our family members left the church escorted by 4 motorcycle policeman (who volunteered their services/time for free on behalf of our son - thank you!) and drove to the cemetery where our pastor again said a few words. We ended the service, as Tanner had requested, by each of us letting go of a blue balloon to represent Trayc, Tanner, Tayden and I and then Trayc released one white balloon representing Tristan. We left the cemetery and went back to my parents house where both of our families joined us for lunch(provided by my parents' friends - thank you!) and a sweet time of sharing.

It was a very special day of celebration as we remembered the 56 days of miracles we shared with our little boy, Tristan Asher Hostetter.

Psalm 127:3 says: "Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him."

What happend on Sunday?

Thank you so much to everyone who has commented on our blog or personally emailed us since since Sunday night. I cannot begin to tell you how much we truly appreciate the outpouring of love, support and prayers for our family during the loss of our precious little boy, Tristan. As I mentioned in my entry on Monday, this was so unexpected....and yet it wasn't. When you receive a diagnosis of Trisomy 18 you are told the statistics, you know the reality which is why our only prayer was for Tristan to be born alive and have at least one day with us - he was! As the days went by we started praying that we could take him home from the hospital - we did! Then day-by-day we loved Tristan with all of our heart and held nothing back. We had 56 days of miracles - so much more than we ever prayed for or even believed was possible. We celebrated every day whether it was Christmas every night in December, visiting Santa Claus, celebrating his 1st Christmas Eve, celebrating his 1st Christmas, having him dedicated at our church, celebrating his 1st New Year's Eve, celebrating his 1st New Year's Day, Disney night, Jaguar football night, bath nights or nightly "dress ups" with all 3 boys taking picture after picture - we lived in the moment and lived every day to the fullest!!!!

I know so many of you were wondering what happened on Sunday prior to Tristan passing away, as we've had many comments saying they were shocked. Let me start off by saying, we were absolutely shocked. Tristan had a great night Saturday night, his apnea monitor did not got off, his color was perfect, he took all 25 ml of feeding every 3 hours and the normal reflux that caused drool/formula to run down his mouth. I stayed awake from 10:30pm-2:00am watching him and wiping his little mouth, we switched sides and Trayc watched him from 2:00am-8:00am and then we both slept until 10:00am. We got up, ate breakfast, watched our church on TV and then Trayc said we needed groceries. He said, "Why don't you go get groceries and I'll stay here" so I took Tanner and we left at 2:15 pm. I spoke with Trayc several times while we were gone and every time asked (as always) if Tristan was okay and he said yes, he was fine. Trayc called me at 4:15 pm and asked if I was heading home and I told him I was checking out and he said, "okay I'll see you in a few minutes". At 4:20 pm while Trayc was changing Tayden's diaper the apnea monitor alarmed so Trayc left Tayden on the bed, checked Tristan and he was breathing again. He went back to Tayden's room to finish changing his diaper and the monitor alarmed again so he went in there and it was the heart monitor - THIS HAS NEVER, EVER HAPPENED!!!!! Trayc picked Tristan up and laid him on the bed and quickly undressed him to try and stimulate him and turned up the oxygen all the way to 5, but he was just very relaxed and the heart monitor continued alarming. Trayc called me and said "Where are you!" I said, "I'm on my way home" He said, "I need you to get home fast" I said, "Why?" He said, "He's not good baby, he's going fast!" I said, "What do you mean?" He said, "Baby just get home fast". I had been on the phone with my mom when he called so I clicked back to tell her and I was crying so hard. I didn't know how this was possible, I had just left at 2:15 pm, what could have changed in 2 hours? Of course, I hit every red light. My mom kept talking and praying with me all the way home (while at the same time getting my step-dad so they could come over). For 15 minutes Trayc held Tristan and kept telling him to hold on mommy was on her way. At 4:35 pm Tanner and I ran in the door, ran upstairs and Trayc handed him to me and said, "Baby tell him everything you want to, he's going fast". All 3 of us sat on the bed crying and I was looking in Tristan's eyes telling him how much I loved him, how happy I was to be his mommy, how I would never forget him, how all of his friends were waiting on him and I named them (Poppy Joy, Maddox and Mary Grace) and then Tanner said, "I love you buddy, you were the best little brother, I loved being your big brother, I will never forget you, I promise". I continued telling Tristan over and over how much I loved him until he took his last breath and went from my arms to Jesus arms at 4:40 pm. We sat on the bed for 20 minutes loving and kissing Tristan.

My parents were fixing to be here so as we started to walk downstairs I handed Tristan to Trayc and said, "I need to do a post and tell everyone so they can be praying for us". I sat down and through many tears quickly typed the entry called "Tristan went home to be with Jesus". Those were truly the hardest words I have ever typed as I am so used to typing cute little, creative titles - I just wanted to get the word out to the world that our little boy was gone and we desperately needed prayer! Within 15 minutes my parents, my sister's family and my grandparents were here (I'm so thankful we all live close). Then my sister took Tanner and Tayden so they could spend the night with her so they could be with their cousins and would not feel and see the pain we were experiencing, Tanner's been through so much since August and this part we wanted to shelter him from. Then our sweet pastor and his wife came and had prayer and talked with us all. He was reminding us that Tristan was in heaven from the moment he closed his eyes, he was in the presence of the Lord, that this body is what we hold on to and cling to because it's what we know and love but he's not there and then he shared some scripture. Being in church 3xs a week my entire life I've heard those words but NEVER needed to hear them like I did at that moment, it brought on a whole new meaning now that our little boy was in heaven. Everyone left but my parents, they stayed until the funeral home left.

It was around 11:00 pm when Trayc and I finally crawled into bed. We held on to Tristan's blue blanket and his little doggie (the one in all the pictures) and laid in each other's arms crying. It was so dark (we were used to the night stand light on) and it was so quite (Tanner and Tayden were with my sister and the oxygen concentrator wasn't on). Trayc got up and turned on the bathroom light and turned on the fan to the heater. We talked until 3:30 am about how in shock we were as there were no signs of this day coming, about our pregnancy, about the past 56 days, how we see clearly see the Lord's hand on our family since we began this T-18 journey in August and how we are so grateful to have been given more days than we ever imagined possible. We experienced 56 days of miracles!!!!!!!

I would ask that you please remember our family in prayer in the days ahead, they are extremely hard right now, although we knew Tristan's days were numbered from the beginning, I did not know it was possible to feel this great of a loss after sharing 56 days. We miss our little boy so much but fortunately we are not without hope, we know we will see him again.

John 11:4 says: "...This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God may be glorified thereby."

Totally unexpected......and yet it wasn't!

Thank you to everyone who has commented on our blog since Sunday. We are overwhelmed with the amount of prayers and support for our family in the loss of our sweet, precious little boy, Tristan. They are being felt and are such an encouragement to us as we are being faced with the saddest and most difficult days of our lives. We are okay though and so is Tanner. We will post a more detailed account of what happened on Sunday in the next few days as we have been so busy with plans the past 2 days.

How do I say this was totally unexpected and yet it wasn't. Tristan has been doing so good and had a great day on Sunday right up until 4:20 when his apnea monitor went off and then seconds later his heart monitor went off - THE HEART MONITOR HAS NEVER GONE OFF BEFORE!!! He went down quickly from there. I was on my way home from the store (15 min. away) and got home at 4:35 pm, Trayc handed Tristan to me and he passed away a mere 5 minutes later at 4:40 pm. Straight from my arms to Jesus arms.

Please continue to keep us in your prayers as we have the "Celebration of Life" service for our little boy - We had 56 precious days!!!

We love you all,
The Hostetter Family

Celebration of Life information

This is the information regarding Tristan's "Celebration of Life" service:

Wednesday, January 30, 2008
11:00 am Family will be receiving guests
12:00 noon Celebration of Life service


First Baptist Church Downtown
Hobson Auditorium
124 West Ashley Street
Jacksonville, Florida 32202
(904)356-6077


In lieu of flowers we ask that you donate to the Preschool Building renovation project, in honor of Tristan Asher Hostetter. Mail checks to: First Baptist Church, Attn: Finance Dept., 124 West Ashley Street, Jacksonville, Florida 32202 (on memo line write: Preschool Bldg. Renovation-honor of Tristan Hostetter).

Day 56 - Tristan went home to be with Jesus

It's 5:00 pm here in Jacksonville, Florida and just wanted everyone to be praying for us. Tristan had a great night last night and today, however around 4:20 pm he started going down very quickly and passed away at 4:40 pm.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE pray for us. Our family members are on their way!!

Day 55 - Too cold to get out!

Tristan had another great night sleep! His apnea monitor did not go off and his color did not change but we are still having to watch him when he eats because his reflux causes some of the formula to come up so I don't want him having that run down the sides of his little mouth so we watch him so we can keep wiping it off. I stayed up from 10:30 pm-1:45 am and Trayc took the shift from 1:45am-6:00 am. What honor we feel that the Lord has allowed us the opportunity to have such sleepless nights! Tristan is definitely handling the increased feedings which is great, he needs to be at 27 ml by Wednesday per his Nutritionist.

Today we really didn't do much, just had a relaxing day as a family around the house. I am really desiring to take Tristan out in public and start doing things as a family of 5 now that he's doing so good and because we've made it to Day 55. If anything, I'd at least like to return back to church on Sunday mornings. It's been cold here so we won't go tomorrow because we certainly don't want to risk him getting sick especially with the doctors appts. and possible surgeries coming up. So, we'll wait until the weather gets a little warmer and until then we'll keep coming up with creative ideas to do at home with him - which is really more fun than going out anyway, especially for Tanner and Tayden.

As you know we have 2 big appts. on Monday and Tuesday. On Monday, we meet with the Ped-Surgeon regarding Tristan's hernias and possible G tube. On Tuesday, Tristan has an upper GI done to confirm the reflux so that we can change his medicine to something a little stronger. We may have a lot of decisions to make this week which I am very scared about because I am not comfortable with the idea of Tristan going under sedation. However, I also do not want us to be in a situation where we have to go to the Emergency Room because the hernias have ruptured. I am hoping that the Ped-Surgeon does not feel as though the hernias are a problem right now and that we could wait a little longer until Tristan is older and has gained some more weight.

Please pray for Tristan's strength, please pray for us as we may be faced with several medical decisions in the next 2 days and please pray for us as we face another new day tomorrow.

Day 54 - Change in destinations

Tristan had a great night sleep! He was not fussy, his apnea monitor did not go off at all and he was able to handle the increased formula amount from 24 ml to 25 ml without any problem. Tristan had a good day except that his reflux has become more obvious - he is now spitting up formula because he does not know how to swallow, so he cries when this happens which means we watch him the entire time he feeds now, we'll know more about his reflux after the upper GI test next week.

Today I was FINALLY taking a shower at 1:00 pm and I was thinking about how my life as Tanner, Tayden and Tristan's mommy has changed me. As I've written in previous post this is not what Trayc and I had planned when we got married 17 yrs ago. We wanted 4 children, 2 years apart, 2 boys, 2 girls - this was the plan! However, as you can see, this was not the Lord's plan for us, He blessed us with 3 boys. I thought to myself "Would I change the way my life is today?" Honestly, the answer is yes and no (I mean who wouldn't want to change some things in their life, right?). Yes, I wish I had the 4 children we so desperately want, Yes I wish we had at least one little girl I could dress up in all pink and go to ballet recitals with, Yes I wish Tanner and Tayden were closer in age, Yes I wish Tristan did not have T-18. But, at the same time my answer is no, I would not change the way my life is today, there is a reason why the Lord has given us each one our boys and I don't want to miss out on the blessings He has in store for us. Tanner, Tayden and Tristan are all truly miracle babies as we were told my 9 doctors and 1 infertility specialist that we would never have children - yet we do, we have 3! And then we've been given another miracle, we get to wake up every morning and look at our precious little boy, Tristan, the one doctors told us probably would not survive until December and the one they considered "incompatible with life" - yet we are on Day 54! Being Tristan's mommy has allowed me to do things I would never have had the chance to do had he not been diagnosed with Trisomy 18. Because of his diagnosis I took my personal journal and turned it into this blog which has given me the opportunity to meet people all over the world and ask them to pray for us, it has allowed me the unique opportunity to form "Internet" friendships with some of the sweetest Christian girls I've ever known and walk this road with them, it has drawn me closer to the Lord, it has caused me to have a more consistent quiet time as I daily seek the scriptures, it has caused me to spend my days praying not only for us but for every girl I've met on this journey, it has given me the opportunity to witness to everyone we come in contact with, it has caused 1000's of people in our church to pray for our little boy, it has given me a desire to begin a ministry for hurting moms of T-18 babies in the future, and most of all, it has allowed us to so vividly see how the Lord has placed His hands over our family. Being Tayden's mommy has, wow where do I begin, taken all of the seriousness out of the "quiet, peaceful, organized, perfect" life we once knew - he is silly, crazy, wild but at the same time so sweet, loving, a mommy's boy and he keeps us laughing even in the difficult times which is exactly what we need. Being Tanner's mommy allowed me to hear the words "mama" for the first time 11 yrs ago, it slowed me down from the fast-paced 8-5 working world I lived, for 16 years as a legal assistant, and it has taught me how to get down on the floor and do boy things like play with trucks, cars, play station and get out in the heat to watch him play soccer (I'm a girlie-girl so this is all a big deal). All 3 of my boys have changed me in different ways and in more ways than I even have the time to tell about and although it wasn't what we had planned it is exactly what the Lord's plan was for our family therefore I wouldn't change a thing. Even with all of the uncertainties of Tristan's little life - this is the MOST INCREDIBLE TIME OF MY LIFE.

Below is a poem I read on the Internet months ago and it came to mind today when I was thinking about my life as Tristan's mommy. After you read it you will understand why I proudly say I am enjoying Holland, I am so glad the destination changed because I wouldn't want to be in Italy, as we had originally planned!

Please pray for Tristan's strength, please pray for the 2 heart meds to work, please pray for the reflux to subside and please pray for us as we face another new day tomorrow.

"Welcome to Holland"

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting. After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland." "Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy." But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place. So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met. It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts. But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned." And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very, very significant loss. But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

(Written by Emily Pearl Kingsley in 1987, to help others understand what it is like to raise and take care of a special-needs child)

Day 53 - Puppy Love

Tristan slept really good until 3:00 am when he decided to stay WIDE AWAKE from 3:00-6:00 am! He wasn't fussing or crying, just awake, but when he is awake I want to make sure I am right there - in his face - rubbing his head, talking to him, praying with him and kissing on him. Because his heart is working so much harder now, he sleeps quite a bit so I want to make sure I don't miss a minute when he's awake because I never know when the last night might be that I am able to do this, even though it makes for a very tired mommy the next morning! Tristan had a good day today, we upped his feeding from 24 ml to 25 ml and he is tolerating the increase so far which is great because we really need to get him to 27 ml by Wednesday per the nutritionist, she has him on a weight gaining plan.

I realize I've given a lot of information about Tristan's health the last few days so I decided to post on the lighter side. Tanner and I went to the outlet mall tonight and Tanner picked out the outfit Tristan is wearing. It is so cute, it has puppies all over it and the footies have puppy faces on them. Tanner could not wait to get home and dress Tristan in it and have his picture taken with him and the puppy Tanner gave Tristan when he was born. It was the perfect time for pictures because Trayc had just removed the feeding tube and I just love seeing his little lips, we don't get to see them much because of all the tape. It is so sweet when we talk to him, he moves his lips around and makes sounds like he's trying to talk back (see the top picture).

Please pray for Tristan's strength, please pray for Trayc and I as we make decisions regarding Tristan's future medical care and please pray for us as we face another new day tomorrow.

Day 52 - God will direct us

Tristan had another great night sleep. His apnea monitor didn't go off and his color did not change. Today we were off to an early start for Tristan's 2nd appt. with the cardiologist at 8:00 am. At the appt. last week, we had heart tests performed and found out that the hole in Tristan's heart was much larger than we were told back in August from the high-risk doctors. It completely took us by surprise so we couldn't think about much more than that, however we've had a week to watch Tristan and think about questions for the cardiologist so today we went in with a long list. Let me say again, the Lord absolutely picked this cardiologist for us! She is so sweet, very understanding of our situation, sees Tristan has a heart patient and is willing to operate regardless of the T-18 and she is definitely a go-getter. Her office was on the phone contacting our pediatrician about scheduling appts. with 2 other doctors before we even left the office. Basically, this is where we are right now with Tristan's health concerns:

Tristan's reflux: Tristan is having an Upper GI test done next week to assess his stomach to confirm that he is having reflux and to make sure his stomach is not twisted. If it is not twisted then another kind of reflux medicine will be prescribed, the Zantac is not working.

Tristan's 2 hernias: One is small and one is very large. The cardiologist is concerned that it would turn blue, rupture, cause a lot of pain, infection would set in and he would pass away due to this problem alone, so she is referring us to a Ped-surgeon.

Tristan's feeding tube: Tristan's ability to suck/swallow is going very slow, infact because his little heart is beating so hard he doesn't even take his pacifier anymore, it's too much effort for him. The cardiologist wants us to hold off on the speech therapy appts until Tristan gets a little stronger. The cardiologist would like a G tube to be put in at the same time as the hernia surgery, if we opt to do the surgery, as the OG tube will become an irritant to Tristan's throat which will cause him pain.

Tristan's heart: He has a very large VSD hole. The cardiologist will keep him on the same heart medicine, just up the dose to 2 xs a day, hoping this will work until he is strong enough to have a band put around his artery which would allow the blood to flow the right direction and then we would not need to have invasive heart surgery.

Tristan's color change: This is the oxygen saturation levels going back and forth so when they drop his color changes to gray/blue. The doctor said this will continue to happen until the heart band surgery is done.

Tristan's weight: Good news - he gained 2 more ounces!!!!! He is now at 4 lbs. 3 oz., only one more oz. until he's back at his birth weight. The nutritionist has upped his formula intake now to 24 ml but will slowly up it to 27 ml by next Wednesday.


As you can see from above, after the appts next week we may need to make decisions about having the hernias repaired and if that is done the surgeon would also do the G tube surgery at the same time. When we were pregnant we had to make some very difficult decisions prior to Tristan's birth as to what we wanted medically done, this was so hard I mean how do you chose medical procedures that may or may not save your baby? We made the decisions we felt the Lord led us to make and he has allowed Tristan to live and we have been blessed with the sweetest 52 days! Now, here we are possibly facing more medical decisions for Tristan. The decision to have surgeries would mean he would be under anesthesia and be required to stay in the hospital for a few days. First, I'm scared about the anesthesia part because my heart is crying "what if we do this and he doesn't make it, I want him in my arms when he passes away not in an OR without me" and second, I do not want him to stay in the hospital, I want him in his bassinet right next to my side of the bed so I can hold his little hand all night, like I always do. I realized how fortunate we have been with our other 2 boys because we've never had to be in a hospital so the idea of a hospital stay for my precious little boy who is already so fragile concerns me, scares me, worries me, etc. We will meet with the surgeon next week and my prayer is that the hernias are not so bad that they require surgery, however at the same time I do not want to put ourselves in a situation where it's not scheduled surgery and the hernia ruptures and we have to go to the emergency room and have unscheduled surgery with a doctor we do not know - herein lies the dilemma. Since we found out Tristan had T-18 in August we have felt the Lord 's hand on our lives, on our family and our precious little boy in a very real way and we know that He will continue to direct/guide us in every decision we will need to make in the upcoming days.

Please pray for Tristan's strength, please pray for us as we attend the appts. next week, please pray that the Lord's direction will be evidently clear to us and please pray for us as we face another new day tomorrow.

Psalm 37:23-24 says: "If the Lord delights in a mans ways, he makes his steps firm; though he stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand."

Proverbs 16:9 says: "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines(directs) his steps."

• God will direct us through His Word: Colossians 3:16 says: "Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom."
  

• God will direct us through prayer and listening: John 10:27 says: "My sheep listen to my voice, I know them and they follow me." and Isaiah 30:21 says: "Whether you turn right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying This is the way; walk in it."
  

• God will direct us through seeking wise counsel: Hebrews 13:7 says: "Remember your leaders who spoke the word of God to you. Consider the outcome of their way of life and imitate their faith." and Proverbs 12:15 says: "The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice."

Day 51 - Praying for my friend, Kenzie

Tristan had a great night sleep last night. He was not fussy, his color did not change and his apnea monitor did not go off at all - it was a great night! Thank you to everyone who lifted Tristan's name up in prayer last night and today as we had requested on our blog, yesterday (Day 50) and thank you to everyone who left a comment or who personally emailed us, we feel so loved not only by people we know but from people we've never met.

I will be honest, tonight my mind is flooded with thoughts for my sweet friend, Kenzie, as we were just in the hospital 51 days ago awaiting the birth of Tristan and not knowing what the future would hold, so I completely understand every feeling and emotion she is experiencing tonight. Kenzie and I have been "Internet" friends and emailed back and forth for months and I had the opportunity to personally speak with her on the phone Friday night for 2 hrs. It was such a sweet conversation, the Lord has truly blessed me with some very special "Internet" friends along this journey. Therefore, tonight our family will have a special time of prayer for Kenzie, Dusty and Deacon as they await Maddox's birth.

I will post regarding Tristan again tomorrow night, thank you for understanding. Please pray for the Stanfield family and please continue praying for the specific requests (in yesterday's entry) for Tristan.

Proverbs 18:24 says: "A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."

Bible notes: We all need friends who will stick close, listen, care and offer help when it is needed-in good times and bad. It is better to have one such friend than dozens of superficial acquaintances. Instead of wishing you could find a true friend, seek to become one. There are people who need your friendship. Ask God to reveal them to you, and then take on the challenge of being a true friend.

Urgent prayer request: The Stanfield family (Maddox)

As I mentioned 3 weeks ago, when Trayc and I first started out on this Trisomy 18 road in August we felt so alone because we did not know anything about T-18 nor did we know anyone going through this. Since that time the Lord has brought so many sweet Christian girls into my life, via the Internet, and we have been able to walk this road together. We have shared our prayer requests, our answered prayers, our hopes, our dreams, our excitement, our sadness, our disappointments and our fears. Along this journey I have asked for special prayer for my sweet friends, Angie Luce (12/1/07) and Kim Summons (1/14/08) and now I am asking for prayer for my friend, Kenzie Stanfield.

***Kenzie asked that I post the following details on my blog because she did not have time to do a post before she left the house, however they will update their blog as soon as possible***

Kenzie just called me from the hospital and said she was being admitted because she is having contractions 4-5 minutes apart, she was scheduled for February 5th. One of her good friends drove her to the hospital and is by her side because her husband, Dusty, is out-of-town on business. He was in the process of catching a flight from one airport to another and then driving the rest of the way so please pray for his safety while traveling and that he makes it in time for Maddox's birth. Kenzie was also trying to reach all of her and Dusty's family members because they live out-of-town, so please pray for their safety as they travel to the hospital tonight. Please pray that Kenzie will remain emotionally strong and calm and will continue to feel the peace she has felt throughout her pregnancy, I know how overwhelmed and scared she must be feeling right now without Dusty and their family members there supporting her. Also, please specifically pray that Maddox be born alive, that his heart rate will remain strong, that he will not be in distress and that Kenzie and her family will be able to share some very precious moments with Maddox.


***UPDATE on 1/22/08 at 8:30 pm***
Kenzie has now posted an entry on her blog from the hospital room, please go to her link for a current update on the awaited birth of Maddox.


***UPDATE on 1/23/08 at 6:30 pm***
I spoke with Kenzie's sister this evening and she said that Maddox was born at 4:25PM this afternoon, he weighed 3lbs and was 15 inches long. He opened his little eyes to look at his daddy and then went home to be with Jesus!!!!! My heart aches for Kenzie, Dusty and for little Deacon tonight. I cannot imagine all that they are experiencing right now, but I do know this, they love the Lord with all their heart and in the midst of their grief they are thanking Him for their precious little boy even though his time on earth was only for a brief moment. Please remember them in your prayers tonight and in the upcoming days as they prepare for Maddox's memorial service on Saturday. Please visit their blog for more information. Their link is located under our family picture.


James 5:16 says: "Confess your faults to one another and pray for one another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man (friend) availeth much."

Day 50 - Pray for Tristan

Tristan had a really rough night last night! He was awake and cried most of the night and when he finally fell asleep his apnea monitor went off several times. His stomach was very upset and his color changed several times so we took turns watching him all night. We are so excited and humbled that the Lord has allowed us to already have 50 incredible days and yet at the same time we are faced with new challenges every day as Tristan's health and little body reacts differently. In the past few weeks I have come here, to my blog, and asked for prayer for so many of my sweet Internet friends and will continue to do so as the need arises, however today I simply come and ask that you please pray for Tristan. I know that so many of you are praying for us, as the comments reflect and we so appreciate it, it means more than we can express. I know you are a praying group of "Internet" people and that is why I am posting this entry. Please remember Tristan and our family in the upcoming days. The following is a list of specific prayer requests that we would ask that you pray about:

1. For Tristan's 2 heart meds to work - the first reduces the fluid in his lungs, the second allows the blood to flow through his heart correctly

2. For Tristan's doctors to have wisdom re: his heart, his reflux, his apnea and his weight gain

3. For the Zantac to work - this helps the reflux

4. For Tristan's oxygen levels to rise - they are low, this is why he is turning gray and blue

5. For Tristan's apnea to decrease - this is when he stops breathing

6. For my and Trayc's emotions and fears as we face each day


Thank you for continuing to follow our journey and for praying for our family!

Philippians 4:6-7 says: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Day 49 - We have a doctor in the house

Tristan had a good night until around 4:00 am when he started turning blue so we turned up the oxygen and his color slowly returned so I sat in bed and held him until he fell asleep around 6:00 am. Tristan's color changed back and forth most of the day today so we took turns watching him.

Every time his color changes it is scary, I guess fortunately we have a "little" doctor in the house! Yes, this is Tayden listening to Tristan's heart. Every day Tayden watches Trayc do this when he is listening to make sure the feeding tube is in Tristan's stomach. So, Tayden ran in his room and got his Fisher Price doctor kit, pulled out the stethoscope and put it in his ears - isn't he cute? Tayden is a lot more aware of Tristan than he was just 7 weeks ago and I am so glad. Every morning I say, "Let's go see the baby" and he runs into our room, climbs up on the bed, leans over the bassinet, touches the blanket and then he's off and running again. He's almost 2 yr. old and although he does not truly understand what's going on I am so glad he's being a part of the family in his own way. Whether it's with the toy stethoscope or when he takes the aspirator and squeezes it on Tristan's head or when he takes Tristan's doggie and lays it on Tristan's stomach or hands a diaper to Tristan, YES he really does all of this, it's so funny and yet it warms my heart.

Please pray for Tristan's strength, please pray for Tristan's color change, please pray that the 2 heart meds will work and please pray for us as we face another new day tomorrow.

Day 48 - Who do I look like?

Tristan had a great night last night and his apnea monitor only went off once. Tanner spent most of his day beside Tristan's bassinet talking to him and rubbing his head - yes, trying to get him refocused on home school is easier said than done, oh well we'll eventually catch up! Okay, this entry is in response to everyone who emails or comments on the blog asking "Who does Tristan look like? - So, here it is head to toe:

Birth weight/size: Tanner was only 5 lbs. so he's following after his big brother.

Hair: This is a first! Trayc, Tanner, Tayden nor I had hair until we were over a year old!

Hair color: This is a first also! Tanner had white hair until he was 4, then it turned blonde and now it's brown. Tayden had and still has strawberry blonde. Mine is light brown (w/highlights, of course, thanks to my beautician) and Trayc had white hair until he was 12 yr old then it turned brown.

Eyes: Still waiting to see what color those will be. Trayc and Tanner have hazel, Tayden and I have blue so we'll see, Tristan might be the first to have dark brown eyes.

Eyelashes: Tanner, Tayden and I have the same long eyelashes.

Ears: We all have the same ears.

Nose: Tanner and Tayden have the same little button.

Lips: Trayc, Tanner and Tayden have the same small lips.

Body: Tanner has the same skinny figure.

Fingers: Tanner and I have the same long and thin fingers - perfect for playing the piano.

Legs: Trayc and Tanner have the same shape legs. (Tanner says Tristan has the perfect legs for soccer)

Toes: I have to admit these are from my side of the family.

Attitude when hungry: This would definitely be like Tayden.

There you have it! If you look at all Tristan's features he has a little bit of Trayc and I, a little of Tayden but overall he pretty much looks like a "little Tanner", this has been the consensus from both our families since Tristan was born. When we found out about Tristan having T-18, on August 15th, the high-risk doctors explained it like this "Trisomy 18 means they are incompatible with life, these kind of babies have lots of problems, they do not look like a normal baby, they look physically retarded, they are severally mentally retarded ....... (their list went on and on)......." As they were saying this my first thought was "What will Tristan look like?" Not that I wouldn't had loved him if he didn't look perfect in the eyes of the world, he was my precious little boy and my flesh and blood, but I wondered if he would look anything like us or like Tanner and Tayden. I began praying that the Lord would allow Tristan to look like us - all of my prayers were answered, he does look a little like each of us, the Lord gave me the desire of my heart!

Please pray for Tristan's continued strength, please pray for the 2 heart meds to work and please pray for us as we face a new day tomorrow.

Psalm 37:4 says: "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."

Psalm 139 says: "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

Day 47 - #24 has a new little fan

Tristan had a great night sleep last night and his apnea monitor did not go off at all. Tristan had a good day today except that his color changed 2 different times tonight. He has seemed a lot less fussy the last few days so we are hoping the Zantac is helping the reflux plus we are hoping to see a change since we switched formulas.

Well, if you are a NASCAR fan then you know the 2008 races begin in 3 weeks on February 9th in Daytona. Tanner bought a NASCAR magazine at the store tonight and was so excited that he wanted to come home and watch his NASCAR movie called ESPN's Ultimate Nascar 100 defining moments. Tanner got into racing when he was 6 yrs old because my step-dad worked for 10 yrs at the Charlotte Motor Speedway. We have taken Tanner to several races, of course the only driver we cheer for is Jeff Gordon but Tanner can tell you all the drivers names, numbers and stats. So, in preparation for the upcoming race season Tanner wanted to dress Tristan up in his Jeff Gordon outfit so they could match.

Let me explain the story behind Tristan's outfit and why it's so special to us. My Dad and Step-mom bought the outfit for Tristan back in July, right after we found out we were having another boy. Two weeks later we found out that Tristan had T-18 and were told by doctors that he had a less than 50% chance of surviving to birth . So, you can imagine how bad they felt, they'd given us a baby outfit that may never be worn, although they never could have known the news we would have received, it was still heart breaking every time my Step-mom thought about it. So, we are dedicating this entry to my Dad and Step-mom: Look at your precious grandson, he IS able to wear the Jeff Gordon outfit you bought him!!! Now he's ready for racing season, somebody needs to tell Jeff Gordon he has a new little fan cheering for him!!!

Please pray for Tristan's continued strength, please pray that the 2 heart meds will work, please pray that Tristan's color will not change again and please pray for us as we face another new day tomorrow.

Day 46 - 1st Nutrionist appt.

Tristan slept a lot better last night, he was only fussy for one hour (4-5:00 am) and his apnea monitor did not go off at all.

We had Tristan's appt. with the nutritionist at 10:30 am this morning. First, Tristan weighs 4.1 and is 18 inches long - that means he is almost back to his birth weight AND he has grown 1 1/2 inches, we are so excited! We are also going to change his formula from ProSobee to Nutramigen and work towards increasing his calorie intake to gain more weight. Second, I know this is repeating myself from yesterday and Monday but I have to share that again the Lord put another person in our path for Tristan's medical care. She was just as sweet, positive and optimistic as the cardiologist and speech therapist. At all 3 of these appts. we have felt so encouraged and never rushed. The rushed part is a big thing because as we all know at doctor's appts you can feel like you are "just another patient, just another name, your in/your out". I can honestly say that at no time during all 3 of these appts have we felt like this. You know, with Tanner and Tayden, it's okay to feel like your in/out (actually it's good to feel like that with them because who has time to just sit right? there's always a list of things to do) but with Tristan I do not want it to be that way! I want to feel like the doctors really do care about him and his well-being and that they are actively pursuing his health issues not looking at him as a statistic and thinking "he is already considered incompatible with life so why try to pursue anything". Fortunately, I have not personally experienced this but this was a fear of mine as I have spoken with several T-18 moms and have read 100's of stories on the Internet knowing this is how many doctors are and some parents have traveled to different states to get help, oh I am so thankful the Lord is opening up doors with sweet, helpful and concerned doctors here in Jacksonville. All 3 of these specialists have said, "we need to start now, we need to get Tristan caught up, we need to work with him so that when the time comes for surgeries he'll be strong and healthy and ahead of the game, not trying to play catch up" - Wow, not what we were EVER expecting to hear from any doctor!!!

So, that's why all the appts. We are trying to make good health decisions for Tristan so that if he does live a little while we are already headed in that direction and if the Lord chooses to take him earlier then at least as Tristan's mom and dad we will know in our hearts we did everything we felt the Lord was leading us to do. Also, please realize that although our pregnancy journey is over and our precious little boy is still with us on Day 46, we are still on this T-18 road. Every day we are faced with new and different issues. There are moments we forget about this disease because we feel like a normal family of 5, but then there are moments we are faced with reality again which can cause it to be very emotional at times.

Please pray for us as a family to continue being strong and to continue feeling the peace we feel, for Tristan's continued strength, please pray for the 2 heart meds to work and for us as we face another new day tomorrow.

Day 45 - 1st Speech Therapy appt.

Tristan slept really good last night until 2:00 am when he woke up fussy and cried until 6:00 am. We tried everything to console him and nothing was working so we took turns holding him until he finally fell asleep. We are in the process of figuring out if this is the reflux, his formula or possibly colic.

We had the appt. with the speech therapist at 10:00 am this morning. First, let me say, she was just as sweet and optimistic as the cardiologist - another person the Lord put in our path for Tristan's medical care. Second, she talked to us for awhile about Tristan and then she started teaching us things we needed to do daily like swaddling him in the receiving blankets so he feels secure, vibration in his bouncy seat, every 3 hrs. during his feed time putting drops of formula on the pacifier to try and teach him to suck and swallow the formula, watching the "sensors" in his environment like having him with us at the dinner table to smell the foods, watching sounds around him like TV or other noises too loud(this is going to be interesting with a 2 yr. old in the house) or the lighting - when it's night time keeping the lights out and day time the lights on, okay mommy is completely at fault here, I keep the nightstand light on ALL night to make sure he doesn't turn colors so this is something I'll definitely have to pray about. It was a very informative appt. and obviously we have lots of homework!!! And, tomorrow we have an appt. with the Nutritionist and we are looking forward to this appt as it will help assist our pediatrician and other specialists with Tristan's calorie intake which will ultimately help him gain weight.

Trayc was able to take Tanner to choir tonight, Tanner was so excited because the 5th grade choir was singing in church tonight and he loves to do that, hey 2 Wednesday nights in a row we're slowly getting back to normal!

Please pray for Tristan's strength, please pray that the 2 hearts meds work, please pray for us as we start working with Tristan to learn to swallow, please pray that MOMMY can keep the lights off at night time and please pray for us as we face another new day tomorrow.

Day 44 - Tristan.....our witnessing tool

Tristan had a great night sleep last night and his apnea monitor did not go off at all.

The cardiologist was very proactive today in scheduling appts for us to get in with both the nutrition specialist and the speech therapist between now and next week. Today was pretty busy with phone calls between 4 different doctors office trying to get them all set up. We have an appt. tomorrow with the speech therapist and Thursday with the nutritionist. The speech therapist will work with Tristan to see if he can learn to suck and swallow formula from a bottle, as this is their ultimate goal for him. He has the sucking down because he loves his pacifier, he just hasn't figured out the swallowing part, so we are looking forward this appt. to see if he has the ability to learn to swallow and what their thoughts are. I told Trayc that although today was very, very busy and I hardly put the phone down it was a great day because I was on the phone making appts for our precious little miracle boy, Tristan. Who would have ever thought we'd be here on Day 44 making so many doctors appts.? I feel so privileged and honored to be making all of these appts.

Do you know what every appt. allows us to do? Its gives Trayc and I the chance to tell Tristan's story to someone else and we are able to witness to every person we come in contact with - from the receptionist to the doctor. I mean, it is so easy to start up a conversation, that leads to witnessing, when we walk into an appt. and everyone KNOWS he's Trisomy 18 and that it's a miracle he's still here. We are using every opportunity given, through Tristan's life, to bring honor and glory to the Lord and to reach people for His kingdom. Although we may never know WHY Tristan has T-18, we must use every opportunity to reach others for the Lord in obedience to His word.

Please pray that we will be a witness to every person we come in contact with, please pray for Tristan's strength, please pray that the 2 heart meds will start working, please pray for Tristan's appt. tomorrow with the speech therapist and please pray for us as we face another new day tomorrow.

John 9:1-3: "As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, Rabbi who sinner, this man or his parents, that he was born blind? Neither this man nor his parents sinner, said Jesus, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life".

Day 43 - 1st Cardiology appt.

Tristan had another great night, he slept all night and his apnea monitor only went off once. We were up and off to an early start this morning. We left the house at 7:45 am for Tristan's 9:00 am cardiology appt. where he had a EKG and heart echo. Back in August we were told by the high-risk doctors that the hole in Tristan's heart was a .4, which is very small and that it could possibly close up before birth and every neonatologist that saw Tristan in the hospital said the hole sounded very small. Well, we learned that it is NOT .4, it is .8 so this was very surprising to us. After the tests were performed we met with the Cardiologist, she was a sweet, comforting and very optimistic doctor - we know for sure that the Lord had chosen her (out of all the doctors in that group) just for us! She said that T-18 babies usually have "heart failure" beginning around 6-8 weeks (Tristan is 6 weeks today, she said we made it just in time) so her goal is to stop the process before it gets to that point. She gave us prescriptions for 2 heart medications that Tristan will start tonight and then she is scheduling appts with a nutritionist and speech therapist. The nutritionist would help us change Tristan's diet intake so that he can gain weight faster and the speech therapist would work with Tristan to see if he would be able to suck and swallow from a bottle. She then sent us down the street to the children's hospital for a chest x-ray to see the condition of Tristan's lungs and to make sure there was no infection in them(there was no infection however it did show signs of the beginning of heart failure). It was a very long day, we did not get home until 3:00 pm so needless to say we are a little tired. We ate dinner and are definitely getting to bed early tonight. Please pray for Tristan's strength, please pray for Tristan as he begins the 2 hearts meds tonight, please pray for Trayc and I as we continue to make medical decisions for Tristan and please pray for us as we face another new day tomorrow.


As we attend each appt. of Tristan's in the upcoming days, this will be the verses we will claim:

Proverbs 3:5-6 says: "Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."

Bible notes: Bring your decisions to God in prayer; use the Bible as your guide; and then follow God's leading. He will make your paths straight by both guiding and protecting you.